December 1st…

I need someone to tell me there’s something better. This 8 weeks since Dday has been hell. If it isn’t, I can’t imagine how much worse Hell could be.

I feel like I’m setting myself up to watch a slow motion picture show of what the next year of my life will be like, looking back each day. The betrayal and lies started months before but it was a “long lunch” last December, with conversations around consequences of me and LKL’s husband finding out, and her “needing something just for her” and my husband’s chance at having a “friend with benefits” because that’s why he kept his friendly coffees and lunches over the years secret… In case he got the chance to have sex with her again… This actually makes sense to me in this after affair hell and knowing my husband.  Last December is when the frequency of texts starter and a few suggestive and provocative emails were exchanged.

My husband and I went for a long ride yesterday. I think he’s starting to get how deeply he’s hurt me. I think there’s a reason I heard this song while were being quiet and just were listening to the radio. I cried and told him how truly broken my heart is. Taylor Swift started it with “Back to December.” 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QUwxKWT6m7U.”

i feel compelled to go back thru the phone bill and chart out how many texts were sent each day, and the times. what dates the emails were exchanged. The lunch and coffee dates. The hotel dates when he “worked late.” These are the puzzle pieces I can put together and maybe see a fuller picture in a year. That’s what I hope to gain.. A mostly completed puzzle.

One Month Anniversary of Dday

…and if you’ve read thru my blog, you know how I feel about them. Anniversaries suck.

Today is the one month anniversary of Dday. In fact it was just about this time, as I write this, that I was confronting my husband with. I had spent the day searching for evidence that he was having an affair, I searched his email, iPad, Facebook, iMessages and our phone bill. All the electronic data proved that he was having a full-blown emotional and sexual affair and had been for some time. I was unaware just how long. I’m still not confident, but have settled on at least 2 years. It’s open for reevaluation if he ever gives me the truth. Since Dday, I’ve questioned and reevaluated everything in my life. I have started to trust myself and what I’m thinking and feeling.

I’ve  cried a million tears. There’s an endless supply always waiting for the next trigger. There are to many fucking triggers. I have so many doubts and question everything my husband has told me. I don’t believe most of it. He’s still lying, omitting and downplaying. I still have so many questions. Some of them, I’m afraid to ask. Some of them, I don’t want the answer to.

I’m trying to believe the affair is over. I have seen no evidence of any communication via text or email. But I have limited access to his devices. I don’t have the energy or tenacity to search every day, but I Now have an app on my iPad to check the cell phone bill. I want to believe it’s over, but I have my doubts. I’ve asked if she’s contacted him, and he tries to assure me she hasn’t and won’t.

I’ve lost about 15 pound. I’m so tired. Exhausted.  I fall asleep but awake easily. Slumber is often interrupted, sometimes for hours. When I sleep at night, I have strange dreams. A few nights ago I dreamt about bagels. This is what I found when I searched for its meaning:

          “Bagel – To see or eat a bagel in your dream suggests that there is key element missing from your 

          life. You are not completely whole. Alternatively, it refers to sexual urges.”  (I know, right?!?!)

There are many key elements missing and I’m no longer whole. I’m broken. He destroyed me and I haven’t found all of my pieces. My husband and I have had more sex in the last month than we have in the previous 2 years. I now know what hysterical bonding is. In fact I’ve learned a whole new lingo in this betrayed wives club. I know what OW, BS and WS mean. Cheaters sucks.

I’ve thought of dozens of ways to seek revenge on LKL. But I won’t. I’m not vindictive. I wish she was gone, never existed. Vanished. I don’t hate her, but I hate what she and my husband have done to me. I did not deserve this. None of us do. We still don’t.

I’ve reevaluated my 16 year marriage. I know it wasn’t perfect, but I was at a comfortable place and believed that my husband was too. I knew something was going on, for years but that he’s nearing 50 and self reflecting. I’d ask him, but he always assured me he was fine. I had no reason to suspect an affair. I am a naive fool. We’ve talked about our feelings that lead up to the affair. I’ve learned that we were in two very different places. I still never considered he’d have an affair. He told me years ago, he’d never cheat on me. I believed him. I trusted him. He lied.

I don’t know what is going to happen or what will become of our marriage. We both know that what he did is a deal breaker. I’m really not sure I can do it. He isn’t who I thought he was and has been lying to me for years, but I do love him. He’s the father of my 3 beautiful children. He knows all my habits and has seen me at my worst. He’s the best lover I’ve ever had. He knows all of me that I’ve allowed him to know and has stayed with me anyways. I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore and he knows this. The pain is still so raw and visceral. I still reel at the magnitude of what he has done.

I easily anger at his lack of remorse. I don’t get it. I’ve read many articles and post about this subject and know that it’s still early recovery and he may not show it for a while yet. I’ve told him numerous times, “You don’t get what you’ve done.” He agrees. I’ve asked him, “Why?”,  almost every day. He’s responded with “I don’t know,” “because I could,” “it was just selfish,” and “I didn’t think you’d care.” All those answers suck. There is no good answer. Maybe someday I’ll stop asking.

He tells me he loves me. Sometimes I hate hearing it. I don’t always believe it. I struggle with how someone who love me could be so deceitful. I don’t think he knows that he’s destroyed me. I will never be the same. Our marriage will never be the same. He has to change from the man he’s become over the past few years! Because I don’t know this Man.

Right now I’m taking each day and the struggles they present and managing one day at a time. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but that ok. I’m ok with that. Right now I know I’m right where I should be.