Been a while

Last time I posted, over a year ago now… I had taken some time off at a cabin. I was ready to climb out of the pit that my husband’s affair left me in.

But no, my employer decided to take my medically approved absence as a voluntary resignation (legal in a “employer-at-will state.)

So here I am, nearly a year later still unemployed. While technically I ” resigned,” we all know I was fired. Major hit to a struggling betrayed wife. I’m doing better, the time off has been good for my mental and emotion health.

I’ve taken up bird-watching, spent far too much time searching my ancestors and reading! Now that spring is finally here, please, more time in my garden… by far cheaper than any therapy! Funny side story.. I received some gift certificates for Mother’s Day and bought some new perennials… here in Maine, winter is long and sometimes harsh on them.. I always lose a few. I got a beautiful climbing rose-bush, with sherbet-colored blossoms and a lovely honeysuckle vine, both new additions for me! I have some lovely periwinkle and yellow  columbine to replace the ones that didn’t return, and coral bells to add to my existing variety. Also my annuals for my planters, petunias, Vinca, inpatients and begonias! I hoping to attract the hummingbirds I see buzzing around! Anyways, my point was to mention my plan was to garden today.

but here I am posting and before I was sidetracked, I was bringing you up to speed on my mental and emotional well being.. this las year, since being fired ..

I have totally enjoyed my kids; my girls, 16 and 17.. just one month shy of 18 and graduating in 3 weeks! And my son almost 20, graduated last June.  Joined the United States Marine Corps! Oohrah!🇺🇸 He’s now home, as a reservist, working full-time and is leaving in August for college. I’m incredibly proud of him.

My graduating daughter isn’t sure what her plan is yet… she’s true to being a middle child and oldest daughter… very independent, mature beyond her tender years, empathetic…much like her mother. She’ll tell me when she’s sure, and when she’s ready, what her plans will be. I only know that full-time college is off the block, and that she wants to work full-time. She likes working and has since she was 16. I’m not overly concerned. I know she will figure it out.

We took a family road trip in late October, to see my son graduate from boot camp and then to Washington D.C. A road trip in my brand new Jeep! It was a fun trip!

We got thru the 2016 holidays  the first I can say I truly enjoyed, since Dday. My son came home from Infantry school in February. January thru March weekends were mostly about dance competitions with my youngest. Now it’s nearly the end of May.

I’m planning for graduation and dance recital, that fall on the same day. A graduation party to plan still? she’s reluctant.. eighteenth birthday celebration and I’ve been busy with a group of dance-moms fundraising for our dancers going to the Macy’s day parade this year!

As for my marriage, hmm. I was optimistic, in the first 1.5 years, hopeful even. Now.. I’m not sure anymore… it’s not that it’s bad really, it’s just not very good. It’s just the remaining shell of what we had. He pretends not to notice. The situation works, well even, for us, for now. But I doubt either of us would admit we are happy.

Getting toward a sensitive subject there, so I’ll redirect.. to my gardening, for some cheap therapy!

🌸🌼🌹,

rac

 

 

 

 

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What I know now

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It’s been 15.5 months since I found out about my husband’s affair.

Not a single day has been easy. Not even one.

This is the single most difficult and overwhelming experience I’ve ever gone thru. Without exception.

Staying is hard. Every single day.

I’m not the same person anymore. So much of who I am is still lost in the chatic aftermath of betray.

I can’t find my way out.

I question and doubt everything.

This is not the life I wanted to live.

I can’t “forget it.”

Something has to change.

But, I’m still not ready….

 

 

 

 

A Random Act of “I am Sorry”

I received the following response in an email notification this morning. Truly, with exception of the “minor details” of this affair and this Affair partner, I could hear it coming from my husband’s AP as I read it…

It crushed me…

Here it is…. (I will protect her identity)

I am not going to begin to say I understand or know what it is like to be the wife who finds out her husband is a cheater in all of this. Nor, do I begin to say that what I went through is justification for the OW’s behavior in this.

But I am other woman. And I echo a lot of other people’s experiences, when I say I never thought I would be that person. I even directly asked the person who I had the affair with if he was single before we ever met. And each time he answered no.


Even after I put two-and-two together, I still played the part for another couple of months, and meeting him recently on a business trip. I have no justification other than I had developed feelings for him, and that I loved him. The lonely part of me wanted to be the exception, rather than the norm.


And to anyone who has been the victim in this, please know that it is not easy to live as the OW. I do not sleep, I have lost appetite, and I have tearfully pleaded, begged, and sobbed asking him to do the right thing and confess to his wife. To be a better husband and father, and to either seek counseling to fix the marriage or do the right thing and walk away.


The truth is the cheater, while not always a bad person, is selfish. He started this affair because he was bored in his married life, and wanted the adventure of a new love. I am almost 35 years old, and I have given up on love. I told him he was so blessed and lucky to have a wife and kids. That he had no right to throw that away.


But I am also no better than him, because I didn’t run away. I continued the secrets despite the pain. I did it for no other reason than I loved him, and couldn’t bear to know a life without him. But in the end, I still ended it. The sleepless nights, the guilt, the jealousy, and the hurt. See being the OW means you will always be the last choice and that you have to be content with everything being on his timeline. You can only call, text, e-mail when it works for him. You lay awake at night feeling suffocated by the loneliness, while knowing he can turn around and wrap his arms around the woman he put a ring on it.


He says is not happy. But lacks the courage to make changes to find happiness. Why stay in a marriage if you are not happy? He says it was for the kids, but what is worse: having children be raised with a lie that destroys families or know that their parents loved each other but couldn’t make it work? I cannot answer that because I don’t know.


I am single. I have no one. I am alone and unsupported. And I am dying inside. From the guilt, from the pain, and from feeling like I am always the loser. Please know that not every person who becomes the OW is okay with the title of OW. That some of us have consciences and integrity. That it destroys us as much as you. He selfishly threw his marriage away and wants to keep it hidden, but he also selfishly wanted me to suffer in silence.


I wanted to find love. To feel beautiful and wanted again. He said all the right things. He kept saying “stop over thinking things”, and to have “faith”. All the while knowing he lied to me too, he could never love me the way I deserved.


I am sorry that your husband has refused to hold himself accountable. But as the OW, you deserve better than a spouse who will not acknowledge the pain he has caused, nor work on improving the relationship. You can stop a sinking ship, if not everyone is willing to help bail.


Again, I am sorry to you and any spouse who sits in this position. Please know that affairs hurt the OP as much as the spouse. We are not proud of ourselves, and many of us do not want to hurt you. We are hurting and confused ourselves. We are trying to find a glimmer of love ourselves, and yes we had no right to take it from someone who doesn’t belong to us. That is something I will live with everyday for the rest of my life. Knowing that I caused someone else pain, because I was so desperate to feel love…even if it was brief and temporary.


I am sorry.


Sabatoged

Not sure why I’m inspired to blog today, but I am… I’ve been mostly lurking around WP as of late, but made a few comments over the weekend and a few responses and likes predictably were exchanged on a comment I made on His Affair, My Pain’s blog titled Common Themes…

I responded, “Me too.. I still cannot believe my husband cheated..”

Just this morning I received a new “like” notification to that comment from a blogger I don’t recognize. She’s new, not a single post.. Not an intro or an about about page.. Just a beautiful photo and title. I believe I am the first follower.

This makes my heart hurt and my tears are overflowing.. For her, because we more “seasoned” betrayed wives remember the sheer magnitude of the hell she is feeling in these first days. For all betrayed spouses, for having to pick themselves up everyday. I personally wished to just disappear, vanish, POOF!

I remember that there was nothing really made the insanity go away in the first and weeks…. The endless and often obsessive, pervasive thoughts and questions… Those really haven’t stopped for me, but they have continually lessened I learned to have better control of what I give thought to and a broader perspective.

The months since, the time, has given me hindsight. In that sense, Time does heal... But it doesn’t erase.. I still see that first text, her name and our emails, some other insignificant details, like vivid pictures in my mind. I remember my life exploding….

The  “flame was lit,”  Dday… it burned a few days and finally detonated. That’s when the truth started trickling in…and I still only know the basics really… My personal reality is, that he may not be telling me a lie, but he’s not telling me the truth either.

Over the first crazy weeks of knowing and living in the aftermath of the bomb dropping on my marriage, my life blew up, such magnitude as Hiroshima…. A giant mushroom cloud and everything instantly covered in ash.. Somehow we survived those first intense days ..

I think I’ve had my eyes closed… Because, if you grew up in the 70’s, or maybe watch enough war  movies, you know you don’t look at the blast…

Now, over a year later, I can see the massive cloud that still exists, I can see the carnage and fallout. I see that life is still moving on around me, and I’ve even participated to some degree. But I’m ready for better and beautiful again

I just still don’t know what direction to go. I’m afraid to jump.

My husband has tried to assure me that only time would heal me. I didn’t believe him then, and I still don’t. Time has dulled just the harshest edges, and eased the constant heartache, but honestly, they are still there. What the time has given me is perspective.. Again, hindsight..

I look back on what has truly been my beautiful mess of a life…

And it all looks so different now. I can still see most of the beauty.. But the mess? The mess that I was cleaning myself, while my husband was cheating and carrying on..unknowingly heaping to the mess..

My beautiful mess of a life was sabotaged.. This isn’t the life I was living, nor wanted to live.

Not sure where it will lead but you can follow my footprints as I walk out of the ashes.

Maybe tomorrow ❤️

To stay or go..

that’s the question most of us are asking ourselves in the devastation of an affair.

stumbled upon this article:

I don’t agree with all of the reasons, but they all are interesting to consider. I know I have and will continue to until I’ve decided for sure what is best for me. My goal is to feel better, not bitter. And honestly, I feel bitter. Life is so fucking unfair sometimes. And shit just piles  on. My community has had such catastrophic losses over the past few years.. Several families lost parents too young to cancer. A domestic violence act resulting in a murder suicide to a bright and promising new nurse that I had the honor of talking to many times over the years ❤️ 3 parent suicides. 2 associated thru our kids and soccer. The third just last month, one of my youngests’ BFF’s father shot himself. Her younger brother found him. Suck a shitty, sucky situation! And last week, on Memorial Day a kind and gentle young man with a beautiful future was murdered in the next town over. I’ve watched him grow up got the last 8+ Years, he’s one of my sons oldest best friends. And today, I’m waiting for the Drs office to call with an appointment for an MRI. My youngest has continued to have back pain. The next step is surgery. A spinal fusion. And I am terrified! I’m absolutely confident as a nurse and in the excellent Dr we are so fortunate to have that it is the best choice for her. He is one of the best in his field. Still, I’m her mother. She’s 14 and its spinal surgery. So many things could go wrong and I know it’s crazy and ridiculous to worry  about all the “what if’s. But if I could cope a little fucking better!!!

I have some foundational Christian beliefs. I was raised catholic. I visited a number of churches, and explored various religions. I know what I feel and believe and someday maybe I’ll venture down the path of writing a blog about my spirituality. Because it’s important, and I am privately and humbly spiritual. But not in any public manner. I mostly avoid organized religion. But I pray, and I believe. And I’m very respectful of almost all faiths.

So I can say this, I do believe that the Lord (whom ever that represents for you and I) will not give us more than we can handle. I call Mercy!

So now that I’ve shared a well written blog that went off on an unexpected tangent…

Perhaps I’m a little bit better and a little less bitter.

I’m going to go reapply my makeup and get myself ready for my sons last season game of LAX! On to playoffs Saturday.

I’m still looking for the exit out of Suckville! I’ve made a few wrong turns, maybe even broke down a few times…

Bet still better ❤️

Red Dog

I guess it’s as good a time as any to get this post up.

In 2005, I betrayed my husband…

This is the story… Along with 10 years of hindsight.

I met a guy… Ironically, neither my husband or I can remember his name. I h ope that attests to the insignificance of the relationship, but I doubt it minimizes the hurt My husband felt and perhaps still feels. And that isn’t my intent. We both think his name was “Mike” but are not completely convinced that is his name. We know a lot of Mikes and there are a lot of Mikes in the world.

But the story..

I don’t remember many of the details.. I know I was at a place, personally where things felt stagnant and boring. My husband works long hours, Monday thru Friday. He’s always had strong work ethics and loyalty to his employer.

I worked weekend nights so that he wouldn’t have to compromise his work week to manage or care for our young children. He rarely had to juggle a work schedule to meet the needs of s sick child or school vacation. Most of the time, this arrangement worked beautifully for us. I am so thankful that I have been mostly at home thru the years, raising our family. Even now.

There were many days in the early years of us that I was overwhelmed with the kids. I lost sight of myself. I put everything into my family and home. The kids were getting older, had friends, school, sports and social engagements. I wasn’t the center of their world anymore.

My husband was professionally driven. I took the role of homemaker and tried to manage everything. Home, kids, work, cleaning, cooking. You know.. All the things a mother does… When he got home at the end of a long day. He just wanted to chill, relax, hang with the kids, watch TV. I was lonely and bored.

I started playing an online game. I made some online friends and we’d get together at planned times to play. It was fun, filled the loneliness and I had friends that were totally not a part of my real world.

Then I met Red Dog.. His game name.. Thru these online friends.

Harmless it seemed. He started sharing about his life and wife and how unhappy he was. They were separated. He was easy to chat with.

I started confiding in him about my personal life. It became easy to commiserate with him. Our game chats eventually led to emails and phone calls (no texting then…)

I remember feeling excited and anxious to hear from him. It felt good to be noticed and have attention.  I felt cared for. I’d anxiously check my email to see if he’d sent me anything, and was rarely disappointed.

His attention was filling the boredom and loneliness I was feeling at home. I don’t know if my husband noticed or not, but everything felt better. I felt attractive and desirable. I had more energy and enthusiasm about my daily grind.

I was able to justify the relationship because he lived 18 hours away. I was never going to see him. So really, it was all harmless in my mind… It wasn’t real. It wasn’t going to affect my marriage.

My husband was planning to take the kids away to our family cabin, to give me a few days break. I was so excited for the break!

I had a manicure and pedicure. Went shopping. Made plans with my online friends to play our game.

Of course Red dog knew I was going to be home for a weekend alone. We talked about it. Entertained meeting.. Even as unrealistic as it was. It felt safe to lead him on. Keep him interested and assure him that someday we’d meet. But in my mind.. It wasn’t going to happen. I just didn’t want him to know that because I loved his attention.

I  don’t recall how it came about, but he plans to drive here when my husband was away. I didn’t encourage it, but probably entertained it. Really, I was content with the way things were. It was fun and fine (in my mind) to carry on the illicit virtual affair. Nobody was going to get hurt or even know.

I knew I was being deceptive. I made sure to delete emails and chats. But again was able to justify it. I was happier and he was no threat and lived 18 hours away. I don’t know what I “thought” I was doing, but I sure didn’t consider it cheating. It all felt so harmless

As I recall, he hinted a few times about coming here and I supported the idea in the beginning. When it got real and he was serious about driving here I got scared. Didn’t want him to, but sure the curiosity was there.

So off my family went. I didn’t hear from him the day they left. He had been hinting that he got me a gift. I probably encouraged him to deliver it but again, it was in fun. 18 hours away is a big buffer zone!

I spent a lovely day alone pampering myself… Something I hadn’t done in years. I got home in the mid afternoon and he called. He was in town and wanted me to join him at his hotel, minutes away.

This is where it gets messy for me.

I felt a bunch of crazy things. Mostly that I could get away with it and my husband would never find out. I also felt upset.. That he was invading my precious weekend alone. I didn’t want to share it with him.

Suddenly what felt so “harmless” left me unsettled and anxious.

And at the same time, what a testament to his interest in me.. Driving 18 hours.

So.. After a few calls and little persuasion I agreed to met him at a bookstore with a coffee shop.

I was curious about him.. Maybe I could get away with it… I got myself prettied up and with a sense of intrigue, guilt and obligation, I went to meet him.

Why guilt and obligation? I don’t know really.. But it’s where hindsight helps. I am one of those “guilty” old souls and apologize for everything. It’s an ongoing thing for me… I still struggle with it..

I know I felt “responsible” for him being here and that I should at least met him in person to tell him I had misled him. I felt guilty that I had led him to be serious about coming here. That I may have let him be live I was serious about meeting him someday.

I got out of my car at the bookstore and this guy came walking up to me.. I remember realizing just how tall he was. I knew he was over 6′ but seeing him was a reality check. He walked over to me and we hugged. He leaned in and I know we kissed, but awkwardly.

I don’t remember much about the conversation that followed, but it didn’t take me but a few minutes to feel uncomfortable and anxious for a way out. I quickly recognized that this was not so innocent anymore.

And it was my fault. I led this guy on. Let him believe that I was interested in him and wanted him to feel like he was special to me. And he was.. Until it was real. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband. I didn’t recognize that my actions were taking me directly down the slippery slop.

Suddenly the conversation turned tense. He was upset in my lack of interest in him. He was disappointed in me that he’d driven all this way and wouldn’t at least have sex with him, didn’t understand the big deal in me spending the night at his hotel. He reminded me that my husband would never find out.

He was persistent in expressing his dismay even after I made it clear what a mistake I’d made, apologized for misleading him, explained that I loved my husband and wouldn’t cheat on him.

I hugged him goodby to try to make peace as I got ready to leave. He followed me and being so tall was able to “corner” me at my car with his arms on the roof and around me. I’m only 5’1″.. I felt threatened and afraid. I told him he was frightening me. He tried to kiss a few times but I let it be known that I wanted to go. I wasn’t interested and I was scared.

He called me a prick tease.

I got home and he called a few times. I may have answered once. I know he tried to persuade me to come to his room a few times, but that all may have been at the bookstore and in the parking lot. Mostly I ignored his calls and deleted the messages from our answering machine.. Back in the day of landlines. I had no intent on telling my husband about it. Such a foolish mistake!

The evening was early, I got home and hung out with my online friends minus Red dog. I’m pretty sure I told my friends J & M about my visitor and the situation, leaving out that I’d intentionally led him on.

At some point my husband called to get the voice messages. I had missed one from Red Dog.

I don’t remember what the message said, but it was enough for my husband to know something inappropriate had happened.

He called me and asked questions.. I’m sure the same questions all betrayed ask, “who, why, what…” I tried to assure him that he had nothing to worry about. That I was home and nothing happened. He agreed to stay at the cabin as the kids were in bed.

“I love you” he said.

“I love you, too. See you tomorrow.”

I don’t recall any specific contact with Red dog after that evening. I stopped playing the game when he played and don’t remember an official “no contact” conversation or email.

I know my husband called him and was confident that nothing sexual had happened.

Red dog also told him that he was a “lucky” guy, because I wouldn’t cheat on him.

In the days and weeks that followed we had some serious conversation about cheating and fidelity  commitment and monogamy.

I know I hurt my husband.

I never understood how much.

Life Happens and then you Die.

I am an Registered Nurse. It’s more than that though. It’s part of who I am.

So because it’s Nurse’s Week I’ll start like this…

I graduated with a BSN in 1996. Before I became an RN I was a flight medic in the USAFR and worked as a CNA. I grew up knowing I wanted to be a nurse.  I waffled with being a teacher at few times but regardless, A professional caregiver.

I’m pretty sure I’ve just always know my purpose in life was and is to be a caregiver. I’m the oldest and only girl with a brother, a step-brother and a long lost-half brother. I’ve always taken care of people. I love what I do professionally. Truly. But it does wear on me. I’ve always been a more “heightened and aware.” And I’m a worrier. Toss in what I know And do because of my role of mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, colleague  and sometimes it feels like too much caring.

I’ve worked in multiple work settings and specialities. I’ve worked in level one trauma rooms and seen combat trauma. That’s only to say that I’ve seen a lot of blood and guts. I’m not too squeamish. I’m a pretty tough nut, most of the time… But every nut cracks.

For the past 4 years I have worked in Home Hospice Care. Last night I was on call. I went to bed early, feeling edgy and irritable. About 1:30 a.m. My work phone rang, from the answering service.

I got up and synced the patient’s chart and returned the call, to the oldest son of the 64 year-old patient.

I was familiar with the patient and aware that he was “actively dying,” which generally means hours a day.

The patient was having difficulty breathing and having pain. He’d given everything he could for medications. I instructed him to give 10 mg of morphine. I told him he could repeat that in 15 minutes, “if your dad is still in distress.” Our call ended so I could call the doctor to get orders his meds liberalized. It was 1:59 a.m.

Anticipating a visit I went and got dressed, then brewed a k cup in my favorite to-go mug.

I sat down to read the patient’s chart while I waited for the doctor to return my call.

After 30 minutes passed, I had the doctor paged again.

About 15 minutes later I received another call from Josh, the night shifter at the answering service, has been forever. He and I exchange friendly banter and he pokes fun at having to waking me up, from years of professional familiarity.

He also happens to be person trying to reach the doctor for me.

“Hey, I got another one for you.”

And I still haven’t heard from Dr. N., I playfully responded.

“You may not have to. This message is regarding the same patient, this time from “Bernie.”

I knew this was his wife.

The message is: “She was calling to report his death at 2:20.”

“Wow, that was really quick. Thank God.” I said, not completely, surprised, but feeling a sense of empathy and urgency reach out to this new widow.

Adrenaline starts to flow.

His chart told me that 24 days, he was diagnosed with “aggressive” metastatic pancreatic cancer.

That just six weeks ago he had a routine scheduled surgery. His pre-op work up and exams were normal, down a few pounds. At his post-op appointment 2 weeks later, they noted a significant weight loss. Concerning, he was sent for lab work, and then further non-invasive diagnostics. His prognosis was grave… 3-4 weeks. He lived just 24 days. Dr was pretty spot on with him.

Prior to this diagnosis he lived a reasonably health life and managed quite well, but was disabled. I learned while was there that he and Bernie were married for 25 years, this past August.together for 30. That their family was blended, with 5 between them; 4 sons and a daughter. “Lots of grandkids.” I wondered about the details of their courtship. Wondered if he ever cheated.

I learned that Greg Jr, their oldest son was here from North Carolina. The other 4 are local. He came home for the family meeting that was requested by his parents. They gathered together with their 5 kids told them the grave prognosis.

I learned that Greg Jr’s oldest child, almost 14, is battling leukemia after a 3 year remission, but has had it since he was 2 years old.

Josh told me that he had called the doctor on her personal number, but wasn’t able reach her.

“I guess I don’t need to reach her for orders now. But when you reach her please give the message the Patient died at 2:20.”

“Will do. Good-night”

“Thanks, I said. Night.”

I packed up and punched in Bernie’s address in my GPS. 9.3 miles. 23 minutes.

On my drive over, I calculated how much sleep I got…I’d only been asleep for a couple of hours, and it was restless. We went to bed early to watch a video that’s part of Day 1 Bootcamp. We watched 2 quick videos taking less than 10 minutes, then started a 20 min video.. I made a few comments, my husband per usual remained silent. I could hear him breathing… Then he started snoring.

I arrived and was greeted on the porch by Greg Jr. I walked in the front door to a living room, where the hospital bed was set up for the patient. Bernie was sitting in a recliner beside the bed. She was tearful and tried to get up as I came in. I noticed that someone had covered the patient, including his face, with several blankets. Unusual, I thought. I scanned the room and the faces as I made and accepted introductions.

The walls and their tears told a thousand stories. All stories you and I know or have heard, or can at least relate to.

Greg Jr followed me in and proceeded to apologize that the patient was in “this condition” but he and his brothers cleaned him up “as best they could” but just couldn’t do it anymore. He explained that nobody wanted to see him like that so they covered him with the blankets.

My wise and colorful imagination quickly drew an image, as I pulled down the covers to check his pulse. There was no need. He was clearly dead. That image is captured in my mind. Horrified. I was appalled that the family had to see their beloved man exit such a beautiful life in such a gory style. Not his choice I promise you. Nobody would want their loved one or themselves to go in such gory exit plan.

Not appalled at anyone or anything, because nothing could have changed this situation. He was home were he and his family agreed he would die. He was offered hospitalization yesterday as it became evident that death was near. That he had transitioned. They all lovingly declined, agreeing to maintain his wishes to die in his home. They loved and cared for him thru his last breath. Pam S. His hospice case manager was spot on with her assessment, care and teaching yesterday during her extended visit. Exceeding the standards of care for comfort measures only.

I was there within 2 hours of their first call. Still hadn’t heard from the doctor. But Greg Jr gave him the morphine as I instructed and before I talked with the Doctor, who I have now assumed sleeps soundly. The patient did die as comfortably as we could reasonably keep him and by his wishes to die at home. So really she wasn’t there for me, but it wouldn’t have made any difference in the outcome. Shit was happening. All the right things were done, exceedingly well even. It just sucks that they had to see him like that. I wish I could take that away for them.

I’ve thought a lot about this family since getting home this morning. I think now I would tell Greg jr to pour the whole bottle of morphine down his throat and then ask everyone to quietly leave the room and close the door. Suggest that the scene is going to be graphic and gruesome and there’s no need to bear witness. That  He really wouldn’t want you to see him that way. Even if I did Though, they probably wouldn’t have left him.

So all the choices were made correctly to meet everyone’s goals, right? So in essence, it’s a perfect case scenario. Any data collection done from my charting will indicate that. And from an objective view point I know that it went smoothly. His story from diagnosis until death, although tragic went exactly as they planned. The end.

They even had a party for him last week, to celebrate his life. They pulled together quite a shindig from the stories they shared, but what stood out for me most was that they invited 35 people, but 100 showed up. Bringing more stories and memories, and assorted foods to share. That means something, right? It speaks volumes to me. This man leaves a great legacy. His story is done and but it hasn’t ended.

Much like I feel about my marriage. Its done, but the story hasn’t ended. We are just now really starting to write the next chapter. At a preschool pace.

Doctor called me as I pulled in my driveway. Apologized and explained that she was sound asleep and proceeded to explain that I should have called her again and again. Until I reached her. I listened and thought it wouldn’t make a difference. I offered no argument after she said, “I only got one call.” That was a lie. Our call ended without any flair or flavor.

Now I wish I could tell her that it’s not my job to wake her up. But anyways, done with her.

I gathered my things and dropped them as I walked in, the kids just stating to stir for school. I went to my bathroom stripped my cloths and got into the hot shower. I wanted to wash away the smell of blood that was stuck in my nostrils and rid my mouth of the metallic taste. I did not have any exposure to blood, it was just that bad…

i wrapped a towel around me and headed to dress as my husband came out of the room. He greeted me with a kiss  and commented that it was odd I showered early. He continued on to get his coffee and start his day in the kitchen.

I dressed and got the kids out the door.. Did my charting and poked away at this post all morning, all the while writing  a draft and outline for a new Standard of Care, for a future situation like I’ve been telling about. Really that’s all I can do. Right? Make a better plan than we already have, I see the things we could have done better now, in hindsight. Or maybe now I know what more to anticipate.

It took a while for my husband to recognize that I was upset. He didn’t even ask if I’d “made a visit” but acknowledged  that I showered early. I Told him a made a death visit. I tried to share what happened. But he wasn’t really listening. It was running late. He had to get going for work. I’m  too tired right now to contemplate that one right now. Maybe I just take things to personal?

Then, after he kissed me good-bye, said we exchanged “I love you’s,” he was smiling as he was rushing out the door.

It overwhelmed me again. I just don’t think he gets it…

And wonder who’s going to take care of me?

This has been a long shitty day after a shitty evening. Which ended when he fell asleep, during a 20 minute affair recovery video.

So I’m done poking away on my iPad. My wrists hurt. I’m exhausted and have smoked too much today. I’m nursing a quick beer and going to bed.

I am the only one able to take care of me and I’m not doing a great job these days. I’m going to make a daily effort to ask for help and make my needs more clear.

Right now my most basic need is sleep.

I talked to my husband. Told him I need to go to bed. That I’ve not been asleep yet. I’m Working on close to 40 hours with little sleep.

I’ll talk with him about falling asleep last night and how it has left me feeling.  Maybe after some sleep it won’t matter as much.

I’m going to run this thru spell check and try not to edit so I can get it posted and close this day.

Gonna enjoy this cold Rolling Rock on what finally feels like spring!

Cheers, Greg Sr. I suspect you lived a bold and beautiful life!

Goodnight.

Accountability

It’s been weeks since I posted…

But I’ve been wallowing in Suckville (I stole that from someone’s blog!)

I finally decided it was time to stop wallowing… That Suckville sucks. That it was time to do something active… Because we have both been so passive in out affair recovery. I tried to be active in the beginning, but with little participation from my husband. I started mentally shredding our life together.. We avoided talking about his affair. We’ve shared short bitter lashing arguments, followed by hours, sometimes days of near silence. In the silence I drew nearer to the concept of divorce being a reality. I started wanting out.. More and more daily…

While wallowing, I’ve leaned toward read blogs from the cheaters perspective, to try and gain insight and empathy. Most of the cheater blogs I read appear to be from unremorseful cheaters staying married, but mostly sounds like it’s failing and they are miserable. The cheater is still at least in blogging, sound as though they long for their affair partner… All these blogs seem to do for me is add fuel to my mentally shredding…and uncoupling..

My favorite cheater blog is https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/87364197/ Surviving the affair…. A cheater’s perspective. I think this guy really gets it. He’s given me some clarity in my husband. I think he loves his wife and family. Things got crazy in their life and he got attention from someone else. It felt good. It was seemingly harmless. There was no malicious intent. But he slipped further and further down the slippery slop. And now a bunch of people are hurt. Shit happens. Bad things happen to good people. Good people make stupid mistakes, like having an affair…but it doesn’t make them a bad person.

I told my husband a little bit about his blog, but haven’t connected him yet. Why? Because honestly if he’d take the time to read it he’d probably break down in tears out of relief… That someone gets it and can relate on such a level… Because I’m a lot like this guys wife…. But I haven’t shown him his blog because then he’d easily find mine. He known I have one, I just haven’t shared it with him. I don’t go to any great lengths to hide it. It’s easy to find on my iPad… He knows I prefer him not to read it and I don’t believe he has. But someday, probably soon… Maybe… But for now, I’d prefer him not to… Not that I’m hiding anything, because I’m not…

So, I relate so well to this guys blog. Because I went down that slippery slope that landed him on his ass. And it could have easily been my story too.

The short story is..(because this is a blog post my drafts) Ten years ago, I had a mostly online emotional affair. This went on for a few months and then the guy drove 18 hrs to see me, uninvited and mostly unannounced. I had seriously misled him but that was my intent. He lived 18 hours away. He was safe. But he arrived and my husband had taken the kids away for the weekend.

I felt guilty that this guy drove all the way to see me. Crazy, right? But, Wow, what a rush, a compliment… This guy drove here all that way, to see me. Rationale is a crazy thing.. Sometimes it goes out the window… I can mostly describe it as feeling obligated to meet him. That seems weak. Probably because it is.. But I felt it. Sure curiosity was there, what an emotional high! Chemistry was there thru mostly chats and a few emails and calls… Anyways, forego rationale and off I went to meet him.

He called from his hotel and invited me over. I agreed to meet him in public. We met at a nearby Borders. He knew I loved to read and write… Anyways, this is supposed to be short… I met him. He was upset that I wouldn’t spend the night with him. He frightened me. I went home.  He called me several times and I ignored him. He called and left a voicemail that my husband heard. I would have deleted it and never told him. It was such a miserable mistake. He didn’t need to know.

My husband was blindsided. By all the same doubt and betrayal that I am feeling now.

So as far as relating, that’s how ACP’s blog has helped me.. And maybe my husband… I’ve  reevaluated what I did and the pain it caused him. My husband and I can relate on that level.

I’m not letting him off the hook..

We had some tough conversations this past weekend. I finally came clean with where my thoughts have been… That we should seriously talk about divorce. I told him I’m not in love with him, that I haven’t been for a while. That I love him. And I do. I’m crazy for this man who has totally broken my heart. But before I totally destroy us in my mind… Because truly that’s what I’ve been doing… We should get out as friends. I know my life with him hasn’t been a total Suckville… Just a few visits, and some longer…

I’m ready to move out of Suckville, with or without him…

So divorce is out there…

He came back with an invitation to boot camp on Affair Recovery. I showed him the site, as a good place to find something active to do toward recovery. Even if it was just reading..

Because doing nothing isn’t working for me anymore…

So I grabbed that invite and committed to the boot camp. Asked him to print us out the PDF’s and created workbooks for us… We are still on Day 1, but I’m hopeful. I’m going to hold him accountable. We figure it will take us longer than 7 days because of our crazy life, but agree to work it.

So last night by a beautiful fire I asked him… “What made me stop that night 10 years ago and go home before my affair became anything more than it was. And why did his affair?

He’s trying to figure that out…

I think he might be getting it….