What I know now

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It’s been 15.5 months since I found out about my husband’s affair.

Not a single day has been easy. Not even one.

This is the single most difficult and overwhelming experience I’ve ever gone thru. Without exception.

Staying is hard. Every single day.

I’m not the same person anymore. So much of who I am is still lost in the chatic aftermath of betray.

I can’t find my way out.

I question and doubt everything.

This is not the life I wanted to live.

I can’t “forget it.”

Something has to change.

But, I’m still not ready….

 

 

 

 

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27 thoughts on “What I know now

  1. I hated it when people told me to “get over it” or “forget it.” Unless you are a monster like the betrayers….you can’t forget it. If you’re questioning or doubting everything, that means something is wrong…and you can’t heal as long as you feel that way.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. I completely started over. I got a new job, divorced him, we don’t talk at all, I started dating & met a new man. This worked for me, not everyone, I started running, changed my diet, lost my best friend & focused on my kids, which gave me purpose. It helps hr is going to prison for stealing for his girlfriend, because it feels like karma took care of him for me.

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Just want to wake up and know it was all a bad dream. So get it. Nothing is the same in my life…but I am seeing some light now; new colors shaded by experiences and realities that just are even though I wish they weren’t. Sometimes they surprise me…I hope that for you too. HUGS.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I hate that you’re hurting so deeply. Infidelity does steal so much of who we are as person. It’s so hard to walk through like when you don’t even feel like yourself. I hope you can come out of this enough to rediscover the new you and I hope you find that do much of who you were is still there- we can never be who we used to be. That person no longer exists but that doesn’t mean a wiser, stronger woman can’t rise from those ashes. We are rooting for you because we know you’re worth fighting for- you need to realize that too. You can’t allow your husbands deficets define who you are. It’s so so hard- but do a little bit for yourself everyday to regain yourself back. It’s do up and down. And it’s okay to be down as long as you remember that you’re worth gett back up!!

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  4. It just sucks. I literally counted back to 15.5 months from d-day for me, then I went to my posts of that time… April 2015, and these are my posts back then. ‘I am the wife’ where I am pissed off that some whore somewhere would insinuate they were more important than we were in our husband’s life. ‘Couple’s therapy’ where I get blasted by yet another of my husband’s pity parties and crap from the therapist. ‘I could be happy anywhere’ where I contemplate the fact that if I leave, I could literally be happy anywhere I live, but leaving feels like running away??? WTF? And then the next post I contemplate leaving, again, because I feel like my husband isn’t taking his recovery seriously. And on and on and on. *sigh* I understand your feelings so well.

    One day at a time. I eventually, somehow, some way, got to a better place, at least for today. I hope you can get to that better place, however it happens. Hugs, Rac. ❤

    Liked by 4 people

  5. RAC, I hear you. I feel what you say.
    18 months now. Still the same…. a daily struggle. I push things out of my head – sometimes successfully – but the pushing away makes the eventual crash a harder one….
    We just have to feel it I think.
    I don’t know.
    I don’t know if it will ever go away.
    *sigh*
    I don’t know if there will be an easy day where the thought doesn’t pop into my head.
    And not just about my husband – HER as well.
    I don’t want her in my head.
    I don’t want this in my head.
    Then I think I should be stronger … if I was stronger it wouldn’t hurt as much.. I would be able to let it go.
    But I am strong. And this just wasn’t fair.
    But life isn’t fair?
    Ah shit…. a ramble again …
    Love to you and hope for your struggles x

    Liked by 1 person

  6. As a betrayed wife, I can relate to your agony and my heart hurts for you. You said “something has to change.” What is the “something” for you that needs to change? Also, I hope you will follow my blog at hopecounselingandcoaching.org. I am documenting my own experiences and hope that we are able to learn from each other. This experience is too painful to walk through alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I totally understand! My husband tries hard– he does everything he can think of to help me– but it’s still in my head. It’s been 10 months for me since D-Day and I’m weary of carrying all of this. Yet, he’s still my best friend. He still makes me laugh and holds me tight, and is trying his damnedest to fix things… so I’m at a loss at what to do. I totally get where you’re coming from.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Is such a weary place.. My mind is constantly on go… Trying to find the thing that is that ah ha moment.. When I’ll know exactly what to do and when.. ❤️ so sorry you are here for these reasons.. Its such an exhausting chaotic mess, so incredibly destructive and intrusive into everything..and it’s lonely sometimes.. That’s why I find myself here.. There are others that know how much this hurts ..

      Hugs ❤️

      Like

  8. I am way earlier in this mess than you and some of the other ladies are (1 or 4 months in, depending on where we start to count), and our issues are also somewhat different (sex addiction vs affair) but the pain we are experiencing I imagine is stemming from the same place. It is absolutely disheartening to hear that it does not get better, and not only are we changed forever, if we stay in the relationship the only thing we can hope for is that we somehow jade into this and numb ourselves accepting a state of unhappiness.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I meant this more supportive and less bitter, but after re-reading I’m realising it sounds the other way around 🙂 Sorry. I’m so very sad to find so many wonderful women out there suffering from the immense pain of having been betrayed by men they trusted the most and gave their best years to.

    Liked by 1 person

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