My retreat



Picture if you will a traditional log cabin, with an end to end farmer’s porch. A lovely place to sit and read in the summer. On the side is a screened in gazebo. My most favorite place to been summer evenings when I’m here.

You enter inside and feel it’s life and it’s warmth. It surrounds you. You have all the anemities you need and some lovely extras. It’s a 4 season cabin, so there’s heat, and should the summer be so oppressive, which is rarely the case, there’s AC.

These’s no cable, but I consider that a luxury. I sometimes am overwhelmed with the amount of news I observe. Even in my car I generally listen to Sirius Radio news programs.  Remember,  I’m a news junkie!  So I have to turn on the news if I fell the need, which I haven’t. The tv’s been on for distraction, but I’ve rarely paid it much attention. There’s also Roku, but cannot figure it out. I am also grossly remote control challenged. 

The furniture is cabin plush. By that I mean, not rustic!  Nothing is overstated and it’s incredibly inviting. You instantly feel welcomed here. My parents generally live here thru half the week (they are winter birds this month.. Down in FL.)

There’s a wrought-iron spiral staircase that leads to a loft bedroom. The ceiling is a vaulted, all open sealed pine logs.

The kitchen contains the basic appliances, minus the dishwasher. No loss there… Fully stocked wine rack, and most any alcohol you might want. But I’m not much of a drinker.

Follow thru to the “back room.” Windows all around, an electric fireplace. Overlooking a simple back yard surrounded by woods. Another lovely place to nap, or cuddle up with a book.

My other favorite thing here is off this back room, and on the deck. There you find  lovely 104* hot tub, built for six.

It’s peaceful and calm here. I have been able to breathe and feel alive, and now recognize, better yet, acknowledge how lacking I’ve been in taking care of me. There’s always someone else that needs me at home.

The cabin is in an association. Most residents here are “summer home-owners.” I’m not sure of the actual number that stay winter round, but it’s not many. My parents only come for half or week or so. They also have a condo much closer to the city.

There are a few neighbors nearby here, but I can only hear them. I’ve not seen a single person.

So I just texted to my lovely friend that I was off to town. And then wherever the road takes me. I’m taking my camera, putting on my hiking boots and see what I can find. I used to love photography, though amateur at best. So I’m rather excited. The sky is brilliant and the sun feels warm, though it’s struggling to get to 50.

I’ll come back and post about my adventures.




What I know now



It’s been 15.5 months since I found out about my husband’s affair.

Not a single day has been easy. Not even one.

This is the single most difficult and overwhelming experience I’ve ever gone thru. Without exception.

Staying is hard. Every single day.

I’m not the same person anymore. So much of who I am is still lost in the chatic aftermath of betray.

I can’t find my way out.

I question and doubt everything.

This is not the life I wanted to live.

I can’t “forget it.”

Something has to change.

But, I’m still not ready….





A Random Act of “I am Sorry”

I received the following response in an email notification this morning. Truly, with exception of the “minor details” of this affair and this Affair partner, I could hear it coming from my husband’s AP as I read it…

It crushed me…

Here it is…. (I will protect her identity)

I am not going to begin to say I understand or know what it is like to be the wife who finds out her husband is a cheater in all of this. Nor, do I begin to say that what I went through is justification for the OW’s behavior in this.

But I am other woman. And I echo a lot of other people’s experiences, when I say I never thought I would be that person. I even directly asked the person who I had the affair with if he was single before we ever met. And each time he answered no.

Even after I put two-and-two together, I still played the part for another couple of months, and meeting him recently on a business trip. I have no justification other than I had developed feelings for him, and that I loved him. The lonely part of me wanted to be the exception, rather than the norm.

And to anyone who has been the victim in this, please know that it is not easy to live as the OW. I do not sleep, I have lost appetite, and I have tearfully pleaded, begged, and sobbed asking him to do the right thing and confess to his wife. To be a better husband and father, and to either seek counseling to fix the marriage or do the right thing and walk away.

The truth is the cheater, while not always a bad person, is selfish. He started this affair because he was bored in his married life, and wanted the adventure of a new love. I am almost 35 years old, and I have given up on love. I told him he was so blessed and lucky to have a wife and kids. That he had no right to throw that away.

But I am also no better than him, because I didn’t run away. I continued the secrets despite the pain. I did it for no other reason than I loved him, and couldn’t bear to know a life without him. But in the end, I still ended it. The sleepless nights, the guilt, the jealousy, and the hurt. See being the OW means you will always be the last choice and that you have to be content with everything being on his timeline. You can only call, text, e-mail when it works for him. You lay awake at night feeling suffocated by the loneliness, while knowing he can turn around and wrap his arms around the woman he put a ring on it.

He says is not happy. But lacks the courage to make changes to find happiness. Why stay in a marriage if you are not happy? He says it was for the kids, but what is worse: having children be raised with a lie that destroys families or know that their parents loved each other but couldn’t make it work? I cannot answer that because I don’t know.

I am single. I have no one. I am alone and unsupported. And I am dying inside. From the guilt, from the pain, and from feeling like I am always the loser. Please know that not every person who becomes the OW is okay with the title of OW. That some of us have consciences and integrity. That it destroys us as much as you. He selfishly threw his marriage away and wants to keep it hidden, but he also selfishly wanted me to suffer in silence.

I wanted to find love. To feel beautiful and wanted again. He said all the right things. He kept saying “stop over thinking things”, and to have “faith”. All the while knowing he lied to me too, he could never love me the way I deserved.

I am sorry that your husband has refused to hold himself accountable. But as the OW, you deserve better than a spouse who will not acknowledge the pain he has caused, nor work on improving the relationship. You can stop a sinking ship, if not everyone is willing to help bail.

Again, I am sorry to you and any spouse who sits in this position. Please know that affairs hurt the OP as much as the spouse. We are not proud of ourselves, and many of us do not want to hurt you. We are hurting and confused ourselves. We are trying to find a glimmer of love ourselves, and yes we had no right to take it from someone who doesn’t belong to us. That is something I will live with everyday for the rest of my life. Knowing that I caused someone else pain, because I was so desperate to feel love…even if it was brief and temporary.

I am sorry.

Creating new Memories

The holiday season, from Halloween thru mid Janruary, has always been a favorite time of year. It’s so magical and people are more kind and gentle. More patient and generous. The world around always seems more hopeful and merry, even in light of recent world events.

When the kids were little, we spent much time picking and creating the perfect costume, filling treat bags for all the trick-or-treaters, decorating the house and yard.

Thanksgiving roles around and I host a typically large guest list of family, typically upwards of 20. I go all out and spend days preparing our Thanksgiving feast, and delight at spending the time with our families..

Then Christmas… We’ve always put our tree up the weekend after Thanksgiving, and it typically stays up thru the first week of Janruary. Our tradition, with a few exceptions, has been to go chop our own tree with my Dad and step-mother. We tromp thru the tree fields until we all agree on the perfect tree, cut it down and then we sit and have cocoa and donuts before hauling it home. In past years we polish off  any Thanksgiving leftovers once we get home, and then it’s full blown decorating mode! I’ve fondly referred to day as our Christmas  Tree Day. 

December always seems to rush by with all the Christmas festivities; family gatherings, open houses, decorating, baking, shopping and wrapping…toss in a few Dance competitions and hockey tournaments and it makes for a crazy busy month… all leading up to the actual holiday, Christmas, and the vacation that follows.

Last year, at this time I was still reeling from the chaos and destruction from finding out about my husband’s affair. I was a complete and utter mess. I wasn’t prepared for the holiday season, and mostly faked, fumbled and cried my way thru.

Halloween, less than 4 weeks post-dday. I’m sure I gave out candy. I don’t remember what my kids did. I’m sure I can look back at pictures and posts and figure it out, but mostly it’s a big blank.

Thanksgiving, just 7 weeks post-dday, I had my parents and brothers’ family. Very small and mostly bearable. My parents knew and I was able to pull thru the day.

I was feeling a bit more ease, safer; I’d just finished a series of emails with the other woman, and for the time felt less threatened by her. I was, and sometimes still am, overwhelmed to realize that she had always been in our life, MY life. But I was and still am confidant that she’s not a threat currently. I do have my doubts as our kids get older. The last email she sent my husband, and one of the very few that I actually read, said something to the effect of just that.. Putting old flames on the “back-burner” until the kids are grown... husband has tried to assure me that he has no idea why she sent that email, that she was never a threat and it was just sex, that she meant nothing, and he has never had any intention of leaving me. Sometimes I believe him, but that email haunts me. And then there’s the fact that he betrayed me, had a affair that spans his life since Junior high, spans our entire marriage, with large gaps of time, years even, without any contact, they both insist… but I have my doubts. 

Since those emails, I do believe there’s been no contact between them. There are days when I have my doubts, but I’ve long since given up on checking (it’s just too fucking exhausting; if he’s going to cheat again, he’ll find a way… No amount of me searching and spying can prevent him from cheating.) Again.

I’ve been in a totally new trigger field the past few weeks, and doing mostly okay navigating them. But I’ll leave that for another post. This post is NOT about her.

Christmas. December 2014. Mostly went by in a blur. I cried my way thru the month and wanted nothing to do with it. Honestly, I wanted to crawl into a hole and lick my wounds, disappear from the surreal and hellish life that had taken over the content life I had been living. However, with 3 busy kids and big extended families, this mom continued to fake my way thru…

But the daily emotional turmoil was exhausting. It was December 2013 that the intensity of thier affair became sexual (again); it was from then until dday, 10/3/14,  that I could see the thousands of texts and dozens of emails. And I was hauling myself thru hell looking the number of texts they exchanged on a particular day and looking back to see I was doing that same time and date (besides being made fucking fool.) generally I was contentedly going about my days.

… as he was having his affair…

So we skipped Christmas tree day last year. We bought our tree a a local greenhouse, but had I had to be reminded. Again, last year was such a blur with a lot of blanks. The tree got decorated. And the house got decorated some. But not my typical fair. Most of my shopping was online. For the most part I stuck with the lists to Santa, that I still request of my kids!  It was safe, easy (I didn’t have to leave my house) and they were delighted on Christmas morning, but there were few surprises last year.

Christmas Eve, I was on call. It allowed an easy excuse to not go to my Sister-in-law L***’s open house. It was all my husband’s family (he’s one of 8) and only his sister C*** and her long term boyfriend know. Inknewni wouldn’t be able to get thru an afternoon of hearing how wonderful my husband is and how lucky I am. He is still their golden child.

Christmas morning, again  a blur.. I kept tissues close at hand and didn’t take many pictures.My parents were with us, for presents and followed by a festive brunch. Then they move on to my 2 brothers families and more Christmas festivities.

Traditionally, I  host a Christmas open house and buffet with my husband’s family. It’s also open for our friends and neighbors. I make dozens of cookies, in 10-12 varieties and pounds candies, fudges and confections to gift and share.

I don’t remember most of what I did last year. I baked some, and made fudge. After my parents left we got ready to go to C***’s house for Christmas dinner with my husband’s family. I had told her about the affair. I asked her to host, as I just couldn’t get it together enough to do it.

The holiday season of 2014 will mostly remain a blur. I dont feel the need to remember it.

This holiday season, I’ve made it a point to be mindful. Honestly, I’d be happy if it were spring already, but I don’t want to rush time. I just haven’t found much holiday spirit yet. I am finding moments of joy. I’m even purposely creating them…

I’ve found my thoughts and mindset are very much focused on the fact that my son is a senior. That this time next year he will be away at college and how my role as a mother is rapidly changing. How our family dynamics are going to change. I want to be present with my son and daughters and remember this Christmas season warmly and fondl. When I reflect next year.

So, in the best holiday spirit I could muster,  my husband and I along with all 3 kids and my parents went to find our Christmas tree yesterday. It was a feat to just get all of us together, but I made it happen, just a week later than our normal Christmas tree day. We found our tree, cut it down, shared cocoa and donuts. And now it’s well on its way to being beautifully decorated. I have all my holiday decorations waiting to deck the halls and I’m determined to find some joy.

The hardest part is over, the tree ornaments. Each of mine tell a story. There’s a weary and fragile glass ornament that was on my grandmothers’ tree when she was a young girl.. It’s over 70 years old. All the baby’s first, second, third etc. ornaments, the mom and dad, son and daughter dated yearly ornaments. The Disney and vacation ornaments. Ornaments from my travels when in the Air Force. My most cherished ones, those sweet little cinnamon-glue and glitter gingerbread and popsicle stick ornaments, with their picture glued on,  hand-made with the tender loving hearts of my children. They still adorn my tree and they are my favorites. The mile-stone ornaments , character ornaments, the initial and personalized ornaments. Each and every one of them has a memory attached. I didn’t mention the all ornaments that represent my love for my husband thru the our 18 years, the Ten-year “old tin bell” ornament,  nor will I mention the memory each one evokes. Like all my ornaments. This year, just like last I’ve left them in their boxes. Maybe next year…

I’ve organized my sons’ senior portraits and my daughters’ school pictures for traditional grandparent and aunt/uncle gifts, and have some of the frames purchased. I’m not even sure I gave pictures out last year. I also arranged a professional photographer to have pictures done of my 3 kids together. Last year I will have all 3 in my nest… I’m still very anxiously waiting to see how they come out! And bonus for me, my husband doesn’t know. So I have a loving, heartfelt gift for him. Last year I filled his stocking last minute, and mostly from a well-known drug store and local chocolatier. Nothing personal. Otherwise,  I don’t think I got him anything. There were no ornaments purchased. Not even for my kids, as I discovered and my youngest reminded me, as we decorated the tree last evening. I’ve already purchase a few for this year…

I’m trying to be mindful and enjoying the little moments of real joy, or something that feels like joy used to feel. I’m feeling longer periods of “mostly comfortable with intermittent, mild to moderate triggers, and rarely one more serious. Occasional sadness but not depression, frequent mild anxiety and still often, just emotionally numb”

But when I stay mindful…

So now,  I’m off to search for holiday spirit. I’m hosting our traditional family gatherings for Christmas Day. Mostly for my son, and my girls. I will cherish all the time with him and them as I’m so aware my days are too few. I’ve got decorating to do (several day project) and a cookie-candy-fudge list to make.

I hope you are all able to find some peace, comfort and joy or something like it, this Christmas holiday season.

This my son cutting down our tree. It was nearly 50 degrees and still no snow. Very unusual for this time of year in these here parts!




Not sure why I’m inspired to blog today, but I am… I’ve been mostly lurking around WP as of late, but made a few comments over the weekend and a few responses and likes predictably were exchanged on a comment I made on His Affair, My Pain’s blog titled Common Themes…

I responded, “Me too.. I still cannot believe my husband cheated..”

Just this morning I received a new “like” notification to that comment from a blogger I don’t recognize. She’s new, not a single post.. Not an intro or an about about page.. Just a beautiful photo and title. I believe I am the first follower.

This makes my heart hurt and my tears are overflowing.. For her, because we more “seasoned” betrayed wives remember the sheer magnitude of the hell she is feeling in these first days. For all betrayed spouses, for having to pick themselves up everyday. I personally wished to just disappear, vanish, POOF!

I remember that there was nothing really made the insanity go away in the first and weeks…. The endless and often obsessive, pervasive thoughts and questions… Those really haven’t stopped for me, but they have continually lessened I learned to have better control of what I give thought to and a broader perspective.

The months since, the time, has given me hindsight. In that sense, Time does heal... But it doesn’t erase.. I still see that first text, her name and our emails, some other insignificant details, like vivid pictures in my mind. I remember my life exploding….

The  “flame was lit,”  Dday… it burned a few days and finally detonated. That’s when the truth started trickling in…and I still only know the basics really… My personal reality is, that he may not be telling me a lie, but he’s not telling me the truth either.

Over the first crazy weeks of knowing and living in the aftermath of the bomb dropping on my marriage, my life blew up, such magnitude as Hiroshima…. A giant mushroom cloud and everything instantly covered in ash.. Somehow we survived those first intense days ..

I think I’ve had my eyes closed… Because, if you grew up in the 70’s, or maybe watch enough war  movies, you know you don’t look at the blast…

Now, over a year later, I can see the massive cloud that still exists, I can see the carnage and fallout. I see that life is still moving on around me, and I’ve even participated to some degree. But I’m ready for better and beautiful again

I just still don’t know what direction to go. I’m afraid to jump.

My husband has tried to assure me that only time would heal me. I didn’t believe him then, and I still don’t. Time has dulled just the harshest edges, and eased the constant heartache, but honestly, they are still there. What the time has given me is perspective.. Again, hindsight..

I look back on what has truly been my beautiful mess of a life…

And it all looks so different now. I can still see most of the beauty.. But the mess? The mess that I was cleaning myself, while my husband was cheating and carrying on..unknowingly heaping to the mess..

My beautiful mess of a life was sabotaged.. This isn’t the life I was living, nor wanted to live.

Not sure where it will lead but you can follow my footprints as I walk out of the ashes.

Maybe tomorrow ❤️

Red Dog

I guess it’s as good a time as any to get this post up.

In 2005, I betrayed my husband…

This is the story… Along with 10 years of hindsight.

I met a guy… Ironically, neither my husband or I can remember his name. I h ope that attests to the insignificance of the relationship, but I doubt it minimizes the hurt My husband felt and perhaps still feels. And that isn’t my intent. We both think his name was “Mike” but are not completely convinced that is his name. We know a lot of Mikes and there are a lot of Mikes in the world.

But the story..

I don’t remember many of the details.. I know I was at a place, personally where things felt stagnant and boring. My husband works long hours, Monday thru Friday. He’s always had strong work ethics and loyalty to his employer.

I worked weekend nights so that he wouldn’t have to compromise his work week to manage or care for our young children. He rarely had to juggle a work schedule to meet the needs of s sick child or school vacation. Most of the time, this arrangement worked beautifully for us. I am so thankful that I have been mostly at home thru the years, raising our family. Even now.

There were many days in the early years of us that I was overwhelmed with the kids. I lost sight of myself. I put everything into my family and home. The kids were getting older, had friends, school, sports and social engagements. I wasn’t the center of their world anymore.

My husband was professionally driven. I took the role of homemaker and tried to manage everything. Home, kids, work, cleaning, cooking. You know.. All the things a mother does… When he got home at the end of a long day. He just wanted to chill, relax, hang with the kids, watch TV. I was lonely and bored.

I started playing an online game. I made some online friends and we’d get together at planned times to play. It was fun, filled the loneliness and I had friends that were totally not a part of my real world.

Then I met Red Dog.. His game name.. Thru these online friends.

Harmless it seemed. He started sharing about his life and wife and how unhappy he was. They were separated. He was easy to chat with.

I started confiding in him about my personal life. It became easy to commiserate with him. Our game chats eventually led to emails and phone calls (no texting then…)

I remember feeling excited and anxious to hear from him. It felt good to be noticed and have attention.  I felt cared for. I’d anxiously check my email to see if he’d sent me anything, and was rarely disappointed.

His attention was filling the boredom and loneliness I was feeling at home. I don’t know if my husband noticed or not, but everything felt better. I felt attractive and desirable. I had more energy and enthusiasm about my daily grind.

I was able to justify the relationship because he lived 18 hours away. I was never going to see him. So really, it was all harmless in my mind… It wasn’t real. It wasn’t going to affect my marriage.

My husband was planning to take the kids away to our family cabin, to give me a few days break. I was so excited for the break!

I had a manicure and pedicure. Went shopping. Made plans with my online friends to play our game.

Of course Red dog knew I was going to be home for a weekend alone. We talked about it. Entertained meeting.. Even as unrealistic as it was. It felt safe to lead him on. Keep him interested and assure him that someday we’d meet. But in my mind.. It wasn’t going to happen. I just didn’t want him to know that because I loved his attention.

I  don’t recall how it came about, but he plans to drive here when my husband was away. I didn’t encourage it, but probably entertained it. Really, I was content with the way things were. It was fun and fine (in my mind) to carry on the illicit virtual affair. Nobody was going to get hurt or even know.

I knew I was being deceptive. I made sure to delete emails and chats. But again was able to justify it. I was happier and he was no threat and lived 18 hours away. I don’t know what I “thought” I was doing, but I sure didn’t consider it cheating. It all felt so harmless

As I recall, he hinted a few times about coming here and I supported the idea in the beginning. When it got real and he was serious about driving here I got scared. Didn’t want him to, but sure the curiosity was there.

So off my family went. I didn’t hear from him the day they left. He had been hinting that he got me a gift. I probably encouraged him to deliver it but again, it was in fun. 18 hours away is a big buffer zone!

I spent a lovely day alone pampering myself… Something I hadn’t done in years. I got home in the mid afternoon and he called. He was in town and wanted me to join him at his hotel, minutes away.

This is where it gets messy for me.

I felt a bunch of crazy things. Mostly that I could get away with it and my husband would never find out. I also felt upset.. That he was invading my precious weekend alone. I didn’t want to share it with him.

Suddenly what felt so “harmless” left me unsettled and anxious.

And at the same time, what a testament to his interest in me.. Driving 18 hours.

So.. After a few calls and little persuasion I agreed to met him at a bookstore with a coffee shop.

I was curious about him.. Maybe I could get away with it… I got myself prettied up and with a sense of intrigue, guilt and obligation, I went to meet him.

Why guilt and obligation? I don’t know really.. But it’s where hindsight helps. I am one of those “guilty” old souls and apologize for everything. It’s an ongoing thing for me… I still struggle with it..

I know I felt “responsible” for him being here and that I should at least met him in person to tell him I had misled him. I felt guilty that I had led him to be serious about coming here. That I may have let him be live I was serious about meeting him someday.

I got out of my car at the bookstore and this guy came walking up to me.. I remember realizing just how tall he was. I knew he was over 6′ but seeing him was a reality check. He walked over to me and we hugged. He leaned in and I know we kissed, but awkwardly.

I don’t remember much about the conversation that followed, but it didn’t take me but a few minutes to feel uncomfortable and anxious for a way out. I quickly recognized that this was not so innocent anymore.

And it was my fault. I led this guy on. Let him believe that I was interested in him and wanted him to feel like he was special to me. And he was.. Until it was real. I didn’t want to cheat on my husband. I didn’t recognize that my actions were taking me directly down the slippery slop.

Suddenly the conversation turned tense. He was upset in my lack of interest in him. He was disappointed in me that he’d driven all this way and wouldn’t at least have sex with him, didn’t understand the big deal in me spending the night at his hotel. He reminded me that my husband would never find out.

He was persistent in expressing his dismay even after I made it clear what a mistake I’d made, apologized for misleading him, explained that I loved my husband and wouldn’t cheat on him.

I hugged him goodby to try to make peace as I got ready to leave. He followed me and being so tall was able to “corner” me at my car with his arms on the roof and around me. I’m only 5’1″.. I felt threatened and afraid. I told him he was frightening me. He tried to kiss a few times but I let it be known that I wanted to go. I wasn’t interested and I was scared.

He called me a prick tease.

I got home and he called a few times. I may have answered once. I know he tried to persuade me to come to his room a few times, but that all may have been at the bookstore and in the parking lot. Mostly I ignored his calls and deleted the messages from our answering machine.. Back in the day of landlines. I had no intent on telling my husband about it. Such a foolish mistake!

The evening was early, I got home and hung out with my online friends minus Red dog. I’m pretty sure I told my friends J & M about my visitor and the situation, leaving out that I’d intentionally led him on.

At some point my husband called to get the voice messages. I had missed one from Red Dog.

I don’t remember what the message said, but it was enough for my husband to know something inappropriate had happened.

He called me and asked questions.. I’m sure the same questions all betrayed ask, “who, why, what…” I tried to assure him that he had nothing to worry about. That I was home and nothing happened. He agreed to stay at the cabin as the kids were in bed.

“I love you” he said.

“I love you, too. See you tomorrow.”

I don’t recall any specific contact with Red dog after that evening. I stopped playing the game when he played and don’t remember an official “no contact” conversation or email.

I know my husband called him and was confident that nothing sexual had happened.

Red dog also told him that he was a “lucky” guy, because I wouldn’t cheat on him.

In the days and weeks that followed we had some serious conversation about cheating and fidelity  commitment and monogamy.

I know I hurt my husband.

I never understood how much.


It’s been weeks since I posted…

But I’ve been wallowing in Suckville (I stole that from someone’s blog!)

I finally decided it was time to stop wallowing… That Suckville sucks. That it was time to do something active… Because we have both been so passive in out affair recovery. I tried to be active in the beginning, but with little participation from my husband. I started mentally shredding our life together.. We avoided talking about his affair. We’ve shared short bitter lashing arguments, followed by hours, sometimes days of near silence. In the silence I drew nearer to the concept of divorce being a reality. I started wanting out.. More and more daily…

While wallowing, I’ve leaned toward read blogs from the cheaters perspective, to try and gain insight and empathy. Most of the cheater blogs I read appear to be from unremorseful cheaters staying married, but mostly sounds like it’s failing and they are miserable. The cheater is still at least in blogging, sound as though they long for their affair partner… All these blogs seem to do for me is add fuel to my mentally shredding…and uncoupling..

My favorite cheater blog is Surviving the affair…. A cheater’s perspective. I think this guy really gets it. He’s given me some clarity in my husband. I think he loves his wife and family. Things got crazy in their life and he got attention from someone else. It felt good. It was seemingly harmless. There was no malicious intent. But he slipped further and further down the slippery slop. And now a bunch of people are hurt. Shit happens. Bad things happen to good people. Good people make stupid mistakes, like having an affair…but it doesn’t make them a bad person.

I told my husband a little bit about his blog, but haven’t connected him yet. Why? Because honestly if he’d take the time to read it he’d probably break down in tears out of relief… That someone gets it and can relate on such a level… Because I’m a lot like this guys wife…. But I haven’t shown him his blog because then he’d easily find mine. He known I have one, I just haven’t shared it with him. I don’t go to any great lengths to hide it. It’s easy to find on my iPad… He knows I prefer him not to read it and I don’t believe he has. But someday, probably soon… Maybe… But for now, I’d prefer him not to… Not that I’m hiding anything, because I’m not…

So, I relate so well to this guys blog. Because I went down that slippery slope that landed him on his ass. And it could have easily been my story too.

The short story is..(because this is a blog post my drafts) Ten years ago, I had a mostly online emotional affair. This went on for a few months and then the guy drove 18 hrs to see me, uninvited and mostly unannounced. I had seriously misled him but that was my intent. He lived 18 hours away. He was safe. But he arrived and my husband had taken the kids away for the weekend.

I felt guilty that this guy drove all the way to see me. Crazy, right? But, Wow, what a rush, a compliment… This guy drove here all that way, to see me. Rationale is a crazy thing.. Sometimes it goes out the window… I can mostly describe it as feeling obligated to meet him. That seems weak. Probably because it is.. But I felt it. Sure curiosity was there, what an emotional high! Chemistry was there thru mostly chats and a few emails and calls… Anyways, forego rationale and off I went to meet him.

He called from his hotel and invited me over. I agreed to meet him in public. We met at a nearby Borders. He knew I loved to read and write… Anyways, this is supposed to be short… I met him. He was upset that I wouldn’t spend the night with him. He frightened me. I went home.  He called me several times and I ignored him. He called and left a voicemail that my husband heard. I would have deleted it and never told him. It was such a miserable mistake. He didn’t need to know.

My husband was blindsided. By all the same doubt and betrayal that I am feeling now.

So as far as relating, that’s how ACP’s blog has helped me.. And maybe my husband… I’ve  reevaluated what I did and the pain it caused him. My husband and I can relate on that level.

I’m not letting him off the hook..

We had some tough conversations this past weekend. I finally came clean with where my thoughts have been… That we should seriously talk about divorce. I told him I’m not in love with him, that I haven’t been for a while. That I love him. And I do. I’m crazy for this man who has totally broken my heart. But before I totally destroy us in my mind… Because truly that’s what I’ve been doing… We should get out as friends. I know my life with him hasn’t been a total Suckville… Just a few visits, and some longer…

I’m ready to move out of Suckville, with or without him…

So divorce is out there…

He came back with an invitation to boot camp on Affair Recovery. I showed him the site, as a good place to find something active to do toward recovery. Even if it was just reading..

Because doing nothing isn’t working for me anymore…

So I grabbed that invite and committed to the boot camp. Asked him to print us out the PDF’s and created workbooks for us… We are still on Day 1, but I’m hopeful. I’m going to hold him accountable. We figure it will take us longer than 7 days because of our crazy life, but agree to work it.

So last night by a beautiful fire I asked him… “What made me stop that night 10 years ago and go home before my affair became anything more than it was. And why did his affair?

He’s trying to figure that out…

I think he might be getting it….

Days like this I struggle…

Starts off with being over-tired. I generally pay attention to my sleep requirements. I’m very sensitive to lack of sleep. It leaves me moody, anxious, irritable. It precipitates migraines. I forget what I’m doing or am supposed to do. Sometimes I fear this is a form of early Alzheimer’s.. Such a dreadful and indignant disease. But I know it’s from lack of sleep.

I should be sleeping now, but can’t keep my nose out of my iPad. More specifically these blogs. There are so many. And I keep finding new ones, some just recently started. Some older that I’ve never read thru. That’s usually what I do though.. When I find a new blog I read it from the beginning… So much betrayal… Hurt… Destruction. I wonder if there’s a limit to how much I can read before I stop. I’m not sure what reading these stories feeds in me, but there’s something.

I know it’s validating, to feel like a blog post could have been written by me, because I can generally relate to what that person is saying. And I can relate to almost every blogger I read and follow. So I’m learning too. Exactly what I don’t know. But I do know that I’m not always wrong. What I feel is real. I’m not loosing my fucking mind. You all feel it too…

Just because my husband says, “You shouldn’t” feel (a particular way…) as he often would, when I tried to explain how, what and/or why I was feeling insecure, afraid, suspicious, hurt, betrayed blah, blah… I’ve long since stopped trying…

“Well perhaps Darling, I shouldn’t feel it. but I do. It’s me, who I am and it’s what I feel. They are after all my feelings. You cannot tell me how I should or should not feel.”

I  haven’t strayed to far off the topic of infidelity. Why most of you are reading likely reading my blo…Affairs, betrayal. The heap of shit that comes after DDay… That I metaphorically speaking, am buried in. Big fucking pile of warm reaking shit.

What I really should be doing is sleeping. Because it does make a difference to my mental well-being. Last night I was on call. I Work from home as a triage nurse. Occasionally it requires me to make house calls. I got to go on sort of rescue mission. The scheduler in the office missed a major appointment with a sick youngish fellow just discharged home from knee replacement and osteomyelitis. He’s a sick man. Fragile.

His wife called at 8:45 to inquire about when a nurse was visiting. They expected one at 8 pm. There was noting in his chart but a referral note. That noted the patient’s trepidation at having visiting nurses, as previous experiences had gone poorly. I could hear anxiety and frustration in her voice. Someone missed something. I called the manager on call, who is also a friend. She had a little more info but we agreed I needed to go start this mans antibiotic infusion. So off I went to the rescue. I was able to redeem my employer and ease the anxiety of a new customer. It all worked out… But it led to a pile of work that I didn’t “plan on” and I didn’t get to bed until almost 2, and then read a civil war short story history book for 30 min or so.. To shut my mind off and fall sleep… Because it never seems to stop… My work phone rang again at 3:15 am. I was up about a half hour and then went back to sleep… For a few hours. I’ve been up since just after seven. Curled up in a blanket reading blogs and now rambling away in my own post. When I really should be sleeping.

Even if I went to bed, I’d be thinking and drafting this all in my head, so I guess that’s why I’m rambling… Just to get it out. Some of “it” . There is so of it that needs to get much shit that I’ve just ignored for years. I’ve put up with so much utter bullshit. I still am.

It’s all so different now though. I don’t think I love him enough to put up with all the daily bullshit. Not anymore. Even when I first found out about him cheating, the little things I overlooked; the family and marital annoyances, like toothpaste covers and who cleans the cat boxes, which I begrudgingly do, 90% of the time… The dirty cloths pile he leaves in his corner, and wet towel draped over the foot board. All those little things that I just overlooked because it’s just what I do. Now every time he leaves something out-of-place it’s like a little pinprick, reminding me how totally unappreciative he is, how selfish and lazy he truly can be. How he really doesn’t care what I think or feel. He doesn’t even try to. But this isn’t new behavior… He’s always been like this. And he’s so passive. Avoids issues until they go away. And by default, I did too. I wasn’t always like this. But I’ve become passive, passively happy enough…  accepted his way of dealing with our issues, which was, by avoiding them… Look where it got us.

Now I question most everything about us and our relationship, from the very beginning. Both my husband and “the other woman… ” (I’m not feeling “mouse” anymore… Today I’m feeling whore, skank, slut, fucking ego-stoking  cum slot (sorry if I offend… My blog, my words)… Both told me to “not rewrite history and make the affair more than what it was.”.

I’m not sure what purpose her advice served. I suspect it made her feel better about herself… it means nothing to me. But from my husband, all I can think is that I didn’t rewrite it. History is what it is.. In the past as you say.. But I’ve only known six months. I’ve become informed and enlightened now, of a history that I was denied, and still am. So many things I missed and avoided, tolerated. Because it was all a part of loving him… hindsight is the only clear perspective I have these days.

The future looks so uncertain. But it doesn’t frighten me.  Right now it just overwhelms me. I feel stuck, in the same miserable pattern that we always resort to. It’s not enough anymore. I don’t think I want to live my life with mediocrity. Happy enough isn’t enough anymore.

I just don’t know what to do yet. Or even how to get to a point of figuring it out. I do know that I’m not going to figure it out in the next few hours. So with that I’m going to nurture my weary mind and broken heart and take a nap.

So please overlook the rambling nature of this post… I’m exhausted and don’t want to rethink it. So not much editing either.