My rose-colored glasses are broken.

Maybe I am rewriting history…fuck their advice…

Maybe it’s because I’m so fucking pissed at my fucking-asshole-husband…

Maybe it’s because she lives inside my fucking head. I cannot get her out. From the moment my eyes open until I close them at night… Sometimes in my fucking dreams..

She’s always fucking there.

I think she’s a sign,.. A symbol in some weird, twisted way… beyond the obvious, that she is the other woman and fucked my husband. In doing so, inadvertently Fucked. my. Life. (I’m truly not casting the brunt of guilt to her. She didn’t cheat on me… My husband did… she just happens to be the fucking married to her third husband, self-righteous bitch-whore that came along at the right time…

When my husband needed his feeble and pathetic  ego stoked… Fuck him. Fuck them both…

But I think that’s why she’s always there… She’s the big “ah-fucking-ha!” sign that I should just. Get out.

Let him go…

Be rid of all the utter bullshit …

I think I want out. If I’d be fucking honest with myself. I’d say “I know I want out”

Not sure I’m ready to be honest with myself yet though…

Mostly because I’m not sure I trust what I feeling, maybe trying to tell myself… that I’m ready to let it go…

I don’t think there’s anything worth repairing or recovering in our marriage. I think letting go and walking away will allow me to salvage so many beautiful memories.

The one’s I haven’t shredded yet…

I think it’sbecoming toxic.

Maybe not..

Maybe it’s just the seething anger I now carry that never reaches the boiling point.

Just hovering and lashing out.

Trying desperately to make sense of my life…

How it got here…

Where the fuck it’s going…

What I’m supposed to fucking do now..

So many years together. Not so fucking rosy. I’ve put up with so much fucking-utter bullshit, it’s mind-boggling. And then to discover an affair. That’s spanned years and thru the course of their life. And I didn’t fucking know? Fuck him, it was Nothing. She was Nothing

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Nothing:

pronoun: 1. not anything; no single thing.

synonyms: not a thing, not anything, nil, zero, naught/nought

antonyms: something  “something of no importance or concern.”

adjective: 1. having no prospect of progress; of no value.

adverb: 1. not at all.
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Darling, you are mistaken. Just so fucking wrong.

It was me that was fucking nothing!!

I truly believe you, when you say you never considered me. What I would say, feel, think, do… if I ever found out about her. I’m finally beginning to accept that you really are so shallow and self-centered, that you don’t give a much of a damn about anybody.

Certainly not me..

So long as a situation suits you.

Only you’ve convinced yourself that you care about and love me.

You’d even convinced me. Until I found out about her…

All I have to do is say the words, “I love you.” As long as I respond when you say that you love me…

I’ve quickly noticed how it hurts your shallow feelings…

how you pout when I don’t day those three little words…

So I do.

That keeps you happy…

Our current situation,..

You’ve told me your happy. Great. Fucking great.

But what is making you happy now? Not a fucking thing is different. Nothing

Except I know about her.

Every-fucking-thing else is the same!! And you have a sex life again. With me.

At least you did… But you seem happy enough to let us drift back into a sexless marriage, that made you unhappy and decide that cheating was ok…

Whatever. Make your selfish passive advances and grope if you must. I’m not going to stoke your fucking ego. You know what I expect from and for our sex life.

So you say your happy…I believe you think you are, and so I can’t and won’t bother debating it with you.

But I think maybe you’re starting to sense something has changed…

Is changing…

Maybe not…

I’m always left guessing.

Wondering…

Because you never say anything. You never ask me anything.

Am I happy?  You likely assume you know the answer, and of course your answer is right. Once you decide there’s no convincing you otherwise..

I don’t even bother anymore.

But.. if you fucking cared enough to even ask..

or listened to what I’d say…

I’d tell you No! I’m not fucking happy.

I’m not even anywhere near what I’d long ago settled for, as happy…

Happiness left fucking years ago…

when I started to see what a shallow, immature, irresponsible, self-centered, selfish, lazy asshole I married… And I sucked up all the fucking utter bullshit for years.

Accepted you for you and the “happy enough” Life we were living in.

I committed to you for life.

Asshole.

But she broke those rose-colored glasses.

Shattered.

you cheated on me.

Cheating on me. Ever. Was a fucking deal breaker. You know how fundamentally disgusting I think and feel and believe cheating is.

It’s one of the very reasons I wanted an open marriage. So you wouldn’t fucking cheat on me!!!!! Everyone around me that’s been of any importance or significance in my life has cheated. My mother, both my grandmothers and grandfathers. Numerous aunts and uncles. Several cousins, My best friend. Our neighbors…

The list of less relevant cheaters we know is long. We both know a bunch. Cheaters so fucking suck!!!

Hell, I was the other women many years ago. I fucking sucked too…

You knew how I felt about cheating. Hours and hours of discussions about infidelity.

It’s sheer destruction.

YOU FUCKING KNEW… How passionately and desperately and intimately I didn’t want that for us. Just couldn’t nor wanted to think about, imagine or hardly fathom infidelity in our marriage.

You know how I feel about monogamy. That I truly believe that we as mammals aren’t wired to be monogomas. We’ve talked about it so many times. You even mostly agree…

You know I don’t believe in, but willingly practice monogamy, for you. Because of your feeling about it and how you struggled.

You just need to understand that made a conscious and verbal promise of my fidelity to you.

I never fucking cheated on you.

You assured me. Promised me. So many fucking times…

That you’d never cheat. But you did. You fucking cheated on me. On us. Asshole.

This is the nothing that YOU did to ME!!!

And here I am… blogging away

because you’ll never understand how you’ve totally destroyed me.

But,

I don’t think I care enough..

anymore…

I think what was once happy enough, Isn’t quite what I wanted to begin with…

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The Elephant in the Room

Cheaters suck.

Discovering my husband’s yet-to-be-defined affair (emotional, physical “just sex,” old friends, ex-lovers…) that has gone on for an undetermined number of years has been the most painful event in my life. I’m sure most betrayed spouses agree.

Before October, I had read very little about infidelity, beyond the mainstream media. It wasn’t something I ever expected to need a better understanding for. Why would I?

Since October, I have scoured the internet. My iPad has become my refuge. It’s one of the very few places that I’ve found support and validation as one who’s been betrayed.  I don’t believe anyone can understand the overwhelming emotional shit-storm that infidelity and betrayal unleash, unless it’s something we’ve  have personally experienced. Only then can you truly identify with it’s madness.

I started my initial reading and searching after Dday on a message board that I never joined.. Just lurked for hours. Then I found personal blogs. I’ve since read hundreds, searching for someone that has affair story similar to mine.   I’ve read blogs of betrayed wives and husbands. I’ve read from the perspective of the cheater and the other woman. I’ve read support blogs of professionals, experienced in infidelity and affair recovery. I have compared my experience with each of your personal experiences that I now follow. So far, mine is different, but only the details and background. We’ve all been handed a scripted affair, and here we are. Sharing our scripts. Here’s more of mine…

I believe that for the majority of married, committed or “exclusive” relationships, homo or heterosexual, that monogamy is a choice. A choice made by cultural, societal and histororical and familial influences.. It’s engrained in our subconscious and so we seek exclusivity with our sexual partners. I don’t believe that we, as Mammals, Homo-Sapiens, are monogamous creatures. There are certainly exceptions, but I really don’t want to write about my theory and belief in this post. I’ll save that for another blog post “Monogamy vs Polyamory!” But stating that gets me to where I need to be in this script…

My husband and I had monogamous marriage by choice. The short story goes like this… He and I met and quickly entered into an exclusive relationship (by exclusive I mean my theory as tated above.) I was 28, had recently  experienced a major crossroad in my life and was ready to settle down and start a family. I really wanted to be married. To this point in my adult life, I had been in an immature and  premature marriage, doomed from the start.  We had both cheated on each other within weeks of getting married… Craziness. Separated in less than 2 years and divorced at 3.5 years. After we separated I moved around frequently  for Military training, the 1st Gulf War, and eventually returned to my home state.  I had an amazing dating life!  My heart was broken a couple of times but I always moved on. Rarely were any of my relationships “exclusive.” They each provided something. Some had more depth and emotional connection. Others were just mind-blowing sex. But for whatever reason, none manifested into the subconscious “exclusive” monogamous husband. Until I met M.

We met (18 years ago this past Monday…) and 8 months later our son, a 10 week preemie was born. We bought a house, suffered a miscarriage, got married and found out were expecting our daughter #1 the following year.  By our first wedding anniversary, I had a toddler and demanding 3 month old. (remember this is the short script…) By our second anniversary I was pregnant with our daughter # 2. Yep… We where living the socially, culturally and historically defined “politically correct” monogamous relationship and the American dream.

I started to question monogamy after 5-6 years of marriage and at about 7 years together, I proposed the idea of open marriage to my husband. After months of reading, research and discussion, we agreed to try an open marriage. In hindsight, I was probably more persuasive than he was in accepting of  the concept. But we tried. I really tried. I really wanted it to work, but M morphed into a giant green eyed-monster.  It got to the point that as much as I wanted the open marriage to work and believed that it could, I had to accept that it wasn’t going to work with M. His jealousy was making us both miserable and me crazy. I decided (and together we agreed) that we needed to return to a monogamous relationship, and  a “closed-marriage.”

He had a really hard time accepting the whole concept. He tried and as miserable as it made him, he was unwilling to quit trying. He’s competitive that way. He was fine with his outside partners, not so much so about mine. He was always suspicious that I was seeking to replace him.  I was unable to make him understand and believe that he was the man who I wanted to be married to and grow old with. That he was my dream come true and my happily ever after.  And he was… I wanted to grow old along with him, raise our family and share our life. I also wanted  for us to be able to enjoy the attention and companionship of other partners. I wanted this for both of us. And it would have essentially eliminate the opportunity for either of us to “cheat” or have an “affair.”

For the past 6 years our marriage has been closed, or so I believed… Now here I am, trying to find someone who has an experience like mine. See my asshole husband could have avoided and spared me this shit storm, mind-fucked, post Dday hell. He could have spared himself whatever shit he’s going thru because he did this to us, because he couldn’t manage an open-marriage and cheating on me seemed like a better option than communicating his wants and needs.

Enter the elephant…

We made a choice, a very conscious and deliberate decision to be exclusive  and monogamous to and with one another. We made that decision together. Not just vows and promises.  We were vested in what we were committing to.

And he had a full-blown-fucking-affair. I don’t think it will ever be less mind-blowing.