December 1st…

I need someone to tell me there’s something better. This 8 weeks since Dday has been hell. If it isn’t, I can’t imagine how much worse Hell could be.

I feel like I’m setting myself up to watch a slow motion picture show of what the next year of my life will be like, looking back each day. The betrayal and lies started months before but it was a “long lunch” last December, with conversations around consequences of me and LKL’s husband finding out, and her “needing something just for her” and my husband’s chance at having a “friend with benefits” because that’s why he kept his friendly coffees and lunches over the years secret… In case he got the chance to have sex with her again… This actually makes sense to me in this after affair hell and knowing my husband. ¬†Last December is when the frequency of texts starter and a few suggestive and provocative emails were exchanged.

My husband and I went for a long ride yesterday. I think he’s starting to get how deeply he’s hurt me. I think there’s a reason I heard this song while were being quiet and just were listening to the radio. I cried and told him how truly broken my heart is. Taylor Swift started it with “Back to December.”¬†”

i feel compelled to go back thru the phone bill and chart out how many texts were sent each day, and the times. what dates the emails were exchanged. The lunch and coffee dates. The hotel dates when he “worked late.” These are the puzzle pieces I can put together and maybe see a fuller picture in a year. That’s what I hope to gain.. A mostly completed puzzle.