A Random Act of “I am Sorry”

I received the following response in an email notification this morning. Truly, with exception of the “minor details” of this affair and this Affair partner, I could hear it coming from my husband’s AP as I read it…

It crushed me…

Here it is…. (I will protect her identity)

I am not going to begin to say I understand or know what it is like to be the wife who finds out her husband is a cheater in all of this. Nor, do I begin to say that what I went through is justification for the OW’s behavior in this.

But I am other woman. And I echo a lot of other people’s experiences, when I say I never thought I would be that person. I even directly asked the person who I had the affair with if he was single before we ever met. And each time he answered no.

Even after I put two-and-two together, I still played the part for another couple of months, and meeting him recently on a business trip. I have no justification other than I had developed feelings for him, and that I loved him. The lonely part of me wanted to be the exception, rather than the norm.

And to anyone who has been the victim in this, please know that it is not easy to live as the OW. I do not sleep, I have lost appetite, and I have tearfully pleaded, begged, and sobbed asking him to do the right thing and confess to his wife. To be a better husband and father, and to either seek counseling to fix the marriage or do the right thing and walk away.

The truth is the cheater, while not always a bad person, is selfish. He started this affair because he was bored in his married life, and wanted the adventure of a new love. I am almost 35 years old, and I have given up on love. I told him he was so blessed and lucky to have a wife and kids. That he had no right to throw that away.

But I am also no better than him, because I didn’t run away. I continued the secrets despite the pain. I did it for no other reason than I loved him, and couldn’t bear to know a life without him. But in the end, I still ended it. The sleepless nights, the guilt, the jealousy, and the hurt. See being the OW means you will always be the last choice and that you have to be content with everything being on his timeline. You can only call, text, e-mail when it works for him. You lay awake at night feeling suffocated by the loneliness, while knowing he can turn around and wrap his arms around the woman he put a ring on it.

He says is not happy. But lacks the courage to make changes to find happiness. Why stay in a marriage if you are not happy? He says it was for the kids, but what is worse: having children be raised with a lie that destroys families or know that their parents loved each other but couldn’t make it work? I cannot answer that because I don’t know.

I am single. I have no one. I am alone and unsupported. And I am dying inside. From the guilt, from the pain, and from feeling like I am always the loser. Please know that not every person who becomes the OW is okay with the title of OW. That some of us have consciences and integrity. That it destroys us as much as you. He selfishly threw his marriage away and wants to keep it hidden, but he also selfishly wanted me to suffer in silence.

I wanted to find love. To feel beautiful and wanted again. He said all the right things. He kept saying “stop over thinking things”, and to have “faith”. All the while knowing he lied to me too, he could never love me the way I deserved.

I am sorry that your husband has refused to hold himself accountable. But as the OW, you deserve better than a spouse who will not acknowledge the pain he has caused, nor work on improving the relationship. You can stop a sinking ship, if not everyone is willing to help bail.

Again, I am sorry to you and any spouse who sits in this position. Please know that affairs hurt the OP as much as the spouse. We are not proud of ourselves, and many of us do not want to hurt you. We are hurting and confused ourselves. We are trying to find a glimmer of love ourselves, and yes we had no right to take it from someone who doesn’t belong to us. That is something I will live with everyday for the rest of my life. Knowing that I caused someone else pain, because I was so desperate to feel love…even if it was brief and temporary.

I am sorry.


22 thoughts on “A Random Act of “I am Sorry”

  1. Gross. I can’t believe she brings up her self-chosen path of pain as being even remotely comparable to the devastation felt – ongoingly – as a betrayed wife.

    Whoever you are, OW – and no matter how much integrity you mistakenly think you have – you are grotesquely selfish, manipulative, and conceited beyond belief.

    Because ultimately, all you EVER had to say was No. And then never answer a call, a message, or a knock on the door from him ever again.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. While I respect her willingness to reach out and show some signs of remorse, her letter itself reads like an invitation to a pity party to me. Maybe I am jaded, cynical or whatever but honestly I don’t care that the OW is up all night lonely. Good, that’s what she deserves for being such a vile person devoid of moral compass. One of my husbands entry level whores told me that she “is sick” over what she did (perhaps because this one had met me several times and even attended our engagement party). That’s just lovely that she is “sick” over her behavior. She should be, because that behavior is sick. But I feel no pity or empathy for these whores. I pity the poor wife who is at home, unwittingly taking care of her family while she is a made a fool of by her husband and some nameless whore who is only good enough to be someone’s side dish. Sorry for the rant, but I am clearly in a “mood” today and seeing this desperate attempt for this woman to seek empathy from the betrayed community definitely strikes a cord.

    Liked by 7 people

  3. I’m with WR, and I say boo.hoo.hoo. 😢 Maybe it’s because I can’t imagine anything so thoughtful coming from H’s OW – ?

    No, this OW had a clear choice, the wife did not. So tired of hearing this “but I love him” BS. He wasn’t available for her to love. She should find someone who is.

    Nope, no empathy or pity or anything else coming from me, and I would be willing to bet she’ll break NC before New Year’s. {Feeling bitter…}

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Bahahhaha. I have been on chump lady way too much. I was Ultimate Bullshit Translating this the whole way through….

    It’s not justified… But…- this is always the start of ‘here’s how it’s justified’….

    “I played the part”
    No. Don’t distance yourself. You don’t get to pretend you were acting like a character in your favorite show. You let him in your pants, it didn’t happen when you were magically controlled by the wizard of oz or the Cheshire Cat you can’t disengage and act like you’re a marionette. It’s called free will. You have it.

    “It’s not easy”
    Right. Not easy to be wined and dined and snuggled and get a the good bits while the wife gets to figure out how to balance the check book and feed and get everyone to soccer and keep things clean and try to avoid all the weird fights that keep happening and also be sexy because he seems disinterested and also he’s so weird lately… Yep, cheater- you had it really rough.

    ‘I pleaded he walk away.’
    But I still got on the plane or went to the hotel and stuff.

    ‘I told him he was blessed to have a family… Blah blah I’m alone’
    I made him pity me and take pity me by allowing him to shower me with money that should have gone to his family. Gifts that would have been nice for her to have. Gosh I’m 35 already… Obviously if I can’t even find one singleton in that 30 second meet cute at the bar, I’m destined to be alone forever. There’s no one left on the planet who’s single. Seriously. I’m in a documentary called the last lonely girl. It’s so hard.

    ‘I had to follow his contact rules’
    Yeh. Or I could have followed the normal married guy contact rules. If you wouldn’t send it to him and his wife, you shouldn’t send it. Don’t let him stick his peices in you. Those are even better rules.

    ‘I’m alone’
    Yep, because no single 35 year old guy wants to waste time with a cheater. You’re a skid mark.

    ‘I couldn’t help it I felt his love or was in love or whatever she said’
    Nope. You felt his penis. Totally not the same thing. You were a Twinkie before dinner. That’s your prize on the mantle. 35 year old Twinkie.

    Holy crap. I’m totally entering my angry stage. Good thing my husbands bitches are all hookers they probably can’t read.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. This letter actually makes me sick to my stomach. The hypocrisy, the self aggrandizing pity, the cluelessness, the gullibility, the lack of holding herself accountable, the selfishness, the drivel. It seems we have been through this so many times on our blogs… there is no exception, and there is NO comparison between the wife and the OW. I realize I am quite jaded as I could also actually envision the OW in my husband’s life writing this kind of drivel when she was in one of her less evil, less inebriated moods. The similarity between this letter and the phone call from my husband’s OW, is that she ironically doesn’t mention sex. In the relationship with the OW in BE’s life, sex is all they had and yet, she somehow orchestrated some fantasy world in which he was unhappy and she made him happy. She gave him an orgasm. Big fucking deal. As I have said many times, he can do that all by himself, but she constantly offered to do it for him. That is not a “loving” relationship. Period.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. My husband’s unpaid whore definitely can read, and write, and stalk. The phone calls made to me by this horrible woman will forever be seared into my mind. At least escorts don’t call the wife… seems like it would be pretty bad for biz. I do realize, it’s all bad though. Good luck tonight!

        Liked by 2 people

  6. I totally wrote a very witty bullshit translator for this… And somehow lost it, it didn’t post. I’m so sad. Just like this poor jilted cheater. You’re 35 and alone? Because men your age aren’t willing to waste time with a cheater. Goodness. Get a grip. You’re in a hard plight? Yeh. Much like the wife who was running a house by herself because you were off opening your holes. Oh and you felt his love? You played a part? No. Felt his penis. And you didn’t play anything. You did exactly what you meant to do. You got involved and this was not some sort of performance. You participated in a reality- the destruction of a marriage where one party had no knowledge or say.

    You had to follow his communication rules? No. You absolutely could have followed the ones that keep you on the line of ‘not a home wrecker’ – if you can’t send it to him and his wife, you shouldn’t send it. In fact, for a dim bulb such as yourself (who asks him twice if he’s single and his answer was always ‘No’ … And she misunderstood that…) you should just default to actually texting it to him and his wife. Then if you accidentally think you feel love for him, you will get a good smack, from the person who should actually get the share of hotels, gifts, hand holding, commitment, love, and whatnot.
    Wowza. What a bag of crazy. Good luck lonely lady. You got what you deserved.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This OW’s attempt to justify her behavior, cloaked as explanation and pseudo sisterhood, makes me want to hurl. Three main replies:

    1) The OW wrote, “He says is not happy. But lacks the courage to make changes to find happiness. Why stay in a marriage if you are not happy?”

    This sad, lonely woman is an OW by deliberate choice. She acknowledges liars lie yet is still self deluded enough to believe this nugget. I’ll never forget reading Patricia Neal’s autobiography wherein said it was very easy to justify being Gary Cooper’s mistress because his wife was so awful to him. What she couldn’t reconcile was later being the “awful” wife left behind by Roald Dahl and his mistress. Karma taught her the harsh lesson that mistresses are, out of necessity, deluded.

    2) She also wrote, “I am single. I have no one. I am alone and unsupported.”

    Easy, peasy. Stop making poor decisions. Pursue appropriate relationships. We all have to sleep in the beds we’ve made.

    3) And then, “Please know that affairs hurt the OP as much as the spouse.”

    Uh, not.

    Liked by 3 people

  8. “Again, I am sorry to you and any spouse who sits in this position. Please know that affairs hurt the OP as much as the spouse.” Really????? Until you have been the spouse you have no idea how we feel. AND you knew going in to this you were the “Other Woman”. Betrayed Spouses had NO choice! She needs to sit down and shut up.

    Liked by 3 people

  9. Yep, I agree with all of the above. The letter is not sincere. True, the married person who cheats is bad….and the person he cheats with, who knowingly goes with it is as bad as the cheater. She has a choice. Who wants to have a relationship with a person who deceives his wife and children? She is what I refer to “a desperate”. She thinks she cannot get love…so she goes for the one that is married. That she suffers is OK, maybe that helps her to stop the behavior. I have no sympathy for those who knowingly step into an affair with a married person. I find them selfish and lacking in morals.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Some are even worse…they go for the married person as he (at times a she) has a lot to offer, money wise. They are not after love but after financial gain. They do not suffer, and they do not have remorse. They deceive the person they have an affair with and he deserves that…It is a mess a web of lies, deception and reciprocal betrayal. All lose in this game. That the “predator” loses, it is nothing, she will move quickly to her next prey. The wife and at many cases also the husband (who had the affair), are stuck with the pain for years. Recovering and healing takes many years and the marriage will never be the same. There is deep grief, endless…pain, and only slowly and with a lot of effort a couple can become healthy again. What a waste of potentially beautiful years…and for what? Self centered gratification…lust…admiration….it is not a nice picture.


  11. and according to some stats…it has only become worse. The reason; social media cellphones and the lot, make it so much easier to contact behind others’ back.


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