Sabatoged

Not sure why I’m inspired to blog today, but I am… I’ve been mostly lurking around WP as of late, but made a few comments over the weekend and a few responses and likes predictably were exchanged on a comment I made on His Affair, My Pain’s blog titled Common Themes…

I responded, “Me too.. I still cannot believe my husband cheated..”

Just this morning I received a new “like” notification to that comment from a blogger I don’t recognize. She’s new, not a single post.. Not an intro or an about about page.. Just a beautiful photo and title. I believe I am the first follower.

This makes my heart hurt and my tears are overflowing.. For her, because we more “seasoned” betrayed wives remember the sheer magnitude of the hell she is feeling in these first days. For all betrayed spouses, for having to pick themselves up everyday. I personally wished to just disappear, vanish, POOF!

I remember that there was nothing really made the insanity go away in the first and weeks…. The endless and often obsessive, pervasive thoughts and questions… Those really haven’t stopped for me, but they have continually lessened I learned to have better control of what I give thought to and a broader perspective.

The months since, the time, has given me hindsight. In that sense, Time does heal... But it doesn’t erase.. I still see that first text, her name and our emails, some other insignificant details, like vivid pictures in my mind. I remember my life exploding….

The  “flame was lit,”  Dday… it burned a few days and finally detonated. That’s when the truth started trickling in…and I still only know the basics really… My personal reality is, that he may not be telling me a lie, but he’s not telling me the truth either.

Over the first crazy weeks of knowing and living in the aftermath of the bomb dropping on my marriage, my life blew up, such magnitude as Hiroshima…. A giant mushroom cloud and everything instantly covered in ash.. Somehow we survived those first intense days ..

I think I’ve had my eyes closed… Because, if you grew up in the 70’s, or maybe watch enough war  movies, you know you don’t look at the blast…

Now, over a year later, I can see the massive cloud that still exists, I can see the carnage and fallout. I see that life is still moving on around me, and I’ve even participated to some degree. But I’m ready for better and beautiful again

I just still don’t know what direction to go. I’m afraid to jump.

My husband has tried to assure me that only time would heal me. I didn’t believe him then, and I still don’t. Time has dulled just the harshest edges, and eased the constant heartache, but honestly, they are still there. What the time has given me is perspective.. Again, hindsight..

I look back on what has truly been my beautiful mess of a life…

And it all looks so different now. I can still see most of the beauty.. But the mess? The mess that I was cleaning myself, while my husband was cheating and carrying on..unknowingly heaping to the mess..

My beautiful mess of a life was sabotaged.. This isn’t the life I was living, nor wanted to live.

Not sure where it will lead but you can follow my footprints as I walk out of the ashes.

Maybe tomorrow ❤️

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26 thoughts on “Sabatoged

  1. I want to comment and say something that will help but I don’t have anything today. I really feel for you, for all BS especially my wife. I know if I could do it again things would be so different. I don’t know if I am different but I remember DDay and it replays in my mind over and over. I can see the shock, the hurt, the loss, but worst of all the disappointment that I was not who she thought I was and knew we would never be the same again. I can only hope that you are now in a good place, not back to how things were because we both know that is not possible, but a new good place with your husband and marriage.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. Thanks for your thoughtful response. I’m personally in a better place, but still as confused and unsure.

      We’ve navigated back to the relationship we had before I found out about the affair.

      I’m not sure what that says about us, or even what it means for us and our marriage…

      The one thing I’m absolutely sure of though is “something” has to change. This shell we are living in is cracked… It’s so confusing to me.. He says he’ll never cheat again, it was a mistake (yeah.. “Mistake” 😏) .. Blah blah.. So if he was unhappy enough to cheat.. For a couple years… And nothing has changed but me finding out.. What’s to prevent him from cheating again.

      I don’t buy into “once a cheater, always a cheater” But Nothing has changed.. He’s done little to no work on himself.. To figure out how he got to where he was, Shows little to no remorse… I think he’s even accepted my forgiveness as an “annulment” of his indiscretions..

      His recovery plan for us is Time. It does help.. but not always in the anticipated or expected ways…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I could not do that. I know how I have always felt about my wife and how devastated when I had convinced myself that she no longer loved me. That I was only with her to support her and be a great father. The only thing worse was me finding out that wasn’t the case, but that happened too late to save me. Now I am in a place where as long as I am here I cannot go back to the way things were. I think she is in the same place where we are both trying to save each other. So I could not imagine what you must be going through. Have you ever said “Honey I know you are sorry for the things you have done but I am having a hard time moving past this because it feels like we are right back where we were when you had your affair. For me to heal I need……(insert your needs) in order for me to heal and be able to move forward.”?

        I think it is direct and tell him exactly what you need from him. I know that is one of the hardest things for me, knowing what she needs and wants. I am constantly guessing. It can be frustrating so to know I could help make changes much easier.

        Liked by 2 people

    2. I guess still just I don’t understand the part about you thinking your wife stopped loving you.. I’m familiar with your blog. I know she was struggling with her own things.. But how dis you misunderstand each other so profoundly wrong…

      It’s rhetorical really.. My husband said the same thing essentially… He didn’t think I’d care.. That it wouldnt hurt me “that much,” he didn’t feel desired or loved…

      So that puts it back to me… Right? Clearly I was not contributing to the wellness of our marriage of he felt such ways.. And I thought, as far as wife material.. He got a good deal! I was doing ok.. Certainly not perfect.. But I love being a wife and mom.. In all the traditional aspects… I’ve mostly carved my career around being able to raise my family.. I’m an RN.. So I’ve had amazing flexability. My kids have not been to daycare since my now 16 year old about a year old. my youngest.. Never. I’ve been a soccer-hockey-dance-lacrosse mom, been a girls scout and Cub Scout leader, cooked and baked for any bake sale, fundraiser or booster need… Volunteered for more than my share of the never ending demand for volunteers…

      My husband all through the years was along side me… We had lots of rocks.. And a few boulders thrown in our path.. but he was always there.. We had the same plan…

      I totally took the back seat professionally. My younger self wanted to be a Nurse practitioner.. Get my MSN, teach perhaps, write, peruse photography…
      I put those aside and supported my husbands professional development. And he has a beautiful career progression. his work story is note-worthy really, in the American pursuit sort of way.. He got his very expensive MBA, while working full time with a GPA near perfect. And advanced thru the healthcare/IT world and is likely to accept a director position tomorrow. Big changes…

      He’s been a great provider and supporter. He’s done much more for our kids than I see most dads doing. he’s really amazing that way.

      We’ve worked thru issues.. And we’ve had them.. major ones.. (Did you read my Red Dog post?) and I know depression well. My husband has been my absolute rock. I was out of work for being so severely depressed 5 years ago.. I cried every fucking morning I woke up, because I was alive. I drove under bridges wondering if that one would kill me if I drove fast enough into it.. Only I was too chicken for fear I’d fail.. And leave my family the burden of caring for me … My husband was a stand up guy. I was never so feeble and helpless as I felt that summer.. He took amazing care of me.

      I thought we were working well together.. By no means perfect, But good enough..

      Wow..This turned into a longer response that didn’t really even address your ?’s…

      But I just I don’t know how we got so out of sync.. Ya know?

      I guess I should say.. I’ve really connected with your blog. I admire your sincerity and honesty.. I get your guirkiness in your writing, have a thing for Dr Seuss, love when you inject your philosophies and understanding of the world.. Can totally relate to all your life events… And I also from what you’ve written about your wife totally relate to her .. She sounds like me in all you’ve written. Likewise.. You sound much like my husband.. A stand up guy, amazing dad.. Living a comfortable life .. And then you guys blow it up.. It just doesn’t make sense…and we both have more to our stories.. I personally have some doozies.. It still doesn’t add up..

      I’ll go back and address your ?’s

      Like

      1. You ask a good question here and one that I have spent a lot of time thinking about and discussing with my wife. We needed to know so we can avoid it in the future.

        For us it was a slow progression (over 5+ years). I think if she had depression like you describe I could have handled it but hers was of a different sort and how she handled it as well. It is funny because my wife is/has been all those things you describe and also took a back seat to my career. She also wanted to stay home with the kids. So I worked so she could.

        Sex has been the only thing (until now) that we have ever fought over. Her drive just went down over the years ( I think I describe all this in a post but I don’t remember which one off hand) and I equated this to both her attraction to me and my performance. I worked hard in both areas and things only got worse. The last few years were all avoidance. When she wasn’t out with the kids she would come home and sleep. She was always tired. It did not take me long to figure out that she was just avoiding life and that she was not happy. I added this to the constant rejection and never wanting to be with me and I believed that she no longer wanted me, she no longer needed me, she no longer loved me.

        I tried everything I could think of to make it work and “fix it”, but I kept thinking that I can’t fix her feelings for me. When I came to this conclusion I had a very rough few months and then I unintentionally got some attention at work. Then from other places I noticed that people did want me and I liked the attention. The rest is all there to read.

        The biggest question I get is why did I not just talk to her about it. When I was trying all these things to make the marriage work, why did I not talk to her about it. It is because I wanted her to want me on her own. Not because she thought she had to or needed to pretend she did. For some reason I did not think that it would be authentic if I talked with her about it. I know this is the biggest mistake I made leading up to it, but it still makes sense in my head. How would I know she was authentic? I had asked her 100’s of times what would make her happy and the answer was always the same “I don’t know”. Never “You!” or “I am happy” so I wanted her happiness to be real.

        I don’t know if this makes sense but it is how my brain works. And once it is set it is extremely hard to change. It is also why I cannot forgive myself and know that I never will. I just don’t work that way.

        Like

      2. My husband also said the same thing that he thought that I didn’t want him or need him. He said I had my family so he was redundant . It was so not tries now we’ve both lost the love we’ve had. He says that’s why he can’t come back because we will never have what we had again, and that’s true but I do believe with a bit of effort from both of us we still could have had something good. Something better than the life we are both living at the moment. But it does take effort and a willingness to examine what was and why before you can get to that better place, a place where hopefully this won’t happen again. They have to want it though and unfortunately I have to accept that my husband doesn’t for whatever reason.

        Like

  2. It’s like we know what’s around the corner and we want to warn everyone before it happens to them, but the warning shots aren’t being heard, mostly because no one thinks it will happen to them until – it does. I hate that any of us that seek blogs on this subject have any need for or interest in it. However, I am thankful each day that all of you were here for me when I joined the club. What would I have done without all of this wisdom?
    I hope your change of scenery will help the painful thoughts fade more quickly and let the beauty in again.

    Liked by 4 people

      1. Me three … destruction .. train wreck…

        In a week it will be 15 months since everything was turned upside down – and the feeling of being lost is still with me … the feeling of disbelief … the shattering loss of trust …. the heart ache … the questioning of everything – life, the universe, everything …

        Maybe it goes? Someday?

        Great post rac. I feel those things too … when I read the newly betrayed writings … and know whats in store for them. I feel their agony and loss …

        Nice to hear from you again – always insightful and thoughtful x

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I walked in on the affair and nothing I have done can erase the image from my mind. It’s been over a year now, I’m in a better place but I hold resentments. I have no hard feelings toward my ex but despise the woman he was having sex with. She was not ignorant to the fact that he had a wife and a child. She did what she did on purpose.

    Liked by 4 people

    1. I despise the woman too. She knew what she was doing. She knew she what she was doing to our family. She just didn’t care.
      I am still with my husband. Staying is the new shame? I’m ok with my decision to stay, but I do feel the shame and humiliation often … I wonder if that will ever go.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I stayed with my ex through 13 women. We dated for ten years married for three and have one son together. I’m only 24. I’ve been through too much. People shame what they don’t understand. I get it but do not sell yourself short. Don’t stay for the children, don’t stay because he made empty promises. There are good men out there. I found one who finally treats me right. You could have that too.

        Liked by 2 people

      2. It always feels like you won’t find someone else but the truth is we are all too afraid of stepping outside of our comfort zone. I tell you, miraculous things happen when you do.

        Like

      3. husbands whore knew too… She told me in an email she was seeking something “just for her” selfish bitch-whore.. She knew exactly what she was doing.. As did my husband… It was no mistake. It was intention and deliberate..

        So much hurt…

        Liked by 2 people

      4. it is the fact that it was most definitely a CHOICE that does my head in….. it was a choice to do this to me, my children, our life.
        The hurt is indescribable …. debilitating …. devastating.
        I want it to end. I just had an argument about “it” (it being “the affair”) today. About his lack of dialogue about something I still need to talk about. About his constant “other stuff to do” attitude… And although I love having helpers come to our property and stay with us and share our lives, I also need time when he focuses on just us – on healing what he’s done.
        He can’t see it!!!!!! He says we should talk at night time – but there is always someone in our home at night and if not one of us is asleep… He says he doing his best to recreate our life. Yet he is neglecting MY needs AGAIN!!!!!
        Ah fuck. I think I’m rambling. Its 4pm – maybe a glass of wine would be nice!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. I cannot even imagine what a mind fuck walking into a scene with my husband with his whore would be like. I’m so sorry😔

      Yeah.. I totally get the resentment. I hate feeling it.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I stay because of love – at least I feel thats the reason. I stay because he’s now the man I fell in love with again … not some self centred egotistical asshole who thinks he deserves more than he’s willing to give to me. I don’t stay because its easy – it would be easier to leave I think.

    I will not stay if it happens again.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. Your husband is wrong. It isn’t ONLY time that heals. Time just puts (much needed, for sure) distance between you and “it”. What heals – and healing is never a neat, complete thing – is him helping you, him listening, holding, sharing, apologising – continually and with more than just words. His actions and words, as well as the work you do on yourselves – both of you, separately and together – is what increases healing. Time just happens. Healing, not necessarily.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. It’s amazing how our capacity for empathy has expanded from our ordeal, especially for newly betrayed spouses. We KNOW the long, dark journey that lies ahead of them. I had met one about 5 months into my journey. I tried to prepare him and encourage him. It wasn’t enough, the pain of his wife’s betrayal was too much and he committed suicide just two weeks later.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh how terribly sad… I’m so sorry.. That just sucks..

      And empathy? Yeah.. I have enough to spare.. I’m an empath thru and thru.

      It always brings me to tears to find a new betrayed spouse.. Because I know… We all know .. How much they are hurting, and other than support and encouragement.. There’s nothing that anybody can do for any of us that make “it” better.

      ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Reblogged this on My Husband's Affairs and commented:
    I really liked this post. I do firmly believe that one of the few positives that has come out of the pain of my husbands affair is my capacity for empathy. I shared in my comments to this post, that at about 5 months post D-Day I was consoling and encouraging a recently betrayed spouse. Those first few weeks/months are the darkest. He committed suicide two weeks later😥. I was so heartbroken when I got the news. So many of us have had those dark thoughts, including me, but we managed to fight through it. He lost the battle that so many of us fought through. I try now to reassure newly betrayed spouses that those thoughts are not uncommon, but I PROMISE it WILL get better. Lean into the pain so you can get through the pain

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The old adage…time heals all wounds. For me, it has been ten years since the first betrayal and I believe it is more painful today than it was then. Seeing your life disappearing before your eyes and understanding that it has been a lie is unbearable.

      Liked by 2 people

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