My letters to the “Other Woman”

I exchanged a series of emails with my husband’s affair partner, LKL. My mission right now is to find answered and the truth. Ant least enough to move forward and not sit waiting for the “other shoe” to drop.

My husband, for the most part hasn’t helped me. He does try, but has an arsenal of excuses; some are legit, some are bullshit lies. It’s easier for him to tell me what he believes I want to hear, even when it’s not true. I think I’ve finally got him to understand that he’s already hurt me more than he EVER could. The continued lies just make healing and any chance at reconciliation impossible.

My motivation in these emails was not to use LKL as my source for thruth. My thinking was and is, that somewhere in the lies and excuses, is something that probably was true at some point.

My personal goal was to reduce the fear I felt, that she imposed on me… By engaging in an affair with my husband.

I don’t know if I accomplished my goal, as I am still fearful and anxious. I don’t feel threatened by her anymore.

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November 18, 2014 at 12:00 p.m.

Subject: Questions    

I’m not sure why I’m writing this or even if it will be sent. Actually I’m not sure of anything these days, since our 16th anniversary. October 3rd, the day I found the text message “I miss you too baby, xoxoxo” he sent to you. Did you know it was our anniversary? Did you know he called me baby too? He used to, I asked him to stop. I wonder if you know I thought we were “happily enough” married? That I had no idea Matt was cheating and lying to me.

He hid it very well for a very long time. It was really by chance and not suspicion that I even saw that text. I suspect you know very little about me. What you think you know is likely a lie. I’ve learned that cheating spouses often make their partner and marriage to be subpar. They lie to their affair partners, just as they are lying to their spouse.

I asked Matt to write me a timeline of your affair. He did, but it’s vague and has gaps. He’s not good dates or details. Maybe you know this. He doesn’t know exactly when it started. We agreed it started years ago, before he was even married to  ——-.  And then there is a big gap until you and he connected on Facebook in 2009. What I need to know is when the affair started. By that I mean, when did you and/or he decide you needed to hide those texts, emails, messages etc from your spouses? Because that’s where the affair started, at least the lies of omission and betrayal aspect and the emotional aspect. I also need to know when the sexual aspect started. He has it on his timeline that he gave me, but I don’t believe him. He knows this. I also need to know what feelings were shared between you. I’ve asked him. He’s vague and elusive. Has replied, “it was just sex.” I don’t believe him. He knows this too. I question him about the phone call log. All I find to your # is one phone call. ONE in all the time you an he were carrying on your affair. I don’t believe it. I also would love an explanation of the article you sent to Matt, the day he told you that I found out. The article was about putting old flames on the back burner for some future time. I believe it was from from “The Science of Us.” Matt says he didn’t read it (Ironically, this I believe.)

In fact, I am having a hard time believing most everything he’s told me about the affair. That’s what an affair does though. It destroys trust. I need to know how long my husband has been lying to me and figure out how long my marriage has been illusion.

I want you to know that I don’t hate you. I hate what part you contributed to my husbands betrayal. I suspect that you and I could even have been friends, in a different life of coarse. I saw and read thru your Facebook, before you deleted it. I read thru your Pintrest and linked in profile. I read thru your work profile and a few things on google. I know some about your husband. And then the obvious, we both have a thing for my husband. We are probably similar in a number of ways. I have no desire to see or know anything about you except for where you entered our marriage and violated marital boundaries without us knowing. I do wish you just never existed. I will always feel jealous of your history, starting in high school. But you exist, so the best I can hope for is that someday I will forget about you. I doubt I will. I doubt most everything. But I do feel that your honest response would help me to make some kind of sense to this affair. I need a baseline to know when my husband is being truthful or at least trying to be. I love him. I hope he and I can move thru this and heal. Books even say our marriage could be better after an affair. Although I don’t see how that is possible, I am only in the very early stages of healing from this trauma… So I hope. But, before I can begin to move forward, I need to know the truths. I deserve that. Without it I’m not sure I will ever be able to truly put it behind me. So, the thrust is the start, the rest will be time.

I’m copying Him on this email. M isn’t aware I’m writing this until now. He may not even see it as he’s blocked you from his email. In any case, Do Not contact him. You are welcomed to correspond with and thru me. I assure you I will share any correspondence between us with my husband.

Regards,

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November 18, 2014 at 1:37 p.m.

Subject: Re: Questions

I am in Raleigh looking at wedding venues with our oldest daughter and only have my phone so a lengthy response is not possible but I have seen this email. I hesitate to write anything as it could be used against me or forwarded to <her husbands name, “K”>. While your marriage is likely to survive, because <my husbands name, “M”> does truly love you and his family, mine would not. That would leave my daughters and I in a precarious position and have a far reaching impact. I do love K, we have our flaws, and I value our marriage and lives together despite my reckless disregard and I’ll live with that regret but K and our girls don’t deserve that pain any more than you do.

I return tomorrow afternoon and would meet you for coffee to answer your questions to the best of my ability. I won’t contact M and haven’t since the 3rd and I wasn’t aware it was your anniversary, one more thing to be sorry for and ashamed of.

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November 18, 2014 at 2:31 p.m.

Subject: RE: Questions

I hope you understand, but I am not up to meeting with you. I cannot do that to myself.

I can assure you that I have no intention of involving K. If he is to know, it should come from you. I have no interest in causing anybody the pain of finding out his wife had an affair. As I told you in the email last month, the only way I would consider telling him is if you were to interfere in my marriage. In some ways I envy him, not knowing. I wish I could not know. I miss the illusion that I had with M. Before I knew about the affair.

But I know .. I am just trying to make sense of it. I need to know the truth. Don’t be so sure that our marriage will survive. I’m not. M knows this. I know he loves me. But he’s been deceiving me, and lying to me. He misled me and disconnected from us. There’s a lot of repair work to do. There are no words really to describe how devastating infidelity is. It makes you question everything. Everything!

The 3rd was our anniversary, and the day I found the text message.. I confronted him on the 6th. He called you on the 7th to tell you I knew.

So, if you don’t mind corresponding thru email it would be better for me. I have no interest, desire or need to contact K.

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November 18, 2014 at 5:16 p.m.

Subject: RE: Questions

I understand and will try to recreate a timeline from my calendar when I return to the office. Our time together only occurred when I was in Portland legitimately for an overnight meeting or flight out, omission yes but I can’t fabricate reasons to be away from my family.

I’m not sure that our teen relations or even connections before and after <my husbands 1st wife, “M”> are very helpful because you weren’t impacted and they are ancient. As I said to M in the final card, my timing with him was always abysmal and there was either someone else for him, for me, or circumstances that made it impossible to have anything real between us. We operated as old friends from the start of your pregnancy with J until January of 2014.

We actually only communicated by text with the exception of the one call. We had a couple of emails that were fairly benign and work related about ICD10, IT connections that I needed with  <employer>  and the October conference. Being part of a big system his email may be monitored, and perhaps you have access to it, but that wasn’t his preferred method to correspond.

I don’t doubt that it was “just sex” for him, particularly given the tone of the last text I received. In fact, very early on he said that it would be much worse if he were “going out looking to fall in love”. He also said that he didn’t think that you would be devastated because of previous indiscretions on your part that you had worked through – that may have been a fabrication but I believed him. Other than that comment, he never said a disparaging word about you and painted you to be a loving and devoted mother whose children are her world. That we have in common and perhaps many other things as well. Again, I can’t apologize enough though it doesn’t change anything for you. I’ll try to answer other questions if you have them.

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November 19, 2014 at 9:59 am

Subject: RE: Questions

I don’t expect you to understand the impact of your relationship to my husband has had on me. He was friends with you in high school and you did what ever you did then. Beyond that I didn’t know anything about you until he mentioned you in regard to Facebook and connecting with you and Missy.

Since discovering the affair, he has told me that he saw you a few times after high school “for sex” and then nothing until you and he connected on Facebook in 2009. That’s a big gap of time. How/what do you know about my pregnancy with my son? M claims ignorance. Doesn’t remember any connection until FB. I call bullshit.

So although your relationship as “old friends” may be ancient and non-threatening, why didn’t I know about it? You’ve always been a part of his life and I didn’t know…

Did you know <my husbands ex-wife> ? Did he cheat on her too?

As far as “my indiscretion” he claims he doesn’t recall what he told you. At one point about 10 years ago, we tried an open relationship. He couldn’t do it. Therefore we went back to a monogamy. (Which is just another baffling piece to this whole affair. He could have avoided all this hurt if he addressed an open relationship again….)

So whatever indiscretion I had was marred with untruths, and then he justified what he was with you doing by adding that he didn’t think I would be devastated. It was to make himself feel better. Just selfishness. Read about cognitive dissonance ..

I don’t expect you to understand. Honestly I don’t even understand. M is providing little to no help, in helping me understand. That is why I contacted you. I do appreciate your help.

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November 19, 2014 at 11:41 a.m.

Subject: RE: Questions

I’m not sure that we ever really know what is in a person’s mind or subconscious even if they claim to be telling the whole truth or to not remember. Then there is the fact that my memories are not his and because of gender differences are likely romanticized. He was my first crush 30+ years ago. Again, I believe that he is telling his truth about his feelings, or lack thereof, for me.

We did have a fairly large gap from a couple of days after you announced your pregnancy until 2009. I ran into the two of you at the mall when J and M where 1 & 3 but that hardly counts. I knew of your pregnancy because M and I had a long lunch and I think I was one of the first people he told, only because I’m easy to talk to and not judgmental. He was distraught at the time so may not remember. He invited me to see his apartment after lunch I declined and he then thought better of it as well. We had set up the date before he knew and after he told me I had no doubt that he would do the right thing and I didn’t pursue him.

He loved children and was always suited to be part of a family. At one point I had hoped that we would raise A <her first daughter> together (again romantic notions of a 19 year old) but he was too young, lived with five guys and, unknown to me until I stayed at his apartment, he was seriously involved with <first wife> . I only found out because I overheard a conversation where one of his roommates said, “what about M <first wife>” To which he responded, “L has nothing to do with M” I left the next day, gathered my self esteem and never returned calls or saw him until he and M divorced and you were pregnant. I’m not sure if he cheated on her, but if he did it wasn’t with me.

We reconnected in 2009 when I asked about <his sister>. He pointed me to <his father> and <his sister> and I spoke a few times. Unfortunately time and choices have not been kind to her so while I made attempts to meet in person she would cancel due to migraines or whatever. I think my lifestyle and success may be intimidating, which sounds boastful but is not meant to be.

M and I messaged a few times, he would send something out of the blue like at Christmas or I would respond to a post. I’m not sure why you weren’t aware, I never hid that from K. Then we adopted the kitten. We had coffee or lunch a couple of times from 2009-2013 when I was in <city> , again I told K  and not sure why you weren’t aware. We had chemistry which I think is why he never introduced me. Spouses have a way of picking up on that even if it is no longer current.

I may have always been in his life as a best friend to his younger sister (I lived at their house for a bit), old friend or lover but I was not in his heart or on his mind the way that would have made either of us change our existing relationships. Maybe that is why I was safe, he knew I wouldn’t demand more than he could give because I have precious relationships, a consuming job and political pursuits. I wish I hadn’t been open to indiscretion this year and had, as in the past, been more guarded with my emotions, pride and impulses. Even in writing this I’m swallowing my pride a bit which is difficult and unusual as I’m stoic by nature and don’t openly express failures of character. As for cognitive dissonance, I’m not sure what M has told you about me but I’m highly educated, well read, and don’t own a TV. So other than sports and pop culture I understand most concepts and appreciate that he hides behind the, “I’m just a guy” stereotype for protection.

Does that help at all or just add confusion?

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November 19, 2014 at 12:41 p.m.

Subject: RE: Questions

It helps, and adds to the confusion, if that makes any sense.

I knew about the kitten, but had forgotten. He reminded me in the days after I found out. It was so incidental by itself, as so many of the connections were over the years. But most of the incidents truly would mean nothing if I had known about them. It the fact that he kept them from me, and I’m concerned still is.

When did it change from old friends? I wonder how your timeline will compare to his.

I truly am not trying to make it more than it was, but it’s enough that he had an affair. He’s trying to make it into “just sex” and minimize or down play it. Time won’t make this go away. This affair has destroyed the foundation of our marriage, which seems unstable from the beginning .. In hindsight. In order for me to heal, I need to know the truth. That’s the only way our marriage to survive. And still then, the statistics are against us. If I’m even going to consider doing the shit work we have to do to reconcile our marriage, I need the truths. I need to know that fighting to make it work is worth it, because I will do most of the work. That’s the dynamics of Matt and I.

I once too was confident and stoic, self assured, comfortable with myself. I’ve dwelt with depression over the years, but outwardly, for the most part I did fine. The revelation of this affair and the time since have often reduce me to a puddle of tears I’m fearful, anxious and nervous. I’ve lost sense of time. I’ve had to reevaluate everything in my life. Nothing is the same anymore.
The very place that I went to for comfort, need and during my storms, our storms together, was Matt. He was my safe place. This time he unleashed the storm and I have no haven. Until I know the truth, or am at least satisfied that nothing significant has been left out, then each lie unleashes that storm again. Then, any little progress we’ve made is lost.

Our marriage has to become something different now. And that’s what I want. I love Matt. I know I can forgive him for this messed he’s caused. But I can’t without the truth

This is the vile, raw reality of infidelity.

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November 19, 2014 at 1:01 p.m.

Subject: RE: Questions

boarding the plane from DC to Portland but the short answer to the change was December 2013 following a long lunch. First time we were together in 25 years, give or take, was in the middle of January 2014. I think you were at a dance competition with Hannah but can’t be sure. More later.

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November 19, 2014 at 2:32 p.m.

Subject: Fwd: Questions

While I know nothing will be the same, I hope that you won’t rewrite history because of this lapse in M’s judgment. Not that I have any right to advise, but because M s/was a friend and that you and I are communicating, I’ll take the liberty. He was devoted, which is why “open” didn’t work back then and hurt his feelings/pride to think he wasn’t enough around his 40th birthday. Perhaps he wanted to spare you that, took into account your depression and was in his way protecting or taking care of you? Hard to know, but I do know his heart is still with you, your children and the life you’ve made.

I’m not sure why me and why now, other than I was in a vulnerable place, available and said so, but he maintained I was his only affair in your marriage. Take some comfort that he notices your depression and lends that support, I had postpartum so severely with our last child that I cried alone daily for months and was ready to take K’s head off and he never realized until I told him years later.

Sorry, not about me and back to just the facts….We texted frequently during the work week but didn’t see each other very often, only a handful of times. If you want specific dates I’ll have to recreate my calendar but off the cuff I would guess 4-5 in a year maximum with the last time in July shortly after his birthday. In our last conversation M said that he would answer anything you wanted to know but would caution you to really examine how much detail is productive rather than just rubbing salt in a wound. I’ll share what I know and remember, because I owe you at least that, but don’t want to continue to add to your pain.

I think that the dynamics of M are that any woman would have to do the work. I hope this changes that aspect for you because he realizes what could be lost and is ready to be accountable for his end of the heavy lifting.

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November 19, 2014 at 6:27 p.m.  

Continuing with questions

I wish I had the strength to talk with you in real time. I apologize as I know this is awkward at best communicating with you. I truly an only seeking answers and truths. It isn’t intended to make either of us uncomfortable. I am. I can only assume you are as well. I am only trying to find a place to start the work that we have to do to eliminate any chance that this can happen again. That said, I will also take liberty to suggest you do work to repair your marriage. Mine is questionable right now. Yours isn’t. But it must be broken. Ask yourself, “Is he a friend or enemy of my marriage?” You are an enemy. And I didn’t know. I do believe that had I known about the friendship and it’s tangled roots, it would have been fine. But because it was a secret or omission as it was, it’s a threat.

I am going to address your comments below under each paragraph as you wrote them. I will put my comments in brackets.

While I know nothing will be the same, I hope that you won’t rewrite history because of this lapse in Matt’s judgment. Not that I have any right to advise, but because Matt is/was a friend and that you and I are communicating, I’ll take the liberty. He was devoted, which is why “open” didn’t work back then and hurt his feelings/pride to think he wasn’t enough around his 40th birthday. Perhaps he wanted to spare you that, took into account your depression and was in his way protecting or taking care of you? Hard to know, but I do know his heart is still with you, your children and the life you’ve made.

[ Matt was a friend. It is past tense. It has to be. I am sorry. You and he became more than “friends,” ending any chance for a life long friendship. I know the pain I caused him 8-9 years ago. The issue with him sparing my feelings, if that was his intent is that he later sought you for comfort. I appreciate your assurance of where his heart is. I’m not as sure anymore. I do know he loves our children. I’ve never doubted his dedication and adoration of them. He was careless with the life we’ve created together. He took a costly risk.]

I’m not sure why me and why now, other than I was in a vulnerable place, available and said so, but he maintained I was his only affair in your marriage. Take some comfort that he notices your depression and lends that support, I had postpartum so severely with our last child that I cried alone daily for months and was ready to take Kevin’s head off and he never realized until I told him years later.

[Neither of you were available]

Sorry, not about me and back to just the facts….We texted frequently during the work week but didn’t see each other very often, only a handful of times. If you want specific dates I’ll have to recreate my calendar but off the cuff I would guess 4-5 in a year maximum with the last time in July shortly after his birthday. In our last conversation Matt said that he would answer anything you wanted to know but would caution you to really examine how much detail is productive rather than just rubbing salt in a wound. I’ll share what I know and remember, because I owe you at least that, but don’t want to continue to add to your pain.

[ he shared on his time line a number of lunch or coffee dates and then a number of times at a hotel. A number of missed opportunities. I truly have no desire for the gritty details, more the data; dates/times, generalities… I’ve asked Matt many questions. He tries to answer, but he’s not forthcoming, I just really want to construct a timeline to make something concrete out of this mess. When one how did you and he progress to getting a hotel room?]

I think that the dynamics of Matt are that any woman would have to do the work. I hope this changes that aspect for you because he realizes what could be lost and is ready to be accountable for his end of the heavy lifting.

[again, I appreciate your assurance. How are you so sure? You write as if you know him so well. This confounds me, as I know so little of you.]

My family is home. I need to tend to things here. I do appreciate your assistance. I look forward to your timeline.

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November 20, 2014 at 5:59 a.m.

Re: Continuing with questions..

Yes this is awkward and uncomfortable, at best. Frankly every time I see your name in my inbox I’m sure that this is when the other shoe drops, so you aren’t the only one that is anxiety ridden. Agreed, I am working on my marriage and I’m also used to doing all the work, the coordination of schedules and taking care of the details of our lives. We are broken and have been for some time but still love one another and our children. Maybe “happily enough” is what I need to aspire to for now. I’m doing some reading, soul searching and meditating (my recovering catholic term for praying) and trying to be more present and connected.

Correct, Matt is no longer someone with whom I will have contact. Was, past tense. Available was not a literal term but more the state of my psyche.

It sounds as though his timeline may be more detailed because I can only recreate my travel dates and overnights with any accuracy. My schedule is filled with committees, meetings, speaking engagements and conferences and I never put his name anywhere on the calendar. I also deleted all texts as I read them after January so don’t have a perfect way of giving that level of information. I could confirm or deny if you sent me a starting point but will send what I can retrace tomorrow.

Perhaps it was presumptive of me, but I wrote as if I knew him because I’ve known him since I was twelve. I don’t know the details of him the way that you do, and never will, but I do know his character, his family and some of his history. I am horrible with dates and need the calendar to recall but I’m excellent with nuances, tones, body language and remembering the details of conversations. The assurance that any woman would have to do the work was based upon the relationships he had as a teen, his description of his marriage to Michelle and personal experience. I think the more I write the more I injure you and then need to explain. Sorry

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November 20, 2014 at 11: 41 a.m.

Re: Continuing with questions..

I wish there was a way to assure you. The only thing I would gain is vengeance. Vengeance is destructive. There’s already enough of that. That doesn’t negate that I firmly believe Kevin should know. I also believe that it is your place, and not mine to tell him. I place no judgement on that choice. If there was a way for me to not know about it, I would take it. There’s comfort there, it’s safe.. Even if it was an illusion.

So, I hope you appreciate humor and sarcasm.. I started this email before Matt came down this morning, planning to finish after he went to work. Not in discretion, as he is aware of these emails (he hasn’t read thru them all.) just to prevent any awkwardness for him. He has since taken the day off and now (here’s the humor/sarcasm) you are a third wheel! It’s been a good morning. I keep being interrupted by thoughts of finishing this email and anticipating further responses, questions, the timeline etc… I want to turn my iPad off and just be with my husband.

So, if you don’t mind, please don’t respond to emails from me today. That way I can just put it aside. I look forward to tomorrow’s correspondence.

(I told him I needed to send this to you, so that I can put the interrupting thoughts to rest. He went to shower so I could send this and move on with our day (humor, sarcasm) without ME dragging you along with us!)

I’m going to be mindful of today.

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November 21, 2014 at 8:54 a.m.

Re: Continuing with questions.

I do appreciate humor and sarcasm and no longer wish to be the third wheel in your marriage, and how awful if it is you who is dragging me along for this bumpy ride. So I’m writing this and storing it in the draft folder to send tomorrow as you requested but also want to get the work out of the way so that I can get on with my day as well. The more we do this the more “real” you are to me and I get increasingly angry with myself. It was easier to not think of you either, though I used to ask Matt “where are you supposed to be”, I stopped asking at some point.

So here is the calendar to the best of my abilities…please don’t get upset if I add a date that wasn’t an actual encounter, I may remember offering possibilities and then it didn’t happen but I was in Portland.

January 25th
February – either 10/11 or 24/25
March 18th
April 8th
May 2nd – coffee?
May 14th?
June 18
July 23rd
Nothing but texts from that point on.

I truly wish you had a wonderful day, lived in the moment and were able to pretend that I don’t exist. I would not be sad if Matt opted not to read ANY of these communications, part of my moving on is to not let this continue to have power over my thoughts or emotions. I don’t want to write to you thinking that he is reading the emails and edit or censor them in that way, I would rather think that he doesn’t care to read them and this is strictly for your clarification and benefit.

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November 21, 2014 at 11:29 a.m.

Re: Continuing with questions.

We had a good day, but he and I both do well at sugar coating things. Matt especially. What makes it especially hard right now is that Matt will take a good moment or day and think I’m past the affair. I’ve barely accepted or started to process it. My world has just stopped reeling. I feel safe enough that there isn’t “another shoe” waiting to drop. That’s something. I can breath.

I do hope that you find healing in this and that you are able to to find peace with yourself and seek comfort in your husband. That is where you should find it. You clearly have repair work to do in your marriage. I don’t envy you having to keep such a destructive secret. I can’t imagine.

So the timeline..

Are those dates that you met at Sable Oaks? Was that the only place? Was it during his work day? How long did he stay with you? I know he met you in July one evening.. July 23rd you confirmed. I was at the cabin. And last December… There was a lot of texts and suggestive email that aren’t included on either of your time line. But last summer is when the increased texts started..(I can only see 15 month history on my phone bill.) Did you and he “sext” or send pictures? Did he wear a condom? EVERY time? My dr wants me to have an STD panel. It makes me want to puke.

My sister in law Cara lives with her boyfriend Al. She and I are very close. I told her about the affair… She told me that Alan had been suspicious that Matt was having an affair since last August, and more so in December. He is a former cheater. He repeatedly cheated on multiple partners and wives. I believe he was married twice. He is a former cheater… He is completely and utterly devoted to Cara. We all should be so fortunate.

I do hope Laurie, that for you sake, Kevin’s sake, your family and marriages’ sake that this be your only transgression. This crazy modern world we live in easily lends itself to a “slippery slope” where your meaning a colleague for lunch, start sharing marital woo’s… Flirty messages lead to suggestive messages, secret lunch, leads to emotional affairs, sexual affairs. It’s easy. Even in perfect marriages.

When did you decide that the texts etc, crossed a line and start to keep them from Kevin? When did it move from “old friend.” How did it happen? Why did it happen? Did you and he talk about the consequences of being discovered? Matt obviously told you he didn’t think it would upset me much. Did you and he talk about a future together someday.. Like after all our kids are grown? What did he share about his feelings for you? What are your feelings for him? What did he tell you about me?

What were your plans and expectations for the DC trip? He did cancel the trip for personal reasons, unrelated to me knowing. I do think my timing was right discovering your affair. I fear you and he would have crossed a deeper level, a no turning back point. I told Matt as much and he agreed. He’s won’t elaborate what he meant by that. I haven’t asked recently, and may not again. I can’t feel everything that he feels. I have more than enough to bare.

It’s such a weird thing to know so very little about you and you know so much about me and my family, and my husband even on an intimate level. I really know the basics that Internet allow me. I never even saw your Facebook. You and Matt unfriended before I thought to look thru it. Ironically that only occurred to me a few days ago.. I started poking around on his wall and messenger. I believe you may have gotten a message from Matt with a “?.” It was from me. He had deleted his messages from there too. Did you and he use messenger much?

I guess I should stop. The thing about a good day is that the next day is not so much. The sheer weight of this betrayal is the very first thing I feel when I open my eyes in the morning. I was anxious for Matt to leave, but tearful as he went out the door. He didn’t notice. And then I waited for your email. I could sit here and probably come up with thousands of questions with endless emails. I promise I won’t. I will make sure that you and I both agree to the end of communication between us, and conditions should need for future correspondence be needed.

I wish you knew who I am. I have so much to do. Today is a “super mom” kind of day…but some moments, some hours are so difficult to get thru… I have Thanksgiving to host for 10. I prep from scratch.. Everything from the pies and pastries, to the veggies and herbs. I have a 22 lb frozen turkey boarding in my refrigerator. I have pounds of veggies to peel and chop. I’ve checked my stock of baking supplies and stocked up on brown sugar and fresh baking powder. As I type this I am reducing turkey stock for gravy. The very idea that I am hosting this is overwhelming. My parents just called to asking about our “Christmas tree day” plans. Traditionally my parents go with us to chop our Christmas tree, the weekend after Thanksgiving. I can’t even think past today, let along Thanksgiving, and now Christmas? So I refocus, regroup.. Wipe the tears.. Because I have so much to do.. Kids need things.. Second coat of paint in the hallway, cleanup work from painting project that we finished yesterday, I should make or at least make a pie or pumpkin roll, maybe my dough for rolls.. I have a few calls that have to get made, routine household responsibilities, laundry. Final shopping list for Thanksgiving, bake something for a fundraiser this evening, hockey booster “community” fundraising dinner event this evening (currently making me nauseous.) Matt and I are a couple that people in our community, our circle see as the “perfect couple.” We frequently hear comments and compliments about our beautiful family and our beautiful life. It’s making me tremble to think of such a statement being made this evening, and it’s highly probable. I have to get thru a 4 hour hockey tournament tomorrow, both Jacob and Madeleine are playing. I think I’ll not go to the event tonight. Tomorrow’s will be easier cheering on bleachers and at pizza, hopefully celebrating. I am my children’s biggest fan.

But it could be that I can get myself together and be up this event tonight, later. I truly don’t know. This is such a crazy emotional mess.

Regarding Matt reading these emails.. I will not keep him from them should he wish to read them. I have nothing to hide. He’s only read the first few. I doubt he will read them unless I insist.
I have presented a few things to him, that I’ve asked him about and your emails have contradicted. I’ve caught him in lies.He tends to minimize and answer with what he himself would want to hear. I just want the truth, and the minimal details that I may ask about. I’ve barely asked for details, as I’m really prepared to hear them or ever will benefit. Please don’t interpret that as you causing me additional hurt. Please have no doubt the questions you’ve answered and what you’ve shared are painful, sometimes just sting. But nothing like the betrayal of my husband.

I appreciate your timely and kind responses. I do feel that actively getting thru this process, will bring closure for both of us. I want that. We both need it. I hope we all find healing.

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November 21, 2014 at 12:07 p.m.

Re: Continuing with questions.

Just so you aren’t waiting in anticipation of a quick response I wanted to let you know that I have the day from hell here at work and will write at the end of my work day before going home.

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November 21, 2014 at 12:11 p.m.

Re: Continuing with questions.

Thank you.. It’s very helpful. Much easier to be task focused and not stalking my email. I can get some things done.

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November 21, 2014 at 3:41 p.m.

Re: Continuing with questions.

A sense of what I’m dealing with daily – Super Mom status (check) – this morning started with temper tantrums from my 6 year old who has such sensitive skin that it borders on a sensory disorder, my 8 year old playing Christmas music for her recital on the grand piano as loud as possible to drown out the tantrum and our dogs “singing” along to the music. It calmed down enough to pack lunches for my vegetarians who won’t eat school lunch, get everyone packed up, dogs out, and spelling words reviewed for today’s test… All before coming in for my full day at work managing a multimillion dollar health care center.

Tonight is gymnastics after work. I’m also hosting Thanksgiving because we have a massive house and then the following weekend a Christmas party for 80 of our closest management employees and their families. I will cater it all and clean up after, because that is what I do. K and I are often called a “Health Care Super Couple” and are also envied for our relationship, brilliant children and lovely home. K is near perfect and by anyone’s standards I have no reason to complain.

Except I hold it all together…I was away for 3 days to visit with A in Raleigh and the house fell apart. It snowed and K forgot to pack G pants to wear under her ski pants because bunching up a skirt in there is not going to fly, she rocked long messy locks for Monday and Tuesday because he can’t braid and she won’t let him near her waist long blond ringlets, C had to drive over after working the night shift as an RN to do her little sister’s hair for picture day on Wednesday. Folders didn’t get emptied and groceries I had stocked up on before I left were depleted and not replaced. Favorite jammies were not washed and the dogs didn’t get enough exercise so one of them ate his bed and left stuffing all over the kitchen – which was still there when I walked in from my flight.

I take care of the details – I am the general contractor on all house projects, pay the bills, shop for insurance and groceries, do the taxes because I have an undergraduate degree in accounting, order the oil, wood and pellets and get furnaces and chimney, handle car repairs, manage everyone’s schedules and tell K where I need him to be on any given day. He doesn’t notice dirt and I’m OCD. So no reason but the general living with a successful and ambitious man reasons to complain.

I’m stoic and accomplished and don’t admit defeat and rarely ask for help, unless I’m drowning, so I bring much of this on myself because he assumes I’m ok unless I’m a puddle of tears, which happens approximately once every 3 years when I’m PMSing and the stars align perfectly. I love music and use it as a drug. Don’t do drugs, drink, smoke or eat meat but drink way too much coffee so I can mutter through. Love animals, rescue and foster dogs (have 5 at home right now). Don’t have a horse for the first time in years and miss them. Hate to sweat so I walk the dogs, ride horses and do yoga to stay thin – because K is an elite athlete and I need to stay in relatively good shape. Haven’t owned a TV in 30 years but read voraciously and will stay up until 2 am to finish a novel even though I’m not a morning person and will have to be up by 5:30 for the family. I don’t suffer fools but clearly am one as I’m writing this as if you’ll care. (So that is me in a nutshell)

I’ll answer the rest in blue below and hopefully you can see that on your computer.

—–Original Message—–
From:
Sent: Friday, November 21, 2014 11:30 AM
To:
Subject: Re: Continuing with questions..

We had a good day, but he and I both do well at sugar coating things. M especially. What makes it especially hard right now is that M will take a good moment or day and think I’m past the affair. I’ve barely accepted or started to process it. My world has just stopped reeling. I feel safe enough that there isn’t “another shoe” waiting to drop. That’s something. I can breath.

I do hope that you find healing in this and that you are able to to find peace with yourself and seek comfort in your husband. That is where you should find it. You clearly have repair work to do in your marriage. I don’t envy you having to keep such a destructive secret. I can’t imagine.

So the timeline..

Are those dates that you met at Hotel? Was that the only place? Was it during his work day? How long did he stay with you? I know he met you in July one evening.. July 23rd you confirmed. I was at the cabin. And last December… There was a lot of texts and suggestive email that aren’t included on either of your time line. But last summer is when the increased texts started..(I can only see 15 month history on my phone bill.) Did you and he “sext” or send pictures? Did he wear a condom? EVERY time? My dr wants me to have an STD panel. It makes me want to puke.

Yes, Hotel was the only place and the dates were 1/25, 3/18, 5/14, 6/18 and 7/23. I called them to confirm. The other dates were coffee or just that I was in City and we didn’t even connect. Hotel was in the evening after our work days and he stayed a few hours. No suggestive emails because they are work accounts and I’ve admitted that we texted frequently during the work week. You shouldn’t need more than 15 months because we didn’t really text until 2014. No pictures – this is strange to say and may sound contradictory but I’m not slutty. You should follow your doctor’s advice if you need that assurance and talk to M about any details so that you can rail at him (when the kids aren’t home) and get it off your chest.

My sister in law C lives with her boyfriend A. She and I are very close. I told her about the affair… She told me that A had been suspicious that M was having an affair since last August, and more so in December. He is a former cheater. He repeatedly cheated on multiple partners and wives. I believe he was married twice. He is a former cheater… He is completely and utterly devoted to C. We all should be so fortunate.

If by “last August” you mean August 2014, then we were talking but hadn’t seen each other since July. I really hope you didn’t share my and K’s name with your sister and brother in law. While you say you don’t have an intention of telling K they might on your behalf.

I do hope L, that for you sake, K’s sake, your family and marriages’ sake that this be your only transgression. This crazy modern world we live in easily lends itself to a “slippery slope” where your meaning a colleague for lunch, start sharing marital woo’s… Flirty messages lead to suggestive messages, secret lunch, leads to emotional affairs, sexual affairs. It’s easy. Even in perfect marriages.

As far as that slippery slope, I have not cheated before and won’t again – my husband is an amazing man and I love him. The guilt is overwhelming and it was that it was M not because I wanted an affair. The first cut is the deepest and all that… I’m sure that is hard to hear but that is my truth.

When did you decide that the texts etc, crossed a line and start to keep them from K? When did it move from “old friend.” How did it happen? Why did it happen? Did you and he talk about the consequences of being discovered? M obviously told you he didn’t think it would upset me much. Did you and he talk about a future together someday.. Like after all our kids are grown? What did he share about his feelings for you? What are your feelings for him? What did he tell you about me?

Late December of 2013 we had a long lunch and that was the turning point. We did talk about consequences and he said that he would “protect me” from what is happening now. He assumed that if you found out you would not be devastated and that you would not likely want to know who (nor would he put me in that position) and that it wouldn’t really matter because the betrayal would be the most important part to address. We did not discuss a future together and he didn’t share feelings with me – other than saying he missed me when we hadn’t seen each other in a few months. As I said, he only painted you in a positive light as a devoted mother. We talked about health care, work, his family, politics, and our children.

What were your plans and expectations for the DC trip? He did cancel the trip for personal reasons, unrelated to me knowing. I do think my timing was right discovering your affair. I fear you and he would have crossed a deeper level, a no turning back point. I told M as much and he agreed. He’s won’t elaborate what he meant by that. I haven’t asked recently, and may not again. I can’t feel everything that he feels. I have more than enough to bare.

I didn’t have huge expectations. We had separate rooms for the conference, he had plans to meet with C and then we had dinner reservations for the next night. I offered to show him around the city because I’m there several times a year. He cancelled because he said he had two important conversations that weekend – the first with his CFO and the “more important” conversation with you and H. His reason was that you had a “mandatory training” and someone had to look after H and he “frankly could not lie to my 13 year old daughter”. I said I was deeply disappointed but would get over it and we talked about meeting on Friday when I returned to talk in person. It may have ended at that point even without your intervention because the tone between the two of us was strained. We hadn’t seen each other in a couple of months and I think the weight of it all was getting to both of us.

It’s such a weird thing to know so very little about you and you know so much about me and my family, and my husband even on an intimate level. I really know the basics that Internet allow me. I never even saw your Facebook. You and M unfriended before I thought to look thru it. Ironically that only occurred to me a few days ago.. I started poking around on his wall and messenger. I believe you may have gotten a message from M with a “?.” It was from me. He had deleted his messages from there too. Did you and he use messenger much?

No we did not and I deleted and blocked the both of you. I use my FB page to keep up with family who live away and to do rescue work. If I didn’t have wedding ideas on my Pinterest page I would disable that as well.

I guess I should stop. The thing about a good day is that the next day is not so much. The sheer weight of this betrayal is the very first thing I feel when I open my eyes in the morning. I was anxious for M to leave, but tearful as he went out the door. He didn’t notice. And then I waited for your email. I could sit here and probably come up with thousands of questions with endless emails. I promise I won’t. I will make sure that you and I both agree to the end of communication between us, and conditions should need for future correspondence be needed.

If you send emails on the weekend I won’t likely answer them because I don’t generally take time away from the family to work unless they are sleeping and then I would be working in bed with K beside me. That would be more than awkward, though he might not notice either
.

I wish you knew who I am. I have so much to do. Today is a “super mom” kind of day…but some moments, some hours are so difficult to get thru… I have Thanksgiving to host for 10. I prep from scratch.. Everything from the pies and pastries, to the veggies and herbs. I have a 22 lb frozen turkey boarding in my refrigerator. I have pounds of veggies to peel and chop. I’ve checked my stock of baking supplies and stocked up on brown sugar and fresh baking powder. As I type this I am reducing turkey stock for gravy. The very idea that I am hosting this is overwhelming. My parents just called to asking about our “Christmas tree day” plans. Traditionally my parents go with us to chop our Christmas tree, the weekend after Thanksgiving. I can’t even think past today, let along Thanksgiving, and now Christmas? So I refocus, regroup.. Wipe the tears.. Because I have so much to do.. Kids need things.. Second coat of paint in the hallway, cleanup work from painting project that we finished yesterday, I should make or at least make a pie or pumpkin roll, maybe my dough for rolls.. I have a few calls that have to get made, routine household responsibilities, laundry. Final shopping list for Thanksgiving, bake something for a fundraiser this evening, hockey booster “community” fundraising dinner event this evening (currently making me nauseous.) Matt and I are a couple that people in our community, our circle see as the “perfect couple.” We frequently hear comments and compliments about our beautiful family and our beautiful life. It’s making me tremble to think of such a statement being made this evening, and it’s highly probable. I have to get thru a 4 hour hockey tournament tomorrow, both Jacob and Madeleine are playing. I think I’ll not go to the event tonight. Tomorrow’s will be easier cheering on bleachers and at pizza, hopefully celebrating. I am my children’s biggest fan.

But it could be that I can get myself together and be up this event tonight, later. I truly don’t know. This is such a crazy emotional mess.

I wish you strength and peace in the coming days to get through everything that you need to do. When I’m going through something terrifying I generally wall off my emotions, pull up my boot straps and attack things head on. After that DC trip I allowed myself a weekend to wallow and then put it behind me until you wrote. That is the only way I can move on. I can’t dwell on what he is thinking, play what-ifs in my mind and belittle myself for the mistakes that I’ve made.

Regarding M reading these emails.. I will not keep him from them should he wish to read them. I have nothing to hide. He’s only read the first few. I doubt he will read them unless I insist.
I have presented a few things to him, that I’ve asked him about and your emails have contradicted. I’ve caught him in lies.He tends to minimize and answer with what he himself would want to hear. I just want the truth, and the minimal details that I may ask about. I’ve barely asked for details, as I’m really prepared to hear them or ever will benefit. Please don’t interpret that as you causing me additional hurt. Please have no doubt the questions you’ve answered and what you’ve shared are painful, sometimes just sting. But nothing like the betrayal of my husband.

I wasn’t suggesting that you keep them from him because I know you are working toward 100% honesty. It was more protecting my pride. My goals is not to hurt you more or to catch M in any lies. My feelings aren’t his and our memories are our own. Sometimes we remember what we can tolerate from ourselves and if we tell ourselves enough lies they become our reality.

I appreciate your timely and kind responses. I do feel that actively getting thru this process, will bring closure for both of us. I want that. We both need it. I hope we all find healing

I also hope that we all heal and find a way out of the mess that M and I made. Too many wounded but I pray there will be no casualties.

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November 21, 2014 at 5:27 p.m.

Subject: Could you please let me know when you’ve read that other long email?

Thank you Ruth Anne

That way I’m not stalking my email all weekend. Have a nice weekend or try to.

Take care,
L

 

Subject: Re: Could you please let me know when you’ve read that other long email?

I’m sorry, I read it early. I will not send a response until Monday. I am emotionally spent today and have so much to do.

Until Monday..

Ruth Anne

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November 24, 2014 at 12:08 p.m.

Subject: December 2013

Can you elaborate on when you saw my husband last December? There was an email that I saw just a few lines of but said something to the effect of… “I blocked 12:30-5. If I need more time, like the weekend wink wink I’ll have to arrange my schedule…”

Also, who and how do you recall the exchange with M being invited to your room in early January? I suspect conversations in December…

Also what happened May 8th, there was an email with hotel reservation confirmation info for this date.

I know very little of the email conversations. What I do see generally is a sentence or two. Sometimes less.

We’ve had a really rough weekend. Matt had to tell our 2 oldest that he had an affair. They figured it out. I didn’t want them to know.

I’ve never been so hurt, confused, sad, overwhelmed or foolish in my life. I never for a moment thought my husband would cheat on me. So I think it’s fair for a direct answer to a question I’ve asked you both. Simple yes or no, did he wear a conform every time youww fucked? Just yes or no.

I’ll address the last email from Friday at some point. Right now I really need to be focused on tasks at hand. I have too many things do.

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November 24, 2014 at 12:25 p.m.

Subject: Re: December 2013

I need to back away. This is not healthy for either of us and you are clearly getting more volatile so I can’t trust that there won’t be vengeful actions. It is also making me physically ill, not your concern, but I have an autoimmune disorder and need to take care of myself and my children right now.

M should be accountable and answer all your questions. I’m sorry.

 

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November 24, 2014 at 12:46 p.m.

Subject: Re: December 2013

Are you mean to decline further emails? Or just at this time.

I apologize for any ill feeling you’re experienced because of me L. Truly I do. My intent has been kind and respectful and I’ve have only sought questions to help me create a time line of this affair. And to make sense of its beginning.. A reference point as to when my husband started lying to me. I promise you that any ill feeling you’ve experienced, mine are worse, tenfold.

The condom question is mostly for selfish and embarrassing purposes. I do not want to humiliated and tell my dr I need an STD panel. That truly is all I am trying to avoid. I’ve been quite humiliated enough. As far as vengeance L, I’ve told you. I have no intent. It’s destructive and I wish I didn’t know. He doesn’t have to. I hold nothing against you. M is solely responsible for the actions he took. Not you. I have been nothing but honest and truthful. I’ve done so respectfully for the most part, and kindly. I have no reason to lie or betray you and our conversations.

I hope you know that it has been mostly helpful and therapeutic for me. I have a much less threatening vision of what you and M shared. I also have a better grasp on the length of it. I don’t feel threatened by you and I am mostly confidant that communication between you and he is finished. This is a far place from where I was last week. I do hope you consider continued correspondence.

If you decline could you be so kind as to let me know. I’d prefer to know one way or the other.

Thank you for your consideration.

Regards,

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November 24, 2014 at 2:01 p.m.

Subject: Re: December 2013

Frankly I am livid with him for not manning up and telling you everything you need to know to start the healing process. AND that you feel as though you are getting more honest answers from me, even though we have never met, than your husband. I have no intention to speak with him again but in a way feel like I’m betraying him by giving details that he won’t…which again makes me furious that he is putting us both in this position to begin with.

It is horrible that your children even had an inkling of what was happening. I suspect that they were too young 8 years ago to have noticed. Did that come out as well or are they just villainizing M for all the marital issues? It doesn’t change who he is to them or how he loves them but those are very adult concepts that they won’t understand until they are much older and in their own relationship. Right now I can imagine that they just see that he is hurting their mom, which is tragic.

I’ve lost ten pounds since October, was on edge all weekend and couldn’t sleep last night thinking about how that impacted you and what you might say. I don’t want this to consume me during the holidays and I don’t want my disease to flare.

I’ve also tried to be honest, kind and respectful but I’m not sure what more I can offer that will help any of us.

Ps in addition to all my other “don’ts” I don’t swear and find that disrespectful so you won’t see that in my communications.

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November 24, 2014 at 4:28 p.m.

Fwd: December 2013

I find myself apologizing a lot. The answer to your direct question is no, not at all, and I thought that my last email inferred that without directly responding but opening the door for M to come clean. So here is the embarrassing answer…I’ve had the STD panel and I’m clean. I’ve also had all the hep vaccines from traveling abroad and TB test annually from working in a health care facility.

Yes, that December email that you quoted opened the door, though he was just joking when he sent it, and we certainly had no plans of rescheduling our weekends. I met my daughter C that evening for a girls overnight in City to celebrate the end of her semester and to finish our Christmas shopping.

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November 25, 2014 at 8:52 a.m.

Communications

Should I assume because you haven’t responded to the last two emails that you agree to ending our communications and will look to M for answers that he should have provided? I really hope you find what you need to move forward and reconcile your family. Happy holidays 

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November 25, 2014 at 9:09 a.m.

Emails

I think it’s time to end communication between you and I. I want to clarify a few things you’ve eluded to.

1. Regarding my children finding out about the affair: I had no intent on them knowing. I don’t thing I can express how humiliating it is to find out my husband has been having an affair for a year and even before that, continually and consciously kept you a secret, even when you were “operating as old friends.”

2. I’m not sure what M shares with you regarding my “indiscretion.” You’ve addressed it several times. It’s not your business, but seems my husband made it so. Although I’m curious about his story to you, I suspect it a spin on a truth. In other words a lie. (Remember he’s been lying to me for quite some time.) I assure you he’s lied to you as well. I did not have an affair. I won’t elaborate further on this, except to add that M caused much more hurt back then than I ever caused him. I doubt he would agree.

3. Our children have grown into strong emotional, intelligent, amazing young people. I marvel at them! They have not villianized M. You shouldn’t worry yourself about how the C’s manage this after affair hell that M caused. You and he were both selfish and irresponsible. We are the fall out, but it’s his, and not yours to repair. They adore their father. M is an amazing father. I am confident they will find it much easier to forgive him and move past this revelation.

4. I believe the kids finding out, and his subsequent admission to them has made him realize just how real and destructive the affair is. It’s much more real for him. I think it made him aware of all that he risked and has to loose, by being so careless.

5. Them being angry at him for hurting me isn’t tragic. It’s natural. I’m their mother. They will get over their anger with M much sooner and easier than I will.

6. I apologize for the “f” word. I use it for effect. It works. It was a simple question with yes or no response. Thank your frank and honesty. That is all I wanted. M finally admitted it too. Regardless of what either of you think, I deserve the truth and that’s all I’m trying to get to.

7. You’ve spent a fair amount of time describing yourself and the effects of this affair on you. Make no mistake, you are not the victim.

Let me explained what I’ve gone thru

-anxiety, like I’ve never experienced in my life
-fear, I lock my doors when I’m home alone.
-social phobia, I dread going anywhere for fear of running into someone.
-last I stood on the scale I’ve lost 15 lbs, and that was in the first month. Now when I look in the mirror, I see a sad, middle aged woman that I don’t recognize.
-the only time I feel safe is when my husband is sleeping beside me.
-the very first thought I have when I open my eyes, is “it’s not a dream.. He really did have an affair.”
-I still don’t know how to navigate the holiday season. I wish we could just skip them altogether.

Five people have been affected (that I’m aware) but have no doubt. I am the victim. My life has been irrevocably changed.

Your are correct in that M should provide the answers. He doesn’t, and has a dozen excuses to offer instead. It’s unlikely I will ever know the truth. I just need to accept that. He knows that I expect the truth for us to move forward toward reconciliation. He should be my source, not you. I don’t know the future of our marriage, but I won’t find it in email exchanges with you.

Do you have anything you want to ask or add?

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November 25, 2014 at 10:26 a.m.

Re: Emails

Points take and agreed…you are the victim, the three sentences about my health were to end our conversations and they have, the lengthy email on Friday about myself was in response to your saying that you know nothing about me but were searching the internet for answers and no nothing to add or ask. Thank you for not divulging my name.

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November 25, 2014 at 11:58 a.m.

Lastly

I’m not sure I expected this to end so abruptly. I suspect it’s for the best. I mean you no harm L. I hope you believe that.

Please believe that these emails have been much more helpful than hurtful for me. You revealed several truths that M, having previously been asked, had lied about. Being able to confront him with the truth made it possible for him to start opening up, even when he thinks what he has to say will hurt me. Eventually he will understand that he can’t hurt me any more than he already has, but the continued lies will only keep wounds raw and prevent healing. That’s all I want. I will not let this affair define me.

I’d like to suggest a book. “Not Just Friends. I forget the author. They use some cheesy examples but fundamentally it’s good advise after an affair, to improve your marriage or for a new couple navigating their way into a new relationship or marriage. I’m going to give it to my kids to read someday. It’s a good guide in setting boundaries that are much easier to cross in this modern and technological world we live in. It’s a quick easy read and I skimmed thru a fair portion, but it’s worth suggesting nonetheless.

I trust that you will never contact my husband again. I no longer am threatened by you. I’m compelled to say that if you ever do contact him. I will take it as a threat, to me and my marriage and therefore would contact K. Otherwise I have no interest in him being involved. I truly envy his naivety. I’m the fool.

Should you ever tell him or him find out, you are welcomed to reach out to me should he have questions, seek answers or has the inevitable and exhausting “need to know” that perhaps I can help with.

I’m a highly experienced and seasoned Registered Nurse of over 20 years. I have had countless certifications thru my career. I’m a 12 year veteran in the United States Air Force. I was a combat trauma flight nurse and spent time in the same places that are still a mess in the world today. I was there during the aftermath of the bombing in Dhahran, Saudi Arabia. You’ll never know a gentler, companionate, nonjudgmental, empathetic, loyal or forgiving soul than I have. I won’t allow this defining moment in my life define me. It is only a defining moment.

Part of my personal therapy has been to practice mindfulness. It’s challenging but I can stay focused for longer periods of time. I also have started meditating and using my essential oils. I started a blog. I used to be an avid journalist. I plan to include our conversations at some point in my blog with obvious editing for protection, for all of us. It is private. I just think it fair you know. I’m not sure I will, but I do believe that we communicated in a mostly healthy manner and I know there has been healing for me. And that’s what my blog is about.

I will come thru this stronger and wiser. I’ve faced many adversities and diversities in my life. I always come out better, redefined.

I love my husband. He can never be “my happily ever after” or “my dream come true,” but he can grow old along with me. I do believe we’ll get thru this. Even in the depth of this mess he’s created, I still can’t imagine him not in my life.

Sincerely and Kindly,

 

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November 25, 2014 at 11:58 a.m.

Re: Lastly

Thank you for your service. I have the utmost respect for both soldiers and health care workers. This email certainly has a stronger, healthier and more determined tone. Thank you for the suggestion and offer. While I’m uncomfortable being in a blog I do believe that we have been as civil and reasonable as can be expected in this situation and oddly under different circumstances would welcome reading your writing. I think I have said before that in another reality, one where I met you when M and I were friends, we might have liked one another. Seems that we have many things in common, including meditation and oils, perhaps utilizing Eastern medicine philosophy while being paid by Western medicine.

You do not have to keep reminding me not to contact M, I understand your feelings and have no intention of reaching out to him. I would however, like to inform you if I ever decide to take a position at employer that could potentially have us crossing paths. I was approached about a position last year but declined for personal reasons. Would you be open to that communication if my situation changed? If we should ever encounter one another in a professional situation, which is unlikely, I will not engage unless it is unprofessional not to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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20 thoughts on “My letters to the “Other Woman”

  1. Wow, Rac. I just spent the past hour reading through this email string. You are lucky that she actually corresponded with you and offered up some things of substance. Bottom line on my take – you handled it with the utmost grace and dignity, even in light of your emotional state these past several weeks (I’m here for you), and she comes across as a self-righteous, self-absorbed woman who thinks very highly of herself. Grandiose and grandstanding. But we know better. Personally, I think the underlying tone in most of what she writes is to make herself feel superior to you, and to lead you to feel she’s superior to you. Don’t fall for it – it’s obvious that you are the better, stronger woman. Please take comfort in that, in moments where the thought of “them” is painfully overwhelming.

    I wish I’d had the same luck that you did, in reaching out to the AP. You gave me the courage to do it, so I thank you for that. My AP is also self-righteous and self-absorbed, condenscending to the nth degree. I managed to get 2 brief texts and one brief email from her before she asked, “Please don’t contact me again.” And I was civil, not nasty at all. So she’s a coward, as I suspected. As far as she’s concerned, she’s the victim. Totally clueless. I plan to post the complete, pathetic correspondence, so stay tuned, if you’re interested.

    Hugs and thanks from the Midwest…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It was really hard, and I still stalk my email.

      I intended to have the last word but yes she being self righteous and grandiose bitch that she is sent one more email after “lastly” asking if she should contact me if she ever seeks employment at my husbands employer.

      It’s funny, I know they both work In the same IT/ healthcare industry. I did find comfort knowing she lives about 1.5 hrs away from me and is somewhat rural. I didn’t consider her professional future. So the last email I sent I stated that it would feel like a threat for her to work with my husband.

      Honestly, just the suggestion of potentially working for the same employer is a threat. I’ve spent hours ruminating over the potential of her and my husband working together, since that email.

      I’ve read thru blogs of betrayed wives and there cheating husbands work with the affair partner.

      I know beyond any doubt that I would never be able to reconcile (is that what I’m doing now?) with my husband if he had to go to work with her every day.

      The idea that they could potentially work together overwhelms me.

      Thank you for reading thru them. I did edit them, but WordPress didn’t save all the corrections. I don’t care too much. I really don’t have anything to hide.

      I an thankful for having the opportunity even when I really want to send her the raging, betrayed wife version of those emails. xo

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  2. You go Girl! I, too, want to rage at the AP, really put her in her place. I’m trying to decide how to proceed, because I still really want answers to my questions. In Illinois, I could sue her for Alienation of Affection and/or Criminal Conversion, but I seriously doubt I’d do it. Even so, I’m kinda tempted to say to her, “You can choose to answer my questions in an email or answer them in court when I sue your ass for AA or CC, or both.” But I’m definitely not going to allow her the last word. She is so full of herself, she must have put on quite an act for my husband for him to see her for over four years.

    My husband worked in an area where he could see her every work day if he wanted to, when she went to the train station for work (he’s an electrician). Plus she was off every Wednesday, so he’d spend his lunch hour at her house nearby for a fuck date. Ever since D-day, I was constantly in panic mode and it never eased up until he switched departments in June. But he now has to be downtown sometimes to work on equipment there, and of course I panic then because that’s where she works. At least he isn’t there every single day.

    It’s paralyzing, the complete loss of trust and the fear that the affair isn’t over. I’ll probably reword all this and put it in a blog post.

    Don’t forget to be good to yourself, Rac.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kind of amazed by this exchange — especially that the other woman acknowledges her role and guilt. Even if that’s only from fear of being outted to her husband, its interesting to me. Obviously you still have the pain of the affair to work through, but I think it must be somewhat satisfying to have an apology from the other woman. Good for you for maintaining your dignity and composure through that long exchange. L is clearly very frightened of you and the knowledge that you could potentially share with her husband. BTW, how on earth are you restraining yourself from telling him? My husband’s OW is single — if she were married I would want to hurt her as badly as possible, and that’s the best way I could think to do it!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow that is quite the correspondence, I don’t know if I could have done that as well as you had. I wrote my husbands whore a nasty email after I found out (it was the nastiest letter ever, maybe I should post it and give everyone a laugh) and I have never regretted it. After that letter (which she did not respond to) I sent her a couple of text messages and she said she would answer any of my questions (we also spoke on the phone once). I was civil to her in the texts in order to get her to answer my questions so after communicating a couple of times I realized that she was lying about things to me so I cut off all contact with her. The last I heard from her was the day I told her husband about the affair, she sent me some texts. I think I may do what you have done here and post my correspondence with her and with her husband, would probably make for an interresting read I think.

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  5. 🙂 My name is Matt. I found out on August 30, 2010 that my alcoholic wife was having an affair with a good acquaintance of ours.
    We lived in NH then. Sold the house we raised our 4 kids in and a profitable business and moved to VA to ” be near my parents.” I feel your pain, it brings mine back– I just don’t try to make sense of it anymore. On March 16, 2019 our youngest will turn 18. When she is comfortably settled into college -I am going to make serious changes. I will be 51 then….. don’t even feel like trying to start over or move on without my wife of 23 yrs– but something will happen/change. I love your writing—I hope you get to the point where you can kick the pain in the ass and move past the garbage he put in your life…….

    Liked by 2 people

      1. How time flies. Things are good at this moment on a Monday morning. My wife and I are still together. My children in spite of huge struggles brought into their lives through alcoholism are incredible well-adjusted people.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Very nice RAC! I’m amazed at your calmness in the emails with her. There was NO WAY I was going to ask her questions although she offered while she was telling me about her deep connection to my husband and how it was meant to be….

    Strange how the OW tend to sound superior in communication with the BW! SlutFaceAmy is like that.

    My emails to her weren’t as nice as yours 😉 Dog on heat. Slut. Prostitute. Holes with a vacuous personality. That kind of thing ….

    I DO mean her harm. I mean to knock her off her self promoted pedestal. If she had a husband I would not hesitate to tell.

    I don’t think I’m a very nice person sometimes………..

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    1. Yes, I’m not sure where the whole superiorness comes from. I think it’s a trait of cheaters thoug.. They do seem to think thier actions are above the law, that they are entitled and justified.

      Whatever it takes for them to fuck someone else’s husband I suppose…

      But I hear it in my husband too. He still argues with me that “it’s no big deal” 7 months later..

      I’m not sure why I took the approach I did.. I think mostly because I did want the information from her.. Because my husband sure wasn’t forthcoming.. Still hasn’t been really.

      It surely wasn’t because I wanted her respect… Or had any for her..

      I have some pretty nasty and vile emails that never got sent!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sounds like you have self control that I lack. She wrote once that I have embarrassed myself by my response to what happened – and I responded that if anyone embarrassed themselves it was her …. pining over a married man. Staying around to make herself available to someone who made it clear she wasn’t wanted. Hurting a wife and children, and trying to ruin a family.

        I don’t know where that superiority comes from because there is nothing superior in what they did. I think it is some kind of coping mechanism to make them feel that they aren’t bad. That what they did wasn’t bad. That they are good – and it comes out as superiority but is really something entirely different.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Yes that is true, but my wow is also for your strength, I mean you really just dove in there and found the answers we all who have been scored want to have. Fortunately I no longer worry about the OWomen, but then again I am long divorced and happy in a new relationship with a great man.

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  8. Rac

    Your letter stuns me. As if I know this woman. And all I want to do is expose her in the light of day. And you Rac go on my list of ‘Hero’s’ and those who stand up, speak out, ask not only for themselves but others, “Be accountable.” Thank you….

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Rac

        No I don’t know your ‘her,’ but the archetype of female. As my husband had a brief affair with a colleague…..they appear to have the same ruthless cold narcissistic sense of entitlement to do what ever they want on the down low.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. Well I think it goes without saying that they didn’t use condoms….how hard is it to say yes? The bullshit about the emails upsetting her health is laughable considering she stayed healthy while fucking another woman’s husband. She doesn’t use abusive language but has no problem with adultery. I would have told her husband pronto……Good thoughts your way.

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