My rose-colored glasses are broken.

Maybe I am rewriting history…fuck their advice…

Maybe it’s because I’m so fucking pissed at my fucking-asshole-husband…

Maybe it’s because she lives inside my fucking head. I cannot get her out. From the moment my eyes open until I close them at night… Sometimes in my fucking dreams..

She’s always fucking there.

I think she’s a sign,.. A symbol in some weird, twisted way… beyond the obvious, that she is the other woman and fucked my husband. In doing so, inadvertently Fucked. my. Life. (I’m truly not casting the brunt of guilt to her. She didn’t cheat on me… My husband did… she just happens to be the fucking married to her third husband, self-righteous bitch-whore that came along at the right time…

When my husband needed his feeble and pathetic  ego stoked… Fuck him. Fuck them both…

But I think that’s why she’s always there… She’s the big “ah-fucking-ha!” sign that I should just. Get out.

Let him go…

Be rid of all the utter bullshit …

I think I want out. If I’d be fucking honest with myself. I’d say “I know I want out”

Not sure I’m ready to be honest with myself yet though…

Mostly because I’m not sure I trust what I feeling, maybe trying to tell myself… that I’m ready to let it go…

I don’t think there’s anything worth repairing or recovering in our marriage. I think letting go and walking away will allow me to salvage so many beautiful memories.

The one’s I haven’t shredded yet…

I think it’sbecoming toxic.

Maybe not..

Maybe it’s just the seething anger I now carry that never reaches the boiling point.

Just hovering and lashing out.

Trying desperately to make sense of my life…

How it got here…

Where the fuck it’s going…

What I’m supposed to fucking do now..

So many years together. Not so fucking rosy. I’ve put up with so much fucking-utter bullshit, it’s mind-boggling. And then to discover an affair. That’s spanned years and thru the course of their life. And I didn’t fucking know? Fuck him, it was Nothing. She was Nothing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nothing:

pronoun: 1. not anything; no single thing.

synonyms: not a thing, not anything, nil, zero, naught/nought

antonyms: something  “something of no importance or concern.”

adjective: 1. having no prospect of progress; of no value.

adverb: 1. not at all.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Darling, you are mistaken. Just so fucking wrong.

It was me that was fucking nothing!!

I truly believe you, when you say you never considered me. What I would say, feel, think, do… if I ever found out about her. I’m finally beginning to accept that you really are so shallow and self-centered, that you don’t give a much of a damn about anybody.

Certainly not me..

So long as a situation suits you.

Only you’ve convinced yourself that you care about and love me.

You’d even convinced me. Until I found out about her…

All I have to do is say the words, “I love you.” As long as I respond when you say that you love me…

I’ve quickly noticed how it hurts your shallow feelings…

how you pout when I don’t day those three little words…

So I do.

That keeps you happy…

Our current situation,..

You’ve told me your happy. Great. Fucking great.

But what is making you happy now? Not a fucking thing is different. Nothing

Except I know about her.

Every-fucking-thing else is the same!! And you have a sex life again. With me.

At least you did… But you seem happy enough to let us drift back into a sexless marriage, that made you unhappy and decide that cheating was ok…

Whatever. Make your selfish passive advances and grope if you must. I’m not going to stoke your fucking ego. You know what I expect from and for our sex life.

So you say your happy…I believe you think you are, and so I can’t and won’t bother debating it with you.

But I think maybe you’re starting to sense something has changed…

Is changing…

Maybe not…

I’m always left guessing.

Wondering…

Because you never say anything. You never ask me anything.

Am I happy?  You likely assume you know the answer, and of course your answer is right. Once you decide there’s no convincing you otherwise..

I don’t even bother anymore.

But.. if you fucking cared enough to even ask..

or listened to what I’d say…

I’d tell you No! I’m not fucking happy.

I’m not even anywhere near what I’d long ago settled for, as happy…

Happiness left fucking years ago…

when I started to see what a shallow, immature, irresponsible, self-centered, selfish, lazy asshole I married… And I sucked up all the fucking utter bullshit for years.

Accepted you for you and the “happy enough” Life we were living in.

I committed to you for life.

Asshole.

But she broke those rose-colored glasses.

Shattered.

you cheated on me.

Cheating on me. Ever. Was a fucking deal breaker. You know how fundamentally disgusting I think and feel and believe cheating is.

It’s one of the very reasons I wanted an open marriage. So you wouldn’t fucking cheat on me!!!!! Everyone around me that’s been of any importance or significance in my life has cheated. My mother, both my grandmothers and grandfathers. Numerous aunts and uncles. Several cousins, My best friend. Our neighbors…

The list of less relevant cheaters we know is long. We both know a bunch. Cheaters so fucking suck!!!

Hell, I was the other women many years ago. I fucking sucked too…

You knew how I felt about cheating. Hours and hours of discussions about infidelity.

It’s sheer destruction.

YOU FUCKING KNEW… How passionately and desperately and intimately I didn’t want that for us. Just couldn’t nor wanted to think about, imagine or hardly fathom infidelity in our marriage.

You know how I feel about monogamy. That I truly believe that we as mammals aren’t wired to be monogomas. We’ve talked about it so many times. You even mostly agree…

You know I don’t believe in, but willingly practice monogamy, for you. Because of your feeling about it and how you struggled.

You just need to understand that made a conscious and verbal promise of my fidelity to you.

I never fucking cheated on you.

You assured me. Promised me. So many fucking times…

That you’d never cheat. But you did. You fucking cheated on me. On us. Asshole.

This is the nothing that YOU did to ME!!!

And here I am… blogging away

because you’ll never understand how you’ve totally destroyed me.

But,

I don’t think I care enough..

anymore…

I think what was once happy enough, Isn’t quite what I wanted to begin with…

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12 thoughts on “My rose-colored glasses are broken.

  1. I hate “liking” this post because its not only words, but blunt feelings of pure hurt and anger. Heartache.Your words are a repeat of what I say to my husband and exactly how I feel. I am so sorry for your pain, my pain, and the loss we have encountered. I hate it. I hate home-wrecking whores!! And yes, I hate spouses who vowed to protect their significant other, yet destroyed them and the marriage over selfish, deceitful, “NOTHING” sex.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I guess I shouldn’t say I hate the cheating spouses, cuz my husband is one of them and I am still with him, but still…in a way I do…if you know what I mean.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I do totally get it. Right now I hate everything about my husband. How could I have picked him to spend my life with.. I would never have picked this man I am living with.

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Me too. And I was one.. I blogged about it a while ago.. karma I think. I was the other woman in an affair. Married myself even, but it had pretty much disintegrated at theat point? We were so young and inexperienced in life and living… I know what it feels like to be a cheater. And they suck…

      Liked by 3 people

  3. My heart breaks for you. I am almost 2 years out and still feel the same.
    So much pain has changed me and killed me inside…it pushed me into doing this fa I never thought I would ever do. .and now I’m the bad guy and I hate myself…
    I am so sad for your pain.
    Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah I thought we agreed if you want another woman just leave.
      But nope what we agreed upon didn’t matter to him.
      I didn’t matter..
      He thought it’s okay to hurt our marriage and he will be left unscarred and me too..
      But hurting me mother fucker hurts him too.
      If that isn’t the Karma he needs..
      Yeah mine still gets pouty when love isn’t welcomed..
      I need to find a church and be around some like minded people.. because I’m getting sick of hanging around the backstabber..

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh I do believe we have similar husbands. Always reassuring me there was never anyone else as a reason for his distance and unhappiness. Knowing that I had been through betrayal before and how much I loathe cheaters and whores alike. Certainly not because of jealousy but because of utter disregard for the people they love and are only selfish. My husbands first thoughts when I confronted him were that he risked everything for nothing. If we were everything, then why did you risk it for that whore? Makes no sense at all to me. I too wonder if I would be happier in a mediocre happy marriage than one now filled with unrelenting emotional pain. Haven’t I been in enough pain in my life? Do I really need more? I fear I will break soon! I hope I can continue to have hope though. You or I did nothing wrong in our marriage to deserve this onslaught of pain we feel from our husband’s infidelity. I do hope the days look better for you. If not, we betrayed spouses are here for you. Hugs to you today.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Sweetie ( I can say that cuz I live in the south now) you need a good FWB until you decide what you are gonna do. (I wish I had left the day after I found out. Now the kids are old enough that they see the truth.) Just take care of yourself and get them both out of your head. Save your sanity. IMHO: Drop the karma bullshit – what he did will never ever be your fault.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. It’s the rage – the anger – it’s toxic and it acts like an acid eddy in the brain. There are so many levels at which we hurt but there aren’t enough labels to name them. Underneath the anger (our biological response to danger) is hurt that has hit us from left field and it was engineered by the man who claimed to love us. It’s just not fair. I’m at a loss here – I don’t know. I wonder if there were some form of justice for us maybe the obsessive thoughts would go away.

    We end up giving ourselves a hard time because we can’t stop the obsessing but really isn’t it a perfectly normal response to what we have experienced? Can’t turn the clock back and make it disappear; can’t come to terms with what happened. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place! Keep writing. You are not on your own. We live in an adultery saturated society – it stinks! But you have allow healing for yourself – that’s what you must focus on. What do you need to heal yourself? And only you can answer this This has to be achieved with or without our betraying spouses.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. So sorry for such a delayed response. I don’t always pay attention to my posts etc.. Or think I’ll get back to it.. In either case. I appreciate your thoughtful words and taking time to respond.

    The anger and rage are very real. They are emotions that I struggle with to express. I’ve learned to box things up and revisit them. But never allow them to heal. So it perpetuates itself. Now the boxes are full and I’ve no where to put the anger or rage anymore.

    Problem is I don’t know how to express the, so I’ve learned how to be silent.

    But only in words.. I’m working thru my shit and my life and figuring out who I am and how I became this person I’m not terribly fond of these days ..

    Infidelity is the fucking pit of cruelty tossed at a marriage I thought was stable enough to withstand it. I still can’t even grasp thatcher cheated on me some days.

    And recovery? Nah .. We are in some fucking limbo land between DDay and today.. Fumbling around like idiots with no structure or path to get us out.

    And I’m loosing interest .. The more time that passes, the less hope I have of us recovering.

    Like

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