From the NY Times…

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To the Other Woman

Dear L,

This is Ra,but you know who I am, have for a while. I’m M’s wife. We’ve never met so I thought I would introduce myself. I know he’s probably told you a bit about me and our life together. I also suspect he’s lied to you. After all, he’s been lying to me for years now. He started sometime after you and he connected on Facebook in 2009.

I asked him to give me a time line of your affair. I need to know when my marriage became a lie. He’s told me generalities about you and answers questions, although vague. I get it though. He’s ashamed of himself. I hope you know that what you and he “shared” as “abysmal” as it was, still wasn’t real. It’s based on lies, deceit and selfishness. You stoked his fragile ego.

His timeline only provided a reference of your clandestine activities. Again, its vague and he sucks with detail. Always has. It’s probably self-serving now. I struggle with the history that you and my husband share. I knew you were a friend of his sister, and that you fucked in high school. I  had no idea about the multiple “hook-ups” later, in your 20’s, long before I was in his life. In all fairness, I never asked. It wasn’t really important until you and he decided to keep your relationship secret and then fuck. If we were keeping score, you’d have one up on me. I cannot compete with the history that you and he share. Actually, I find it intimidating. I’ll never believe you were “just friends,” that fucked a few times.

So what I know about you.. His timeline has 4 times that he met you at a hotel to fuck; met for coffee or lunch 4-5 times. Yeah, that’s it! That’s all he remembers. I searched our phone bill (only 15 months available) and see all the texts. I searched his email (work) and found a dozen or so emails (all trashed or archived, so I can’t see what the body of the email says.) that’s really about all I have.

He told me your married to your 3rd husband and have 4 kid, all girls. I know where you work and I know your husband’s name. I saw your FB page, what little there is to see.

Oh, there’s that one , ONE single phone call from his iPhone to yours. One 13 minute phone call that he claims he told you it was over because I found out. One single fucking phone call in all the time you two have been screwing; Only responsible for yourselves, not giving a shit about your husband or me. One fucking phone call. He insists that is the only time he ever spoke to you on the phone. I hope you can see my skepticism.

He’s told me that it was “just sex,” good sex even. He told me that it was for professional gain. That statement makes me laugh now because of its obscurity. He has his master’s degree. Your title may be CEO of that little rural healthcare center, but lets call a spade a spade. You are a glorified office manager. (He doesn’t even know if you got your GED, but recalls that maybe you dropped out of high school.) When I ask him, “why?” his most ridiculous responses include,  “because I could,” or “I don’t know” or “I  didn’t think you’d care.” He claims he has no feelings for you. I saw messages that said  “I think I like you pretty lady” and  “I miss you too, baby.”   He claims that were just words. I will never know the truth. But the pen is mighty.

He used to call me pretty lady and baby too. I’ve told him to stop. It used to be endearing. Now it makes my skin crawl.

I was naive and foolish. He hid it well. I was blindsided. I never saw the affair coming. Even in hindsight, there are very few signs. They were there, but I didn’t notice them. I didn’t realize there was anything to be concerned about. He told me he’d never cheat. I had no reason to doubt him. I believed him. I trusted him. He lied to me.

You don’t know me or about our life together. Whatever he told you about me and us, is probably a lie. Our marriage wasn’t perfect, but it was based on love, mutual understanding and truth,  Although clearly not enough. You and he carelessly and effortlessly destroyed it. We’re still married, but it will never be the same. Honestly, nothing will. Nothing will ever be the way it was. It can’t. Together you and he destroyed it.

I need nothing from you. Nothing. I wish you didn’t exist. That you would just vanish. Disappear. The last email you sent him (that I saw) was the day he called you to end contact. It was an article about putting relationships on the back burner. I wonder what you’re intent was. M says he doesn’t know, that you never talked of a future. I don’t know. I have a hard time believing him. There’s so many lies and so much time. I know so little. I have serious doubts. I’ll never feel the ease and comfort  he was able to provide before destroying me. I will never know the truth or the all details. It doesn’t matter in the end. What I do know is that your very existence feels threatening to me. It always will.

Continue living your mere pitiful life hiding behind the lies you’ve told your husband. Wallow in your deceptive memories of my husband, but know that it was not real. He lied to you too.

I am moving forward. I don’t know what direction it’s going to take me, but for now it includes my husband. It doesn’t include you. You will never be welcomed again.

You never were. And you can’t be friends.