I need space to connect the dots

I’ve wondered since I discovered his affair 25 days ago if we needed to physically separate. I think we do. Honestly, I know we do. As the days have passed I find myself loving him less. I watch him go about his daily life as if nothing has happened to us. We are friends, best friends really. And that’s another piece that I haven’t ┬áreally acknowledged. Not only did my husband destroy me, my friend did a number as well.

I feel like I’m outside myself and watching these past weeks unfold. I see myself going about my life and *coping* really well under these circumstances. But see inside myself and how utterly destroyed I am. I don’t get how they don’t see me. My kids know something is up. My 15 yo daughter is really suspicious…

I hate protecting this awful thing that has happened to me…

I hate by protecting the affair I have become a part of it..

And that’s why we need to separate. So I can sort thru all the things that I’m feeling. I need to find some sense in all this. If there is any…

I think deeper down I have serious doubts about the affair being over. I have serious concerns that it is much more established than I know. They’ve been connected since he was in high school. Then connected 3 more times before he got married to his first wife. He denies ever cheating on his first wife. Denies ever connecting with her unit Facebook in 2009 or 2010. He did admit that he has always kept communications with her secret with a few exceptions. I’ve poured over the phone bill history 15 months back and have record of every text. There is one phone call. ONE FUCKING PHONE CALL. Which, get this.. Just happens to be made the morning after I confronted him. A 13 minute phone call that he claims was his “NC” call. He made it the morning after I confronted him, and then admitted that same evening that he was having an affair. He fucking destroyed ME. That’s where MY fucking landslide began.

He gave me a timeline of his affair, a week after I requested it. I also asked for him to really think about what his feelings were/are for her. He still hasn’t given me that answer. But the time line, he started the timeline in 2009. They connected on Facebook. The earliest I found a post from 2012. He was really good at clearing history on his gadgets. I mean really good, especially in hind sight. I just chalked it up as one of his quirks.

He has a work phone and email that I don’t have access to. I’ve seen a dozen or so emails on a limited version of his work email I have access to on his iPad. He has 2 laptops and a desktop, a work phone, a personal iPhone he uses for work and a paging system. I just can’t track it all down.

The irony is that Apple recently released IOS 8. I read an article somewhere about how a bunch of people found out about their partners’ having affairs after updating their phones. Seems there was a glitch in how messages were distributed in iCloud. That’s exactly how I found out! Just so happens that Matt updated his iPad and LKL got an iPhone because she supposedly lost her phone and replaced it with an iPhone. And I very naively opened up Matt’s iPad and saw the text message “I miss you too, baby xoxoxoxo”

He has since admitted that he would have never told me about his affair. The last email she sent him was a link to an article about putting relationships on the back burner. I think that 13 minute phone call set up an already conspired plan to put things on hold and let things smooth over and connect again when thing are clear. I think he and she made a few mistakes and I happened to stumble on them, but truly they have done well to cover their affair so well. I wasn’t supposed to know. I still don’t. This is what I think my gut is trying to tell me.

So, am I being irrational? Am I loosing my fucking mind? I honestly don’t know. But I think separating will at least give me space to try to get a grip. It makes sense to me.