Seeking Council ..

So I finally did it. I made an appointment with a councilor “Jstew” for 3/17 at noon. It seems like no big deal, but it is for me. I’ve put it off far too long. I seem to be stuck at a place of being afraid to feel most anything. Except sadness, pain and grief. I’m not the “clinically depressed, that you can treat with Paxil.” and it goes away. I just can’t move forward. Or when I do, I creep along and only gain inches. I’m afraid of moving. Mostly because of all the things I don’t know. Somehow I’ve decided that I’m protecting myself by not asking the questions. Because I’m afraid of the answers. I keep telling myself that those answers are just “details” that “don’t matter” anyhow… I struggle to get past this… I’m also afraid that any answers and information will make this all more unbearable.

We had a lovely evening last night. I made one of my family’s favorite meals. It has no name, it’s really just “my own” dish. (I am a chef-wanna-be and food-prep junkie; cooking is one of “my favorite things.”) The dish quite simple; chicken cutlets sautéed in EVOO, fresh garlic and Italian herbs, just until it blackens and then de-glazed with a bit of water. (Last evening I used wine, as I poured myself a refill.) I added a side of Parmesan cheese angel-hair pasta, fresh-steamed Brocollini and roasted Brussels sprouts. It was a delicious meal and I had fun making it. Even better, I knew that everyone would enjoy the food I’d prepared. We also had a guest. My DD#2’s boyfriend was here. He’s a kind young man and he adores my daughter. There was activity, easy conversation and casual laughter about the house throughout the evening. My son got home with our youngest and the banter became more animated. All of us around the dinner table…My husband and I sipping wine and playing a trivia game and the kids all helping us, while doing homework.  It was all so pleasant and comfortable. It felt like what “normal” used to feel like.

I woke up feeling cheated again. Still sad, afraid. Lonely. I let down my shield and allowed my self to “just be” so that it doesn’t hurt. I dared to remember how silly, carefree and simply happy I could be with such mundane things, and at the same time feeling like I was going thru the motions “trying” to feel all those things. I know, it doesn’t make sense.

That’s what I mean. Stuck. And then I get angry. At my husband. And her. Because he cheated on me. They cheated me. I’m stuck, feel stuck, because of him. Because of them (spit.gag.puke.) She, Mouse, squeaked her feeble excuse and weak apology. Then blocked, erased and deleted the affair away and retreated back into her fucking hole of a life. Then there’s my husband, who has just moved on past the whole “Oops I tripped over my fucking self. Sure hope nobody saw me *blush* *blush* , *shrug* *Oh, and BTW, sorry I broke “you” when I fell on my fucking face.”

He “doesn’t recall” and “doesn’t remember.” He insists the whole affair was “Nothing.” And that it’s me, ME making it a big deal. “Well, excuse me? Isn’t having a fucking affair and cheating on your wife, lying to your wife for YEARS a big fucking deal??? He’s so fucking passive!!! He’s cheating his way “out” of his affair. Not taking a hard fucking look at himself to see why and how he could do this to me. To us. To Himself. He’s not doing a fucking thing. So, really it’s because of him I feel stuck. But, I can’t change or fix him. I can’t control his actions or choices. The only place I can start is with me. See if I can get “unstuck” and find some way to move forward… or somewhere. Anywhere but stuck. Here sucks.

My mind is all over the place about”where I should start” with Jstew next week. I’m putting in the work to mend my bruised, battered and broken heart. I want to go all in, lay all my shit out there so she knows where I am and we can get me unstuck as soon as possible. I don’t want to waste weeks rehashing my life and what got me here, where I am.. Under what feels like a shit pile the size of Kilimanjaro. I don’t want to waste time getting to a point where I can start to feel better. I want to feel better now. I hope to soon. So I think I can write it all out. Here in my blog.

I’m thinking that I’m going to use my blog as a way for her to understand me. If I end up not sharing it I’ll at least chronicle about “My life as told by me.”

So today I feel like I’m taking a step forward, toward me. Simple really but a bigger one that I’ve taken and one that I’ve been afraid to take…

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9 thoughts on “Seeking Council ..

  1. Definitely good luck with a counselor to you. Hopefully you will like this person you see on Tuesday. If not, don’t be afraid to find someone else. You are doing this for you!! I would share what you like (blog etc….) as what you say can only help you. I love your descriptions in this post of your husband stumbling over himself, mine did the same thing!! Apparently it warrants inconsequentiality on my part – NOT. Please let us know how your appointment goes. I wish you happiness and self-love.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I also want to congratulate you on doing what you need to – to take care of yourself. I am a huge believer in the power of a good therapist. I will echo what others have said – if this one isn’t a good fit, keep looking until you find one that is.
    One thing that I learned, that I hope will help you, is that your healing isn’t dependent on him. Its for you. To make you whole and happy again. You healing and your relationship healing are two different things. What you need to do to heal for yourself – is all up to you. Unfair. But true. It comes from building your self esteem. Taking good care of yourself. Letting go a little of worrying so much about your husband. And learning to accept the reality of his actions. You most likely will never know all the details. And you have to learn to accept it. Sucks. Not right. But its what you need for YOU. When we look to our husbands to try and heal us, we are giving all our power to them. We are at their mercy. I say, screw that. I’m in charge of my life and how I feel (obviously still a work in progress). I’m in no way minimizing your pain. I feel it too. I get sucked into the darkness and have to claw my way out. Just trying to share some things that have helped me along the way.
    If he’s an ass and won’t talk and won’t take responsibility for his actions, then perhaps your marriage doesn’t heal. Or perhaps, with therapy, he will learn to be more self-reflective and open up more. Or perhaps, when he sees you making changes in yourself, he’ll jump on the train and get with the program. For your sake, you can’t worry about his actions. Because you have no control over his behavior. Only yours – and how you react to his.
    I hope this is encouraging and helpful. Its was an “a-ha” moment for me when it finally all clicked. I realize all this, but I’m certainly not there with the acceptance yet. It takes time and processing. So don’t beat yourself up. You are grieving a major loss. There is no right way to do it, no specific timeline. You just have to feel it and work through the best you can. I am glad that you recognize your being stuck and are getting help. That’s a huge step in the right direction. Best wishes and keep us posted.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Good luck with therapy. It has been a mixed bag for me, but I have learned some about myself and also learned some coping skills, but most of all, I learned that I am strong enough to leave if I need to. Just knowing that helps put everything into perspective. There is no quick fix or miracle treatment (obviously, look at me, still crying, still writing, still venting four therapists later) but a good therapist will help you realize you are strong enough to take care of yourself. Hugs to you on this new step of your journey. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Seeing someone just for you is HUGE. It’s the first step in what I hope are many steps in taking more and more care of yourself. I am and it’s been really wonderful and healing because I know I’m in charge of it. He can’t do it for me so I’m done living like that.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Oh dear.
    I am really really am trying very very hard not to er ahem to tell you exactly what I think of him.
    So I’ll just say to you,

    and

    Like

  6. I see you started following my blog. So I read some of yours. I am sorry you are going this. I can’t begin to fathom how he can take all this as lightly as you say he is. I ache every day for the pain I put on my wife and daughters and our friend’s that we have told. I hope you find some peace in your counseling. As you saw I am the cheater and nothing has changed my life more than what happened. I wish you nothing but the best. I wish I could say something more that would provide any type of peace to you.

    Liked by 2 people

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