Melancholy Monday

I guess that’s what I seem to feel…

I’m always so melancholy and emotionally exhausted come Monday morning..

Compounded by a late night hospice call, such as I had last night… Last night even more emotionally draining. It was a difficult visit and kept me up until well after 3… And then I got up just before 8.

I slept past my 6 a.m. School morning alarm to get the kids up. They’re old enough to get themselves out the door, but I love these mornings. Their idle  routine and conversations. Sometimes just banter, but it keeps me connected to them.

I won’t see them until at least  late afternoon….

My son has mostly honors level  course-load and is doing well. I’m proud of him. He could do better if he applied himself more, but he doesn’t, So does well enough without much effort. He’s too busy to spend the extra time studying.

I get that.

He’s adventurous and curious, always has been. He’s going to be 18 starting his senior year because I opted to keep him out of kindergarten. He was just too social and only wanted to play.

He was a 10 week preemie, so had he been born on his due date he would have been born after our state kindergarten cutoff… if he wasn’t in such a rich to start his life..

Part of it was wanting to keep him home with me a little bit longer, I wasn’t quite ready to let him go, still not sure I’ll ever be..

So after school he always has some practice.. He’s a 3 sport varsity athlete. Has been since he was a freshman. Been an athlete since he was about 4. Tried a bunch of sports over the years, But has stuck with hockey, soccer and lacrosse since starting high school.

Burning press son of his freshman year, he was a starting player on a competitive HS varsity team. Then was one of 2 freshman that made varsity, and upper classmen were cut.

So soccer season while also playing with a Midgets-level competitive travel hockey team.

Soccer ended.

He then went into hockey both midgets and high school 7 up to 10 hours of ice a week sometimes…that’s a lot of hockey.

Lacrosse season started soon after hockey ended. Another starting midi on a competitive high school team. Great season… Toward the end he injured his knee.. Had an X-ray, some PT and started summer soccer.

He had an MRI in late summer because his knee just kept bothering him. We discovered a torn left ACL and multiple torn meniscus. Had surgery in mid September. Missed soccer and hockey his sophomore year because of the 6 month rehab after ACL reconstruction surgery and busy PT schedule.

He and I got really close thru that rehabilitation period. I’m a nurturer and caregiver, even professionally, as an RN…

But when my children hurt I hurt too. They are such a part of me…

I work from home so for very obvious reasons, I was primary caregiver during his post surgery months. Really  hands on… Shy of bed baths and bathroom duties.. I manages his recovery. Meds and ice and PT multiple times a day and week. It’s a lot of dedication for both of us. We spent a lot of quality time together.

So much as his injury saddens me for him… I cherish the time he and I spent…I’ve helped raise a kind, compassionate, thoughtful young man.

So he’s fully cleared by his surgeon and PT to resume sports as lacrosse season starts his freshman year. He starts again. Still a competitive varsity team… Mid May he injures his right knee.

MRI right away.. 3 days because of a weekend…

He tore his ACL. The kid was crushed… I was crushed for him and with him…

Another grueling 6 months for a kid who still had dreams of maybe playing D1 in college .. Likely far fetched, but they were his dreams…

We got thru those grueling six months. Again. He was cleared for sports  just as hockey started. He was starting line, co-captain as a junior. The team was mediocre at best. Some true hockey players and then a bunch that play hockey because they don’t do track or basketball… They had a zero win, 0-1-16 ish Season. No lie.

They sorta sucked sometimes…

We have high hopes and expectations for his senior year. Our hockey program is merging with a neighboring school district. I believe it’s a win-win situation for the program and the players…

We’ll see.. I have to get thru lacrosse and soccer season as well as a midget hockey team…

But he got thru the season uninjured, but his knees still bother him. He still ices almost daily, takes ibuprofen more often than I like and started seeing a PT again weekly.

I wish he’d listen to his body and choose a sport and then allow himself a season off, to recover and restrengthen. But I’m not an almost 18-year-old young man either. I can’t make his decisions for him…

I’m just his mom. Who’s such a mess these days…

So lacrosse season has started. Of course, he made Varsity. They have had a few tournaments and have done extremely well. It’s going to be a great season. The boys play great.

I am praying and wishing and crossing my fingers and sending positive healing vibes.. Blah, blah…that his knees hold out…

So that’s all on my mind…

As he has a scrimmage this afternoon. I’m so nervous and afraid of going, but I love to watch him play! I hate missing games, but don’t beat myself up when I miss them.

We’ll see if I make today’s scrimmage. It’s a lovely spring day. We so deserve after the wicked winter we just had… But it’s Warm with a light breeze. Sunshine is comforting. A light sweater feels nice. The windows are open…

My middle child.. He boyfriend is picking her up from school. She’s going to go to his house for a while this afternoon.

She thinks I believe there’s an adult there. Our rules when she visits him…mostly my rule. I don’t think my husband really cares..

Maybe I do believe her, but I wonder. Trust is such a sensitive subject, I won’t really know unless I check up on her.. Go to his house, but I won’t.

Or I could text his mom. I won’t do that either.

So I’m trusting her, but I wonder, even doubt…

That’s probably not fair…

I hope she’s using safe judgement and that I’ve raised her well enough to take safe chances and make safe choices. Think about consequences…

She’s such a mini-me. She and I are very close. Hugest rivals sometimes too.

She’s not quite sixteen. She carries most of the typical traits of a sixteen year old girl. Modified to fit her personally. She’s such a spunky, independent little shit… I am absolutely crazy about her. Such a bright and intelligent young lady with a kind, empathetic and sensitive old soul. Wise beyond her years even…

We connect in such an intimate way. We almost read each other’s mind sometimes. She knows. It’s made us closer. Much.

We can still argue like bitches too though! We are too much alike. Strong willed and stubborn.

I think that’s what scares me the most. I understand what she’s going thru much more than she gives me credit for, but I get it because I was her age once too.

So I trust her judgement. But I still worry…

and then my baby..14 in a few days.. Fully cleared by her neurologist to resume full activity. For her currently that’s track. She also is dancing an hour a week. Will be many more hours come summer with dance intensives  and camps required for company. The dance company season starts in the fall…

She’ll also have summer soccer and then pre season. She will likely make varsity soccer team as a freshman. She is naturally talented, so I’ve been told. She loves to play though and she is tough and competitive.

We’ll see how her back holds out.

I’m hoping for the best. I don’t want to think about the alternative yet.

Surgical repair for her spondalythesis, a spinal fusion as such a young age frightens me… And then I struggle with the fact that she would do so much better as an adolescent than adult.. The advantages of youth!

the doctor said the symptoms will manifest themselves, so it’s a wait and see…

I always feel like I’m walking around, waiting for something to happen. The next thing to happen….

I think the weekends do me in. I think living in our new reality sucks. Mine does, I can’t read his mind and he doesn’t talk about it. Or anything…

I review everything and try to figure out what my new reality is. Because I don’t think I know it all yet. Honestly,  I know I don’t…

I just don’t know what to do…

So I’m going to go find something to manage this killer migraine I have coming on.. May need to call out tonight.. Got to figure that out soon…

I need to make a list, of all the lists that I need to make…I’ve fallen so far behind in life the past six months…

pick up my youngest from track at 4. Make a few phone calls. Follow up on a few emails… Shower dress.

Pull off the mom who has it mostly together image I aspire to portray.

I don’t know anymore..

maybe I just read too many blogs…

oh yea.. I have a bunch of cats too. Pretty particular of their litter box conditions.. Apparently they weren’t satisfactory and one decided to pee on the floor by the box… In the mud room. So 3 kids and one adult all walked by it, multiple times and nobody saw it.

or everyone just assumes that Mom will take care of it…


11 thoughts on “Melancholy Monday

  1. Holy cow you can write! 3 varsity sports –amazing. “Love to watch them play” — ditto for me, what will we do when the kiddos are gone? Grandkids sports perhaps!
    Kids ground me.
    They all walked by the cat mess– I think that happens in every house doesn’t it?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like to write.. Use to be a big passion of mine. Creative writing got pushed aside by all the other creative ventures I’ve taken in my life.

      Recently a teacher I had in high school died. He told me I should peruse writing, that I was gifted..

      Tough way to make a living though!

      So I write here in my blog.. Maybe it will help me figure out my reality…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Not to long winded. You articulate what so many others feel but don’t have the time or talent to put into written form. Thanks for writing! Reality – so elusive. I used to think I had it nailed down. Life fit into nice little boxes…..

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It always astonishes me how many surgeries your children have had to endure at such young ages. Bless their hearts. I so miss the sports… our younger son played so many sports and even doubled up some seasons. We do fill the time with other things. We have to. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Ah, for some reason I thought the little one had already had the back surgery. So glad she didn’t have to? Our children are so precious to us… I was just as shocked that my husband would lie and betray his kids as well, choose to spend time with another woman when he could have been spending it with them. He missed so many things, so many conferences, and games, etc… while he was traveling. Of course, when he realized what he had done (not even thinking about the children before that) he was devastated. Enjoy the sports while you can. I hope your son doesn’t push himself too hard… he’s going to need that body for many more decades. 🙂


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