MIA

I’ve retreated from the world. I’ve been contemplating it for a while. The urge to run has been consuming me.

Part of what has kept me from “running” was that my mother left me (father and brother) when I was 14.

I remember the day vividly, like video playing out in my mind.. It was a sunny warm afternoon. My brother and I were “arguing” about him resetting the Atari game, again!  (dating myself?) My mom walked in the door from work and up the stairs, we lived in a split level. Yelled for us to stop. She then called my dad, from the wall phone, and said, “I’m leaving, I cannot take the kids fighting anymore.”  I don’t recall her packing anything… Or her saying “good-bye” or I love you.” What I vividly remember is she walked out the door and drove away. She left us. We didn’t see her for nearly 6 months. She had happily moved on with Al, whom she’d been having an affair with. My parents divorced that year.

To say that left a mark, in light of my present life such the mess that it is, would be an understatement.

Truly, I know, understand and accept that my mother left my father. But the words were spoken and I heard them. Those words forever scarred me. But it is just a scar.

So the urge to run, led to guilt and shame  as that’s “what my mother” did to me. (I know this is now Betrayal Trauma.

The intensity and frequency and urgency was unrelenting.. And then a series of events, that just seemed to weigh me down. Nothing I would normally be able to manage…

The ongoing household obligations, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, trash and recycling, etc, etc… All so daunting.

My husbands new, demanding job that takes him from the home for 10-11 hours a day. And I’m still adjusting to the tailspin that put me in. I’m trying to be realistic about all the new devises, and  mail, and phone. All the new people, that I cannot keep straight.  That he’s geographically closer to her, OW, and  her husband (who doesn’t know) works right around the corner from my husbands new office.. I’m trembling as I type this… I know in my mind that this job was the best thing for him, for us. But this new betrayed mind of mine, struggles to process it still. It doesn’t feel safe.

The pets; a dog, 4 cats (and cats can totally suck sometimes) and a Guinea pig (mostly cared by my 14 yo daughter and rightful owner.) but still the butt-load of responsibility  is bestowed upon me.

The kids and coordinating all their schedules; 2 work, dance, lacrosse, social activities, friends, a girlfriend, and a boyfriend (both relationships over a year now😳,)  school functions and activities…and I’m by no means a hover-parent.

Trying to put on a graduation party for my son… 6 months ago I was excited. Now it seems overwhelming

My full-time job… Easy really for RN. I do triage call 4 nights a week Sun-Wed, 5p-8a. I work from home. Occasionally a call will require me to make a visit. But essentially my work goes along with the daily functions of our household. I just answer a phone. But I’m terribly unhappy with it. It’s not fulfilling in any professional manner. (My previous job was in a level 1 Trauma room. Drastic change!!!!) I’ve forgotten to pass on messages and even slept thru my phone one night a few months back. So as Simple, as my job is, I’ve found ways to muck it up. My professional license is due to expire in May. I jokingly said a few weeks ago that “maybe I’ll let it expire.” I’ve actually been considering it…

There is a big postcard that says “your license is due to expire” posted on my freezer door, eye level. I’m reminded multiple timed a day.

Very Recently a young man, DJ, went missing from a party. He’s still not been found. I knew him, I know the parent. I know his younger brother and sister who are friends with my kids. It’s believed he fell into a river. His body has still not been recovered. My heart is heavy for this family and the loss to our community.

Then the last few straws.. My son lied to me, after already being caught. Still said, “Nope, wasn’t me.” 😏 Ok, kids lie to us… It really pissed me off. It was suck a dumb thing to lie about… Moving on…

Scrolling thru FB for my social media and getting my news fix (did I ever tell you I’m a news junkie?) Monday morning. Drinking my coffee, minding my business and there’s OW’s husband on the front page of the local paper. I’m  pretty sure the biggest paper in the state.

I had a physical reaction to his picture.. Like my heart was racing and I was dizzy and light-headed.. Awful few minutes. I read thru the article. Had my own harsh and judgemental opinion of its topic, stream thru my mind. Then I tagged my husband in it.

i really hoped to get a reaction or a response from him after he read it, which he did, in front of me soon after getting home from work that evening. His only comment was an exaggerated “Wow.” He then commented something about the size of the bonus OW’s bonus was. I will only equate it to well-over a quarter-million dollars.

So my mind had already blown thru my email correspondence with her.. She told me she had so much more than me to lose  if her husband ever found out about the affair.

(… I’d say she did… Lots and lots of money!)

And I’m the only one in this mess, out of the 4 involved that is carrying this vile indiscretion. My husbands mistake. Her need for something “just for her.”

My husband had no awareness what so ever of my reaction and feelings upon seeing that article. Ok, in fairness I didn’t tell him either, but he didn’t even ask just an exaggerated “wow.”

I’ve been waiting for a reaction from him since dday. There’s been a few angry outbursts between us, maybe 4-5. None in close to a year. He wiped his hands of the affair discussions last September. It came down to “its just going to take time to heal,” he didn’t think he could really help me. (And he hasn’t.) that the affair was a mistake, just that. The he was a good person and liked himself. He didn’t see any need for change.

And so time has passed. And I’ve been waiting to heal, and trying to heal, and honestly am doing ok when I need to, but over all I’ve done a reallllly crapppy job of just getting by overall. I’ve done a poor job of taking care of myself until more recently, but even that’s been only marginal.

So Tuesday morning I started a video course on betrayal trauma. I was a puddle of tears thru out, a sobbing mess by the time I stopped. I was a case study in what I’d learned to that point. I decided then to commit to the course.

I stopped watching because I needed to get ready for a meeting with my supervisor. My annual review. My eyes were quite puffy and nose red and shiny, sinuses congested.., it was going to take a while. I was a mess.

Instead I called and asked to speak to her out of earshot, so that she could speak freely. I explained what I was experiencing., the grief, betrayal, anxiety and requested the remainder of the week off. She was awesome and so understanding and supportive. Provided me with a few resources.

I called My husband and go his voicemail. Again. Simply left a message asking him to call me when he got the message.

I’d decided that I was going away. Packed up things I needed and wanted. Comfy cloths, necessities, comforting healthy foods, electronics etc…

He called as I was ready to pack up the car. I told him I’d called out of work for the remainder  of the week. And I was headed to the cabin. I told him I wasn’t happy and I hate the way I’m feeling and that I need to take care of me, with out the chaos of anything.

And that’s what I did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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17 thoughts on “MIA

    1. I’m still away and have arrangements to be away until a week for Sunday.

      It is helping. I’m separated from all the chaos at home. I’ve giving up feeling guilty about “leaving them” I know they wil make do with out me.. Perhaps not o my liking or standard, but I’m okay with that.

      This is about me, and a making an action plan for my recovery.

      From what I recall of your story with cousinfucker, you might be interested in the resource I found. It’s pretty amazing.

      I’d be happy to share it with you, but don’t know that I can do that here? Anyways, here goes. Check out bloom for women. If you do join (and it’s free for 15 days) let me. Support thru this chaos is crucial!

      Amazing stuff on trauma betrayal.

      Mia part 2 coming soon.. This is the next part of my journey and writing is part of it ❤️. I have no responsibilities to anyone but myself right now. My peeps at home are gonna be ok without me.

      Life is peaceful at this very moment.

      I haven’t felt true peace in months.

      ❤️ rac

      Liked by 2 people

  1. MIA 1 is a good but not effective if you are looking at a long term recovery. I am still for marriage counselling. If your husband really wants to help you to recover, he has to be transparent and be in longterm recovery with you all the way.

    I don’t know if the OW is still in touch with your husband when the OW’s husband and your husband’s offices are so close.

    And I assume that it is not OW’s first marriage. So I feel that the OW’s husband should know and the OW is older and mature and has sufficient IQ to know once the affair is exposed, she has to lose a lot. that is her price to pay. Yet she goes on the affair. I don’t buy her story whatever. My point is that why do you the innocent party shoulder the pain?

    You should tell your husband that you are not out for work but self-recovery. Let him know the pain you are undergoing.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s been almost 18 months since DDay. My husband isn’t helping me to heal. He has and has moved and assumed his previous happy life.

      He’s trying to be transparent. But he’s not doing well at it. I don’t believe there’s been any contact between them. But I guess I wouldnt bet much on it…

      My husband didn’t realize the OW’s husband’s office was around the corner from his my husband started a new job last fall. Apparently husband never knew OW’s H’s office was in that town.

      It’s not OW’s 1st, it’s her 3rd.

      She didn’t want her husband to know. My husband assured her that I wouldn’t tell him (I saw this in texts they exchanged just after DDay and before NC.)

      I’m still not convinced that I won’t tell her husband someday. But most often I seems pointless to me now. Like revenge. But who knows? I hate that I’m part of their secret though. Fucking hate it.

      But here and now, me being alone. It’s blissful. Ok, not blissful. But how about this.. It’s peaceful and calm. All I am responsible for is me.

      And I am taking care of me.. I’m working in my recovery plan and establishing boundaries and finding a “safe place” (I am not in danger of physical harm.. Never have been)

      But truly if he plunged a dagger into my heart, I’m pretty sure it would an easier wound to heal from💔.

      I have a list of things I’ve accomplished, a completed coarse and a few others started. I’ve made big strides this week. I feel like I at least have a plan to move forward… Still have the work.., but with a good plan it should at least be easier.

      My husband is clueless to the pain I am going thru. He has it in his mind that he understands and can relate and so that is it… Time will heal me😏 But he can sit back and watch as I actively peruse my path in healing.

      🌺Rac

      And for what it’s worth, I don’t buy her story either.. Very little of it anyways… Her husband just took a very large pay raise and crazy annual bonus that are handed out to those in already grossly high paid executive positions… She had lots and lots of money and a lifestyle to loose. I don think she gives a damn about her husband beyond what he offers.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Thru this betrayal trauma coarse I’ve learned that all the little everyday things that we all deal with… When in betrayal traumas, seem overwhelming and insurmountable. And they did to me…

      My youngest got a note home that she needs glasses.. You know from the yearly school vision screening? Well, anyways, I just cannot get myself to call and get her an appointment. Sounds crazy even as I write this, but I swear. It’s almost like a mental paralysis…

      Everything seems overwhelming, almost all the time.

      So here.. I am experiencing a calmness and finding peace that I haven’t felt since DDay.

      Lots of tears and anger etc… But for me, my healing. I thinks I’m doing okay.🙂

      ❤️Rac

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sometimes doing those little annoying things and getting through them can give you a small sense of accomplishment when you are feeling that low. But really, I think your decision to just get a way for a bit is the best one. I really hope you feel better, you don’t deserve to feel this way ❤️

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Note a single fucking one of us betrayed spouses deserve to feel THIS.

    It’s sunny and near 50 here I’m going to venture into town, about 10 miles away and pick up a few things I need.

    Tap water sucks here😂 I’m going to take my camera, one of my long abandoned hobbies and see what I can find for scenery. Put on my boots and hike a bit even!

    Thank you for responding ❤️ It ever amazes me how supportive of one another we are and how supported by each of you I feel. There is comfort and healing in having our feelings validated. Comparison and empathy are truly profound healing methods.

    This is nurturing. One of the necessities to healing from betrayal trauma.
    The course is at BLoom for women. Free for 15 days, then a monthly fee of 10 or 15 dollars.. Such an amazing class.

    Like

  3. I’m so sorry you feel this way and I can partially relate to the running away. It’s really hard to be a mom. Some days it’s just hard to “be”. Getting away will do your soul good and help hit the reset button

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I can relate to your feelings of wanting to run away. I haven’t done it. Probably too much of a coward to do it, not to mention that I lack the energy it would take, since I too, find even some of the smallest tasks overwhelming. I live by the mantra “just give it one more day”…somehow that has carried me through 13 months post D-Day. I hope your time away strengthens you and brings you confidence, contentment, and peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Castle – Sometimes its “just give it one more minute.” I have episodes of not being able to get out of the car even. I will find myself simply frozen and in absolute despair. How we get through all of this is beyond me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve walked out of stores with carts half full, I’ve been handed a box of tissues in a gift shop, I’ve driven around for hours not going anywhere. Sometimes it is minute by minute.

        Have you looked into bloom for women?

        Like

      2. I once found myself staring at shampoo for what must have been several minutes. The other shoppers at Target must have thought I was nuts!
        I have not looked into Bloom for Women but I plan to. Hope your retreat brings you lasting peace. It sounds wonderful.

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I don’t think coward should ever enter our vocabulary anymore, at least not when referring to self. This post affair crooked journey is NOT for cowards. Some days it takes courage to get out of bed. In light of what we’ve been thru, that is brave.

      Have you checked out bloom for women? It’s my “Ah ha” moment. It has made me believe that I am NOT loosing my mind. What I am experiencing is betrayal trauma.

      I suspect you ❤️ And most betrayed spouses are experiencing the same thing.

      This week, these last 4 days have been the most peaceful I have felt since DDay, truly. Nobody is requesting anything from me… I didn’t speak to anybody until yesterday.. My dad and step mom because, well they know I’m here and are worried, but mostly because they are headed off on a cruise for a week, the left today.

      Then I talked to my SIL, to let her know that I will not be attending Easter dinner tomorrow, but the kids and my husband will. I apologized, as I was supposed to provide the potatoes and a fruit salad. Off my shoulders!

      Then I talked to my husband, and I’m still mostly processing that. I really wish I had it recorded! But I asked one simple thing from him and to text me when he accomplished it, and as of yet, he hasn’t.

      That was the only time we talked since I left.. 4-5 texts but otherwise, he’s leaving me alone.

      I have been living moment to moment and sometimes minute by minute for nearly 18 months. This last 4 days have been exactly what I needed.

      I could host a retreat🙂

      You should make a way for you to get away for a few days. It really is nurturing.

      ❤️

      Like

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