Accountability

It’s been weeks since I posted…

But I’ve been wallowing in Suckville (I stole that from someone’s blog!)

I finally decided it was time to stop wallowing… That Suckville sucks. That it was time to do something active… Because we have both been so passive in out affair recovery. I tried to be active in the beginning, but with little participation from my husband. I started mentally shredding our life together.. We avoided talking about his affair. We’ve shared short bitter lashing arguments, followed by hours, sometimes days of near silence. In the silence I drew nearer to the concept of divorce being a reality. I started wanting out.. More and more daily…

While wallowing, I’ve leaned toward read blogs from the cheaters perspective, to try and gain insight and empathy. Most of the cheater blogs I read appear to be from unremorseful cheaters staying married, but mostly sounds like it’s failing and they are miserable. The cheater is still at least in blogging, sound as though they long for their affair partner… All these blogs seem to do for me is add fuel to my mentally shredding…and uncoupling..

My favorite cheater blog is https://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/87364197/ Surviving the affair…. A cheater’s perspective. I think this guy really gets it. He’s given me some clarity in my husband. I think he loves his wife and family. Things got crazy in their life and he got attention from someone else. It felt good. It was seemingly harmless. There was no malicious intent. But he slipped further and further down the slippery slop. And now a bunch of people are hurt. Shit happens. Bad things happen to good people. Good people make stupid mistakes, like having an affair…but it doesn’t make them a bad person.

I told my husband a little bit about his blog, but haven’t connected him yet. Why? Because honestly if he’d take the time to read it he’d probably break down in tears out of relief… That someone gets it and can relate on such a level… Because I’m a lot like this guys wife…. But I haven’t shown him his blog because then he’d easily find mine. He known I have one, I just haven’t shared it with him. I don’t go to any great lengths to hide it. It’s easy to find on my iPad… He knows I prefer him not to read it and I don’t believe he has. But someday, probably soon… Maybe… But for now, I’d prefer him not to… Not that I’m hiding anything, because I’m not…

So, I relate so well to this guys blog. Because I went down that slippery slope that landed him on his ass. And it could have easily been my story too.

The short story is..(because this is a blog post my drafts) Ten years ago, I had a mostly online emotional affair. This went on for a few months and then the guy drove 18 hrs to see me, uninvited and mostly unannounced. I had seriously misled him but that was my intent. He lived 18 hours away. He was safe. But he arrived and my husband had taken the kids away for the weekend.

I felt guilty that this guy drove all the way to see me. Crazy, right? But, Wow, what a rush, a compliment… This guy drove here all that way, to see me. Rationale is a crazy thing.. Sometimes it goes out the window… I can mostly describe it as feeling obligated to meet him. That seems weak. Probably because it is.. But I felt it. Sure curiosity was there, what an emotional high! Chemistry was there thru mostly chats and a few emails and calls… Anyways, forego rationale and off I went to meet him.

He called from his hotel and invited me over. I agreed to meet him in public. We met at a nearby Borders. He knew I loved to read and write… Anyways, this is supposed to be short… I met him. He was upset that I wouldn’t spend the night with him. He frightened me. I went home.  He called me several times and I ignored him. He called and left a voicemail that my husband heard. I would have deleted it and never told him. It was such a miserable mistake. He didn’t need to know.

My husband was blindsided. By all the same doubt and betrayal that I am feeling now.

So as far as relating, that’s how ACP’s blog has helped me.. And maybe my husband… I’ve  reevaluated what I did and the pain it caused him. My husband and I can relate on that level.

I’m not letting him off the hook..

We had some tough conversations this past weekend. I finally came clean with where my thoughts have been… That we should seriously talk about divorce. I told him I’m not in love with him, that I haven’t been for a while. That I love him. And I do. I’m crazy for this man who has totally broken my heart. But before I totally destroy us in my mind… Because truly that’s what I’ve been doing… We should get out as friends. I know my life with him hasn’t been a total Suckville… Just a few visits, and some longer…

I’m ready to move out of Suckville, with or without him…

So divorce is out there…

He came back with an invitation to boot camp on Affair Recovery. I showed him the site, as a good place to find something active to do toward recovery. Even if it was just reading..

Because doing nothing isn’t working for me anymore…

So I grabbed that invite and committed to the boot camp. Asked him to print us out the PDF’s and created workbooks for us… We are still on Day 1, but I’m hopeful. I’m going to hold him accountable. We figure it will take us longer than 7 days because of our crazy life, but agree to work it.

So last night by a beautiful fire I asked him… “What made me stop that night 10 years ago and go home before my affair became anything more than it was. And why did his affair?

He’s trying to figure that out…

I think he might be getting it….

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16 thoughts on “Accountability

  1. This is an HONEST post. Well done! You are brave to try, and I don’t mean that in any negative way! Get out of Suckville – and the only way is by movement and progress. It’s what we did…we had to get out of the damn rut so we went to counseling. It helped, but I think bootcamp would have been a better option for first go around or as a follow up. Stay strong and true to what you want 🙂

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  2. Let me know how it goes. Suckville might be growing in population as it has been tough here the last few days, hense my lack of posting.

    It is good to see you trying to get out and I hope boot camp is helpful.

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    1. Well it’s technically it’s day 2 of Day 1 Bootcamp. We agreed to work it along in no more than 3 days per Day.. Crazy lives.. We’ve read thru all the assigned material and talked a little bit about our “story of us” .. I think I’m going to make it a blog post! Was it you that keyed the term Suckville? For whatever reason, I connected with that word! You do Dr Suess so well!

      How are things in your Suckville?

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      1. That is a good approach. A little less threatening and demanding. At least I would think so.

        My Suckville is hanging around longer than I would like. I seem to have good weeks and bad but this is longer than a week. I feel like I am stuck. It is a wierd feeling because my professional life won’t let that happen.

        I am really interested in the boot camp so you will have to let me know about it. Then maybe I can see what the good Dr. has to say about it 🙂

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      2. The Bootcamp is free on the affair recovery website. You can do it alone or with your wife. These a lot of great resources on that site that are spiritually neutral. I respect the whole Christian approach. Because, I am Christian. But I truly hate the way it’s all organized. But I digress…

        I thought of your blog last evening.. My husband was poking around looking for the group support feature on the Bootcamp page… It ends up being a feature for paying members… Which we are not.. But anyways… I was pleasantly surprised by him wanting to talk with other cheaters.. And yea, I was one but can only relat in so far as I stopped it when it got real. My affair was strictly chatting and a few calls and emails… Long before we texted… And then the guy drove 18 hrs uninvited to meet me.. I met him and sent him away. It ended there. He called a few times.. I ignored.. He left a message saying something directly to my husband about how lucky he was, because I couldn’t betray him. I don’t remember the exact words but… So my husband knows it ended.
        That doesn’t change the hurt he felt..

        But he took his so much farther. And so did you.. I think that’s why your blog resonates so strongly.

        And I can totally relate to your wife. I’ve had my affairs with mental health too.

        I think you and my husband could be good recovery buddies…

        Maybe a few years older and wiser! .. Let me know if you’re interested… I will bow out of the equation.

        Truly I laid all our shit out this past weekend.. I told my husband, that as a friend and nurse, I was concerned that he’d spoken to NO one but me (and our two oldest…) about his affair. He needs to open up.. Spew that shit out.. I think blogging helps.. But talking is so much more effective!

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      3. He definitely sounds similar to me. I have only talked to my wife and therapist. That’s it. I don’t talk to anyone about my life. My wife does not even know about much of my childhood. I am hoping I can unknow it as well. But anyways…

        If he is interested I would be okay talking with him. It might really be easier because I am not real. Sometimes it is easier to be honest with someone you never will know because really how can I judge him? I can’t and won’t.

        I am jealous sometimes that my wife has friends and family that she can talk to about anything. She has only told a couple of her close friends and none of her family, but they have been supportive.

        Feel free to ask him and then we can see where it leads. If he wants to then I can send you my email.

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      4. Ok.. You made easy non-real connections too.. And I totally get that. I’ll tell him about you and see if he wants to talk…

        But hey if nothing else let’s agree to move out of Suckville ok?

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  3. Hey there blog soul sister 🙂
    We did the bootcamp (minus the day about the kids). It was when we were early on and while I think it helped, I also think I’d like to do it again. Even though the bootcamp stresses how important honesty and full disclosure are, it wasn’t until about a month after we finished the program that the full truth came out about some of the affair details. It might be interesting to try it again now that J can really be honest with himself and with me. Have you gotten to the video yet? I found that to be one of the best parts of the whole thing.
    Anyway, I’m glad to see you aren’t taking up permanent residence in Suckville and glad that the two of you are having the tough conversations and reflecting on what happened (both now and 10 years ago).
    Wishing you the best 🙂

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  4. If you like the bootcamp, do look at their online EMS online course (not sure if that is what they still call it). They put you with a group of 3 or 4 other couples and moderator. You talk once/week via TalkShoe and have homework in between each weekly session. We still consider their 12-week course as a foundational element in our path forward! TL xx

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    1. I’d like to say I like it.. But 3+ weeks later and we still haven’t finished Day 1. I’ve read thru it all, because that’s what I do… But M hasn’t gotten past day 1 reading.. And he fell asleep when we watched the 20 min video.

      I’m working on a post about where we are..

      I love your blog.. I’ve read thru it all. I’d love to say how lucky you are, that your that MC is do dedicated to your recovery.. And that of your marriage. (But most betrayed don’t feel so lucky to be married to there cheating spouse)

      So I wish you didn’t have to go thru this.. Its nice to see he got his head out of … His ass😉 and is committed to doing the work to fix the mess with you.

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      1. Yes, you are right, “lucky” is not really the word I would use, maybe lucky I didn’t end-up killing him on d-day! I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish your husband would get his head out of his ass! Take care of yourself! I am thinking of you!

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