One phone call

Doesn’t matter how hard I try, It just doesn’t make sense to me. In the years that my husband and Mouse had their affair, there’s just one phone call. He insists that is the only call he ever made to her. I questioned her about it in an email She replied that “texting” was his preferred method of communicating.

That at one phone call was made 6 months ago, The morning after I confronted him after discovering he has been having an affair.

It was a Tuesday morning, he left for work. She texted him, inviting him to her lake house for an adult playdate the following Saturday. He responded “that can’t happen… My wife knows about the affair. She replied with a few panicky texts trying to find out what I knew and if I knew who she was. She expresses concern that I would tell her husband and how damaging that would be. My husband then called her and they talked for 13 minutes. He made this call at work.

This became the ” NC” or “no contact” call. As far as I’m able to tell, there has been none since. She did send him a card with a letter to his workplace the following week. He promptly told me about and read in front of me when I got home. Other than “my letters to the other woman,” that her and I exchanged a month later, there’s been no further contact from her.

There are several things I struggle with…

One phone call. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to resolve in my head that they only shared ONE phone call in years, yes years. How is that possible? Sure they could both be telling me the truth. But I don’t believe it. My husband and she both have work numbers in their offices. My husband has a pager. You can pick up trac phones anywhere, cheap and easy! Then I try to resolve these in my head… All the texts from their personal phone. (I can see 15 months worth…) So maybe there was no trac phone, right? … Because why would they only talk on it… But maybe you can’t text from trac phones. Although I’m pretty sure you can. They could have talked from their work numbers. I’d have no way of knowing. My husband suggested I request the records from work if I didn’t believe him. Only problem with that is he knows I won’t.

Why won’t I? I sure wish I could answer that. I think the simplest answers I have is this: it would draw way too much attention. He could lose his job. If it was pursued by his employer, she could lose hers as well. (Not that I care about her.) They both hold mid-upper level management positions in the healthcare industry. I truly believe that they were both selfish lying idiots that never considered the ramifications and consequences for their actions. They were alone in their affair and nobody was going to find out. They both claim I was the third person to know about the affair. To date my husband still hasn’t told a soul. Not one.

What I really wish would happen is that my husband would fess up. Admit that there were calls made from his work number or wherever, But maybe he’s telling me the truth. I doubt it.

Then there’s the fact that I ended the affair. The evening before the phone call was when I confronted him. I’d discover that day that he was indeed having an affair and at that point in time only suspected  it had been going on for a year. It was an angry tearful confrontation. My husband acting indignant and self-righteous. I told him that night that it (his affair) was over. He had to end it. He agreed “of course” as if it were nothing. Ironically, he still says it was nothing and he felt nothing for her. Want to say it with me? “Bullshit!”

But I ended it. The few emails and texts I saw from that they exchanged on discovery day and the day after, before the one phone call… They were carrying per usual. Emails about a work trip, ” x’s and o’s” terms of endearment, flirty emoji’s, an invitation for an adult play date… They weren’t ending their affair! I did!!! And that sucks. I’ve wondered if they’ve talked about future plans and meeting up years from now to rekindle their romance that has spanned most of their lives. As she said in her email to me and the card she sent to my husband… “Her timing was always abysmal.”  They both claim commitment to their families so timing would suck right now. She has two girls that are considerably younger than my three… And my husband is crazy for our kids. He might be an asshole to me, but for the most part he’s a great dad. He adores each of them. I know he never considered his actions during his affair would become  known to the older 2. If he did, I’m almost positive he would never have done it, or at least ended it much, much sooner. For them.

So I think he’s capable of working on our marriage, at least to see our kids into college… In 4 years our youngest graduates. Honestly, I can too. We have a financial mess we are digging out of. Neither of us would fare well in a divorce. And we have such deep roots in our community. But then 4-5 years he could ask for a divorce. Stating unhappiness, or whatever… The affair long history so no scandal or judgement. Some people just get divorced. Maybe I’m just freaked out by the fact that I ended the affair. So many things could have happened. My husband says that he was feeling pressure and was avoiding her, trying to get her to back off. He was losing interest and felt it becoming more complicated. Maybe he was really thinking those things, but I’ll never know. I have my doubts. In fact, many.

So, here I am. Blogging about events that unfolded six months ago, in one phone call, about this time on a Tuesday. A few days following a full blood moon. Weird, right?

My husband doesn’t know that it’s been six months since he talked with her.

I don’t really know what we are doing. We ain’t reconciling. We aren’t really doing anything. We are co-habitating and living like roomies. I’m still carrying the work load of wife/mom at home. At least trying to. Hysterical bonding is months past.  We’ve not made love in weeks. Honestly I got tired of the “hysterical” part… The sobbing that always came after.. So we are back to where he and I were. In a happy sexless marriage that ultimately led him to pursue a sexual affair. I told him about a month ago that I couldn’t keep up the sex with him just to keep him happy. That he had to show interest in me and make advances toward me. I was always the pursuer… He’s made few weak passive suggestions that were twisted to make me pursue him. But I didn’t. It’s his move and he’s not doing anything. Actions speak louder…

But we get along. I think we’re doing okay at faking it…

Here lies my dilemma. Do I want to fake it? For how long?  I’m almost 47. Is this what I want to do for the next however many years… Or do I want to actively work to recover from this fucking disaster my husband has left us in. I know I’m going to do the work. Sure he’ll work along with me so long as I do the work… But I’m not sure that’s who I am for him anymore. I don’t want to hold his hand. I want him to man up and fix this mess and spend every day trying to assure me he’s never ever going to make such miserable choices again. That he’ll never cheat. But he doesn’t. He behaves exactly as he did for the past 18 years. Like nothing has happened. At least “not that big a deal.”

Is he so emotionally shallow and apathetic that he truly is “over it?” That’s what I seem focused on right now. And each day assures me that he is indeed both. He asked me a few days ago what was wrong.. I’ve been quiet for weeks. He finally noticed. After an awkward date night this past Saturday. I really don’t remember what specifically pissed me off but we were out to dinner at Applebee’s, our favorite go-to. And I was suddenly at a boiling point.

I ordered my second margarita and said “this is either going to make me drunk enough to tell you what I’m really thinking. Or it will make me fall asleep and keep my mouth shut.” I put the opportunity out there and he never asked. We kept casual conversation through dinner watching the final four and enjoying a new appetizer.  We went home and I indeed fell asleep watching t.v. We were waiting for kids to get home. Then went to bed, got up the next day and have never said a word.

So he asked me “What’s wrong?” Passive interest. And this was all the days before the six month anniversary. He seems clueless to. He just doesn’t get it.

I responded just as passively and with a bit of exasperation, “just the same shit, darling.” He just rolled his eyes and frowned as he walked away.

Neither did I.

we are both pretty good at faking it.

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27 thoughts on “One phone call

  1. WOW… your situation sounds so familiar to me, altho my husband’s whore wasn’t someone he’d known for years just a work colleague. Your husband has to talk. If he wants to fix this shit he needs to talk. Has he read any books? My husband isn’t much of a talker… and maybe thats why your husband and mine referred to text their whores. I think they think if they keep quiet, don’t mention it, it’ll all go away. They don’t realize that for us, it will never go away. It will always be there. Hope your husband grows some balls so that he can start to open up to you and help you try to move forward from this shit storm xx

    Liked by 5 people

    1. That’s exactly what he needs to do, but I don’t think he can. I’m truly starting to see major things in him that now, in light of his affair know that Im not willing to tolerate anymore. And he’s brushed it all off. Like nothing. Which he insists the affair was. That she was. Nothing

      Liked by 3 people

  2. And then you ask yourself, “if she was nothing, why in the world did you jeopardize everything for nothing” right?? Thats exactly what I ask myself. If I was going to risk my entire life for someone, you’d be damn sure I thought they were worth risking it all for!! My husband still has a hard time saying anything other than the occasional “sorry”. It pains me no end.

    Liked by 7 people

    1. Im right there with you. Although I also think that “nothing” was a big fucking lie. He did feel something for her som fondest or infatuations even. But something, sure as hell not “nothing” but he won’t fess up. Thinks he’s protecting me. So nothing is his cop-out. I can’t argue it with him. It’s endless. Exasperating!
      And then the more unstable and insane notion. What if it really was nothing and I really am making it a big deal. Maybe I’m loosing my fucking mind and it really is no big fuckingdeal. Everybody cheats. Maybe something’s wrong with me and I’m not coping. Because how could something, that was nothing leave me such a mess?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Don’t question your own sanity – an affair will do this to, as thoughts of craziness swamp your brain. “Nothing” IS a big fucking lie. If nothing else, they felt warm and admired and important and respected. By “nothing” they mean “not enough to leave you for her”. Whenever I get the answer “nothing” I feel my blood simmer. It eventually boils over… SWxo

        Liked by 4 people

  3. I struggle with the fact that my finding out is what caused the affair to end as well. My husband tells me that he wanted to end it but couldn’t figure out a way to end it that would also keep me from finding out (he thought she’d come running to tell me as punishment). Still, I think that’s a cowards excuse. It sucks knowing that it would likely still be going on if I hadn’t found out.

    Liked by 5 people

    1. You are not alone in that feeling. I ended my husband’s affair as well. Makes me feel like his parent scolding him for his indecent behavior when he is an adult and couldn’t keep tabs on himself.

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I’m honestly not sure there’s solace in any form. It all sucks. I agree…

        My husband once said to me in only his best version of stupid man “I wish I had confessed.” All I could think and feel was how utterly pathetic and selfish. I was disgusted with his reply. Confessing to me would only relieve him of his guilt. He wouldn’t have to live with his vile mistake alone, would have been the hero, instead of looser. Because he was man enough, had integrity enough to confess. Bullshit.. Yet sometimes I wish I didn’t know. Truly this has been irrevocably life changing. What I was once a happy enough marriage, isn’t anymore. I’m going thru the deeper shit that led to him having an affair. And I’m seeing a pattern and identifying behaviors that I don’t think I can tolerate. Im just not at a point that I know exactly what to do.

        So in the meantime I just keep trudging along in the pattern we always revert to, because it works.

        How do I get out of this?

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  4. Same here, ladies. If not for me, they’d be fuck buddies at work (even though he said she ended it a few weeks before dday).

    Men won’t talk. They are not wired that way. Only in therapy did J feel safe to express things. They have gotten better but I’ll never know everything. It’s still infuriating and I can’t trust 100% until that f’ing bitch dies.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. I know, at least from my point of view, that it shouldn’t matter whether the affair meant anything or not. The problem NOW is your marriage. Obviously he thought there was something wrong or he wouldn’t have done what he did, which means he has to want to work to fix the marriage.

    If he insists that nothing is wrong and he doesn’t want to take steps to fix the problems that he has caused then it sounds like he doesn’t want to be there.

    I know I have worked hard to fix my mistakes and am still working on it and will work on it until I die. If I want to be here then I have to put in the work to want my wife to want me here and she is doing the same.

    Just my two cents…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. “It shouldn’t matter” – but loving women’s brains are not able to discount this. It does matter to us. Saying the past is done, look to the future is a great idea. But emotions unfortunately are not that neat, dammit! It does matter. It is heartbreaking when one person checks out of what the other partner thought and FELT was a fulfilling and deeply connected and loving partnership

      Liked by 3 people

    2. It shouldn’t matter.. And really it doesn’t in the scheme of things.

      And the problem is our marriage. Was when he was having his affair too, but opted to check out and carry on like an asshole.

      Now that he’s been caught, and my life is blown up, he weasels right back in like it was no big deal. Continues to “not remember” details… Sweeps all the debris in a net compartment and buries it away.

      He says he wants to be here. And he is. It feels exactly like tha happily enough married life we were living before he explored his options.

      Not sure it’s good enough anymore.

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  6. My husband’s affair went on for six months and yes, I HATE that HE didn’t end the affair, I FUCKING ENDED IT! I pulled all of his phone records and guess what? No phone calls to her. He swears they didn’t “talk”via any other medium besides a dating instant messenger service. They (him and the whore) agreed from the beginning that there would be no phone calls. It was too risky – phone calls can be traced/discovered. I mean he could have talked to her on his work number, how would I know? I have an incredible time believing they didn’t talk more. I struggle with this on a regular basis. But I suppose it is possible…
    As for the sexless marriage, I hear you. We hit that point for a while. It takes a lot of time to make sex regular again.
    You and I are at similar ages and have been with our husbands for similar lengths of time but my children are much younger than yours – my eldest is just 6. I would like to keep my family together, even if my husband was a dick by having an affair. What gets me is that my husband grew up in a family where his dad left his mum (affair with a mum from their kids’ school – UGH) and absolutely hated growing up away from his dad. And yet here is ready to dump the same shit on his kids. Research has shown than men whose fathers had affairs are more likely to cheat on their own partners, hence my fear of my children discovering their father’s indiscretion. This is a shit of a road to travel. Thank you for sharing. SWxo

    Liked by 4 people

  7. I wish I could agree that the reason people cheat is because they are unhappy at home. I know of two cases where the Cheater met the AP at work. One cheater, my relative, is a woman. She has admitted that if she had not met the OM she would still be married to her first husband. There was nothing wrong with her marriage, she just fell in love with someone else. It tore up two families. The second Cheater is the son of a friend of mine. Same thing. Sometimes people cheat because they want to. When the young man left his first wife she almost didn’t make it. She finally met someone else and is happily remarried but her pain was awful.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. i think it goes both ways.. Happy or unhappy. either can cheat. I’ve seen and read about both.

    I didn’t realize how unhappy my H was… Not happy enough to leave me, but not unhappy enough to address anything with me either.. And I gave him many opportunities.. I asked him too many times to tell me what was going on in his life…”nothing babe”

    Now he professes happiness and desire to be here. His actions suck.

    And now what was “happy enough” isn’t enough for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I sure as hell don’t want to tell anyone how to live their life but……..some questions. Are you happier when you are with him or without him? Are you happier when you talk to him on the phone or when you don’t. Are you happier when you interact with him in anyway or are you not? Life is too short to wake up every day worrying, agonizing, grieving when you don’t have to. I am married but there was a really bad time when he or I might have left if we could. I was a sahm but I hustled out and got myself a job ASAP. I got my validation from my clients and co-workers and stopped putting up with his shit. Turns out that the old cliche is true. You teach people how to treat you. He is a different person because I am. I don’t take being treated badly by anyone. No chip on my shoulder, just put a stop to anyone who thinks I deserve anything but their best. You were lied to, cheated on and possibly exposed to std. If he has shrugged it off he is a glorified piece of shit. Look after yourself.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. ❤️ Thank you for your concern. I am coming to terms with what my marriage is all about. I’m going thru the ashes and trying to see what is salvageable. Sadly I’m struggling to find anything.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. Feeling your frustration and your pain Rac. You are not in a great place now and you need to let him know how you are feeling. He also needs to know that he needs to step up and do some hard work. He needs to remember when you ask him things. He needs to make you feel special and loved and wanted. Your sex life after the hysterical bonding needs to become more loving and intimate or like you said you will both start to move apart. You will detach because he is not doing the work to show you he cares. I am just over one year past DD and we struggle because it is such hard work to reconcile but it is two steps forward and one step back but with each meltdown that I have and the following crying and communication it seems to take both of us to a closer and more understanding of where each of us are at in the healing. H spent a lot of the time in earlier meltdowns closing down and not facing the reality of my pain but he is now learning that he needs to. It is not nice for him to have to face his disgusting behaviour time and time again but he needs to own it so it helps me move past it. It is not just up to you to salvage the marriage , he needs to understand that.
    Doug and Linda’s e book on how to heal was a real eye opener for my H. He had no idea of what to do or what to say or even how to behave with my meltdowns but this book gave him some direction.
    I hope your path improves in a positive direction. Xxxx hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My husband has pretty much swept it under the rug.He’s over it. He’s admitted he’s happy, now. Although he doesn’t elabotate. He loves me. I believe he believes that. But it’s not the kind of love that I want to nature anymore. I don’t know if I want to rekindle the intimacy from years ago.. Just all seems like more work than it’s worth. Work that I will have to the majority of. I just need to figure things out and decide what I want and then how to achieve it… Whatever it may be. For now we get along. I don’t bring up the affair much at all really. I got the same vague stupid meaningless responses. So all appears good in my life… Because hubby doesn’t ask. And I don’t offer…

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      1. This is only my opinion and what some of my experiences have been and some of the things I have said to my husband. Now, my husband is quite an emotional retard or I should say was. He seems to be getting it all bit by bit because if he wasn’t then there would be no point in trying to reconcile. They can’t sweep issues under the rug. They have to face up to their emotions and let them out and talk about it. How can your H be happy when he knows that you haven’t really moved on. My H thought that if I did not bring up stuff then everything must be ok. Trouble is that it isn’t and I would explode and at times those explosions were massive. I told H that saying he could not remember is just not good enough. He was made to remember. It took him a year to give me a timeline. He was really scared of doing that timeline but in the end it was done and he said it really helped him. It helped him think about the whys and confront his feelings at the time. We are able to talk calmly about his affairs and liasons most of the time and he can even delve into his feelings when he made those decisions to deceive. He is now able to freely confront his behaviour and understand why he did what he did and it has helped him heal so much. It also helped me understand what was going through his stupid mind as well.
        The biggest thing we are finding that is helping us is being free to communicate. To not be scared to bring up an issue. I can get quite obsessive about certain past incidences and if I can’t talk to him about it then they just build up. He also needs to know that he has to do everything he can to help me heal but I need to know there are limitations where I need to take him into consideration as well. The marriage that we had for 30 years no longer exists. We had so many good and wonderful years but they are overshadowed by his selfish perceived needs and deceit so in my mind that relationship is over and done with. Finished. He was emotionally immature.
        We are now trying to build a new relationship. One that is built on communication of emotions and feelings and honesty. He says it is so simple for him now to be honest and true and he feels happier with himself. He is even starting to like himself and with that he is becoming a more kind and considerate human being. He would not be here without all the hard work we have equally put in. Equally!!!! It is not up to you to do the hard work. He needs to meet you half way. He needs to to understand this.
        I hope this helps you. I hope you are able to communicate deeply about your feelings fears and future and I hope that he can see that he needs to take an active part to helping you. You cannot go on the way you are at the moment.
        I wish you well xxxx hug.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. Back up to your comment above, my husband also wished he had confessed and after really digging deep with that, I wish he had too. Not because misery wanted company, but because it would have meant that he had gained some strength and control over his addiction. In your husband’s case, I’m sure it wasn’t that he wanted to bring you into it, but that he wishes he could have been stronger, manned up as they say. Not making excuses for the cheaters, just trying to understand them… a little. The reason I wish my husband had come clean is because it would have meant he was coming to terms with what he was. INSTEAD, I have to re-live that horrible old woman’s smoker voice (which in his addicted state he found “sexy”) playing over and over in my head about how she had a relationship with my husband for 10 years and how she traveled all over the world with him and then hearing her say my son’s name… for that reason alone I wish he had told me himself. Her voice still haunts my nightmares!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t even imagine the horror of finding out like you did ❤️ And then putting up with her stalking you. She is truly crazy. In your situation I guess he would have been better to fess up to the mess. But it’s still all cheaters cheating and it sucks.
      Xo

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Wow just found your blog! Thanks for sharing your story. I am about 4 months from DDay and also still struggle with the fact that he ended it because I found out…pisses me off. He also claims she meant “nothing” to him was just about sex but really? Why did he spends a total of 18 months texting her daily? they only met in person 3 times (only had sex 3 times on two of those occasions) seems like a lot of time spent texting someone that meant “nothing” to you?!?!? He always says it meant nothing and he was planning on ending it…nice try I call bullshit. Hard to move on when it feels like I don’t know the whole truth. We have told no one, the only people I have talked to about this is our counsellor and him, this makes me feel so alone in all of this so I am so thankful for people like you who share their stories it makes me feel less alone and not so crazy!

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