Doesn’t matter how hard I try, It just doesn’t make sense to me. In the years that my husband and Mouse had their affair, there’s just one phone call. He insists that is the only call he ever made to her. I questioned her about it in an email She replied that “texting” was his preferred method of communicating.
That at one phone call was made 6 months ago, The morning after I confronted him after discovering he has been having an affair.
It was a Tuesday morning, he left for work. She texted him, inviting him to her lake house for an adult playdate the following Saturday. He responded “that can’t happen… My wife knows about the affair. She replied with a few panicky texts trying to find out what I knew and if I knew who she was. She expresses concern that I would tell her husband and how damaging that would be. My husband then called her and they talked for 13 minutes. He made this call at work.
This became the ” NC” or “no contact” call. As far as I’m able to tell, there has been none since. She did send him a card with a letter to his workplace the following week. He promptly told me about and read in front of me when I got home. Other than “my letters to the other woman,” that her and I exchanged a month later, there’s been no further contact from her.
There are several things I struggle with…
One phone call. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to resolve in my head that they only shared ONE phone call in years, yes years. How is that possible? Sure they could both be telling me the truth. But I don’t believe it. My husband and she both have work numbers in their offices. My husband has a pager. You can pick up trac phones anywhere, cheap and easy! Then I try to resolve these in my head… All the texts from their personal phone. (I can see 15 months worth…) So maybe there was no trac phone, right? … Because why would they only talk on it… But maybe you can’t text from trac phones. Although I’m pretty sure you can. They could have talked from their work numbers. I’d have no way of knowing. My husband suggested I request the records from work if I didn’t believe him. Only problem with that is he knows I won’t.
Why won’t I? I sure wish I could answer that. I think the simplest answers I have is this: it would draw way too much attention. He could lose his job. If it was pursued by his employer, she could lose hers as well. (Not that I care about her.) They both hold mid-upper level management positions in the healthcare industry. I truly believe that they were both selfish lying idiots that never considered the ramifications and consequences for their actions. They were alone in their affair and nobody was going to find out. They both claim I was the third person to know about the affair. To date my husband still hasn’t told a soul. Not one.
What I really wish would happen is that my husband would fess up. Admit that there were calls made from his work number or wherever, But maybe he’s telling me the truth. I doubt it.
Then there’s the fact that I ended the affair. The evening before the phone call was when I confronted him. I’d discover that day that he was indeed having an affair and at that point in time only suspected it had been going on for a year. It was an angry tearful confrontation. My husband acting indignant and self-righteous. I told him that night that it (his affair) was over. He had to end it. He agreed “of course” as if it were nothing. Ironically, he still says it was nothing and he felt nothing for her. Want to say it with me? “Bullshit!”
But I ended it. The few emails and texts I saw from that they exchanged on discovery day and the day after, before the one phone call… They were carrying per usual. Emails about a work trip, ” x’s and o’s” terms of endearment, flirty emoji’s, an invitation for an adult play date… They weren’t ending their affair! I did!!! And that sucks. I’ve wondered if they’ve talked about future plans and meeting up years from now to rekindle their romance that has spanned most of their lives. As she said in her email to me and the card she sent to my husband… “Her timing was always abysmal.” They both claim commitment to their families so timing would suck right now. She has two girls that are considerably younger than my three… And my husband is crazy for our kids. He might be an asshole to me, but for the most part he’s a great dad. He adores each of them. I know he never considered his actions during his affair would become known to the older 2. If he did, I’m almost positive he would never have done it, or at least ended it much, much sooner. For them.
So I think he’s capable of working on our marriage, at least to see our kids into college… In 4 years our youngest graduates. Honestly, I can too. We have a financial mess we are digging out of. Neither of us would fare well in a divorce. And we have such deep roots in our community. But then 4-5 years he could ask for a divorce. Stating unhappiness, or whatever… The affair long history so no scandal or judgement. Some people just get divorced. Maybe I’m just freaked out by the fact that I ended the affair. So many things could have happened. My husband says that he was feeling pressure and was avoiding her, trying to get her to back off. He was losing interest and felt it becoming more complicated. Maybe he was really thinking those things, but I’ll never know. I have my doubts. In fact, many.
So, here I am. Blogging about events that unfolded six months ago, in one phone call, about this time on a Tuesday. A few days following a full blood moon. Weird, right?
My husband doesn’t know that it’s been six months since he talked with her.
I don’t really know what we are doing. We ain’t reconciling. We aren’t really doing anything. We are co-habitating and living like roomies. I’m still carrying the work load of wife/mom at home. At least trying to. Hysterical bonding is months past. We’ve not made love in weeks. Honestly I got tired of the “hysterical” part… The sobbing that always came after.. So we are back to where he and I were. In a happy sexless marriage that ultimately led him to pursue a sexual affair. I told him about a month ago that I couldn’t keep up the sex with him just to keep him happy. That he had to show interest in me and make advances toward me. I was always the pursuer… He’s made few weak passive suggestions that were twisted to make me pursue him. But I didn’t. It’s his move and he’s not doing anything. Actions speak louder…
But we get along. I think we’re doing okay at faking it…
Here lies my dilemma. Do I want to fake it? For how long? I’m almost 47. Is this what I want to do for the next however many years… Or do I want to actively work to recover from this fucking disaster my husband has left us in. I know I’m going to do the work. Sure he’ll work along with me so long as I do the work… But I’m not sure that’s who I am for him anymore. I don’t want to hold his hand. I want him to man up and fix this mess and spend every day trying to assure me he’s never ever going to make such miserable choices again. That he’ll never cheat. But he doesn’t. He behaves exactly as he did for the past 18 years. Like nothing has happened. At least “not that big a deal.”
Is he so emotionally shallow and apathetic that he truly is “over it?” That’s what I seem focused on right now. And each day assures me that he is indeed both. He asked me a few days ago what was wrong.. I’ve been quiet for weeks. He finally noticed. After an awkward date night this past Saturday. I really don’t remember what specifically pissed me off but we were out to dinner at Applebee’s, our favorite go-to. And I was suddenly at a boiling point.
I ordered my second margarita and said “this is either going to make me drunk enough to tell you what I’m really thinking. Or it will make me fall asleep and keep my mouth shut.” I put the opportunity out there and he never asked. We kept casual conversation through dinner watching the final four and enjoying a new appetizer. We went home and I indeed fell asleep watching t.v. We were waiting for kids to get home. Then went to bed, got up the next day and have never said a word.
So he asked me “What’s wrong?” Passive interest. And this was all the days before the six month anniversary. He seems clueless to. He just doesn’t get it.
I responded just as passively and with a bit of exasperation, “just the same shit, darling.” He just rolled his eyes and frowned as he walked away.
Neither did I.
we are both pretty good at faking it.