I’ve retreated from the world. I’ve been contemplating it for a while. The urge to run has been consuming me.
Part of what has kept me from “running” was that my mother left me (father and brother) when I was 14.
I remember the day vividly, like video playing out in my mind.. It was a sunny warm afternoon. My brother and I were “arguing” about him resetting the Atari game, again! (dating myself?) My mom walked in the door from work and up the stairs, we lived in a split level. Yelled for us to stop. She then called my dad, from the wall phone, and said, “I’m leaving, I cannot take the kids fighting anymore.” I don’t recall her packing anything… Or her saying “good-bye” or I love you.” What I vividly remember is she walked out the door and drove away. She left us. We didn’t see her for nearly 6 months. She had happily moved on with Al, whom she’d been having an affair with. My parents divorced that year.
To say that left a mark, in light of my present life such the mess that it is, would be an understatement.
Truly, I know, understand and accept that my mother left my father. But the words were spoken and I heard them. Those words forever scarred me. But it is just a scar.
So the urge to run, led to guilt and shame as that’s “what my mother” did to me. (I know this is now Betrayal Trauma.
The intensity and frequency and urgency was unrelenting.. And then a series of events, that just seemed to weigh me down. Nothing I would normally be able to manage…
The ongoing household obligations, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, trash and recycling, etc, etc… All so daunting.
My husbands new, demanding job that takes him from the home for 10-11 hours a day. And I’m still adjusting to the tailspin that put me in. I’m trying to be realistic about all the new devises, and mail, and phone. All the new people, that I cannot keep straight. That he’s geographically closer to her, OW, and her husband (who doesn’t know) works right around the corner from my husbands new office.. I’m trembling as I type this… I know in my mind that this job was the best thing for him, for us. But this new betrayed mind of mine, struggles to process it still. It doesn’t feel safe.
The pets; a dog, 4 cats (and cats can totally suck sometimes) and a Guinea pig (mostly cared by my 14 yo daughter and rightful owner.) but still the butt-load of responsibility is bestowed upon me.
The kids and coordinating all their schedules; 2 work, dance, lacrosse, social activities, friends, a girlfriend, and a boyfriend (both relationships over a year now😳,) school functions and activities…and I’m by no means a hover-parent.
Trying to put on a graduation party for my son… 6 months ago I was excited. Now it seems overwhelming
My full-time job… Easy really for RN. I do triage call 4 nights a week Sun-Wed, 5p-8a. I work from home. Occasionally a call will require me to make a visit. But essentially my work goes along with the daily functions of our household. I just answer a phone. But I’m terribly unhappy with it. It’s not fulfilling in any professional manner. (My previous job was in a level 1 Trauma room. Drastic change!!!!) I’ve forgotten to pass on messages and even slept thru my phone one night a few months back. So as Simple, as my job is, I’ve found ways to muck it up. My professional license is due to expire in May. I jokingly said a few weeks ago that “maybe I’ll let it expire.” I’ve actually been considering it…
There is a big postcard that says “your license is due to expire” posted on my freezer door, eye level. I’m reminded multiple timed a day.
Very Recently a young man, DJ, went missing from a party. He’s still not been found. I knew him, I know the parent. I know his younger brother and sister who are friends with my kids. It’s believed he fell into a river. His body has still not been recovered. My heart is heavy for this family and the loss to our community.
Then the last few straws.. My son lied to me, after already being caught. Still said, “Nope, wasn’t me.” 😏 Ok, kids lie to us… It really pissed me off. It was suck a dumb thing to lie about… Moving on…
Scrolling thru FB for my social media and getting my news fix (did I ever tell you I’m a news junkie?) Monday morning. Drinking my coffee, minding my business and there’s OW’s husband on the front page of the local paper. I’m pretty sure the biggest paper in the state.
I had a physical reaction to his picture.. Like my heart was racing and I was dizzy and light-headed.. Awful few minutes. I read thru the article. Had my own harsh and judgemental opinion of its topic, stream thru my mind. Then I tagged my husband in it.
i really hoped to get a reaction or a response from him after he read it, which he did, in front of me soon after getting home from work that evening. His only comment was an exaggerated “Wow.” He then commented something about the size of the bonus OW’s bonus was. I will only equate it to well-over a quarter-million dollars.
So my mind had already blown thru my email correspondence with her.. She told me she had so much more than me to lose if her husband ever found out about the affair.
(… I’d say she did… Lots and lots of money!)
And I’m the only one in this mess, out of the 4 involved that is carrying this vile indiscretion. My husbands mistake. Her need for something “just for her.”
My husband had no awareness what so ever of my reaction and feelings upon seeing that article. Ok, in fairness I didn’t tell him either, but he didn’t even ask just an exaggerated “wow.”
I’ve been waiting for a reaction from him since dday. There’s been a few angry outbursts between us, maybe 4-5. None in close to a year. He wiped his hands of the affair discussions last September. It came down to “its just going to take time to heal,” he didn’t think he could really help me. (And he hasn’t.) that the affair was a mistake, just that. The he was a good person and liked himself. He didn’t see any need for change.
And so time has passed. And I’ve been waiting to heal, and trying to heal, and honestly am doing ok when I need to, but over all I’ve done a reallllly crapppy job of just getting by overall. I’ve done a poor job of taking care of myself until more recently, but even that’s been only marginal.
So Tuesday morning I started a video course on betrayal trauma. I was a puddle of tears thru out, a sobbing mess by the time I stopped. I was a case study in what I’d learned to that point. I decided then to commit to the course.
I stopped watching because I needed to get ready for a meeting with my supervisor. My annual review. My eyes were quite puffy and nose red and shiny, sinuses congested.., it was going to take a while. I was a mess.
Instead I called and asked to speak to her out of earshot, so that she could speak freely. I explained what I was experiencing., the grief, betrayal, anxiety and requested the remainder of the week off. She was awesome and so understanding and supportive. Provided me with a few resources.
I called My husband and go his voicemail. Again. Simply left a message asking him to call me when he got the message.
I’d decided that I was going away. Packed up things I needed and wanted. Comfy cloths, necessities, comforting healthy foods, electronics etc…
He called as I was ready to pack up the car. I told him I’d called out of work for the remainder of the week. And I was headed to the cabin. I told him I wasn’t happy and I hate the way I’m feeling and that I need to take care of me, with out the chaos of anything.
And that’s what I did.