She was always there….

She being the “other woman.”  She has always been there and I didn’t know. Believe me, it’s one of my biggest questions. Why and how did I not know about her? Biggest reason is the obvious, my husband told me very little about her. What very little he did share, was benign.

Their story goes like this…

She was his youngest sister’s friend. Apparently, her home life wasn’t good and at some point when they were in high school, she moved in with my husbands’ family.  During these few years, he became her “first.” I surely don’t know all the sordid details of their earlier years, and in the big scheme don’t matter by themselves. But it is where it  all started.

At some point she moved out. She followed a difficult path. She got pregnant in high school and dropped out.

After high school, my husband moved out and away from home. They “hooked up” a few times … She even had hoped that they would be together and he would help raise her baby.

At some point they lost touch, he went on and got married and then divorced. He doesn’t recall any contact with her when he was married to his first wife.

In 1997, early into our relationship, I got pregnant. He was quite upset about it and sought her for comfort. They met for lunch and he invited her to his apartment. She declined. I only learned about this lunch from the emails that I exchanged with her. My husband still doesn’t recall this lunch…

In 1999 or 2000, we ran into her at the mall during the Christmas season. Again, I learned this from the emails. I may some faint memory of meeting her, but honestly don’t know. My husband again doesn’t recall this happening. This would be the only time I ever met her.

In 2009 they reconnected on Facebook. This I knew about. As clear as day, I remember his telling me about her friend request and how excited he was to reconnect with her. Her name came up again shortly after that, when he connected her with  his sister and father. Beyond that I never heard much about her. In all fairness, I didn’t ask about her either.

In 2010, my husband delivered a kitten to her (from a litter our cat had.) My son and several friends were there too, as they were en route to a soccer game.

Just before that, emails and Facebook messages started. Truly if I was aware of it then, I would have been fine with it. She was an old high school friend. It’s only in light of their affair that I should have known about the “friendship”, and what their relationship was really about. My husband knew that, because this is when his lies started… Not lies really, … But omissions. He didn’t tell me that he was kindling a relationship, albeit friendship with a former lover.

Sometime in late 2010 they started meeting for casual coffees and lunches when she was intown. Again, I just didn’t know..

Thru 2011 lunches, coffees and emails continued. They started texting. They met in the late summer for a walk along the bay. He claims that it was all harmless and innocent. Perhaps at the time it truly was. But given that I wasn’t privy to his friendship with her, I don’t see it as either. She was clearly not a friend of our marriage. I saw several emails that they exchanged from that summer, and although there is nothing blatant, I can read the innuendos. She told him in one email that she thought about him that day when she heard the song “Maggie May” on the radio. The emails had flirty undertones and subtle hints of affection.. maybe even innocent enough, if they didn’t commence to fucking…. She was cunningly perusing my husband and he didn’t even recognize it. She was clever and persistent. I really do believe that he wasn’t seeking to have an affair. But she was there. Opportunity knocking.

The texts, emails and messaging continued with a few gaps in time, sometimes even a few months without communication thru late 2013. That is, if I believe the timeline that I’ve created based on what little information I’ve collected and combined:

~the 1000’s of texts they exchanged. I can only see the previous 15 months on my phone bill. And only the time stamps. The first text I ever saw was from him to her, “I miss you too, baby xoxoxox” … Four months ago today, it all started to unravel. The following days I only saw a few more texts. The first, an invite to her beach house. Him replying “that can’t happen,” because <my name> knows. Then, a few stating that it’s over, that “I love my wife.” Her sounding desperate. Concerned that I would expose her to her husband. Asking if I knew who she was, who her husband was. My husband trying to assure her not to worry. That I wouldn’t tell <her husband>, “that he would protect her.

~ONE phone call. Only one, made from his personal iPhone. Thirteen minutes. From him to her, directly after their last exchange of texts. His “No Contact” call, that was made while he was at work. Made the day after I confronted him, demanding to know who she was and what the hell was going on. (The only phone call they expect me to believe they ever shared… I don’t.)  It is however, the only phone call I can see and prove by our phone bill.

~Fifteen or so emails, exchanged from their work email. Archived, so that I could only see the subject line, and sometimes the first sentence or two. One subject line confirmed hotel reservations with a specific date and time. A few exchanging mostly benign details about an upcoming 3 day work related trip they were planning together. One of those less benign, asking him if he wanted his own room.

~the emails exchanged between her and I, that revealed more than my husband still has…

~the countless conversations  we’ve had and explanations I’ve been given by my husband. The reasons, justifications, excuses as why and how. Most of which has left me with still more questions than answers.

From her emails she told me that last December (2013) they had lunch. They talked more directly about consequences of an affair, what they wanted from each other, and ways to move forward more discretely because they didn’t want either spouse to know. This is the point she claims she started keeping her relationship with my husband a secret. From that point on, the number and frequency of texts increased. Then in January, they met for coffee. They parted and she texted him, inviting him to her hotel. He declined, but in the following days texting increased and more emails were exchanged as they made plans to meet at a hotel. And so began their affair…

In our emails, she wrote that she hoped I wouldn’t rewrite history. My husband has stated the same thing. As I see it, I’m not rewriting it. I just wasn’t aware of it. He still insists that I’m trying to make their affair a bigger deal than it was.

But am I? Personally I see it plenty “big” enough. Too fucking big. Why would I try to make it bigger? Sometimes I even try to convince myself that his affair really is or was no “big deal,” even that it didn’t really happen. Those desperate fucking moments when I want an escape this hell I in, in the aftermath of discovering their affair.Their relationship, whatever it was, but apparently “no big deal” evolved into a  sexual tryst 6-8 times. But, she was always there.. And I’m making it more than it was? I don’t think so

It was his fucking affair. And an affair is a big fucking deal. He did it. Not me.


6 thoughts on “She was always there….

  1. I feel the same way. My husband had an affair with a coworker than he worked with for 4 years. Of course she was always there and my husband would come home and tell me tidbits of things about her but he has many many female friends so I didn’t think anything of it at all. I sure got burned big time! It’s so unfair how the cheaters take advantage of our trustworthiness and love.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t even imagine how horrible it would be to have his affair partner work with him.

      My husbands AP lives about an hour away.. They work in the same field and could run into each other someday. Makes me wasn’t to vomit.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. This recommendation might cause discomfort, and for that I apologize up front. But it might also be very consoling and enlightening, so I will share.

    Have you read a book called “Mating in Captivity”? If not, I highly recommend it. It provides a relatively counter intuitive look at relationships but explains a lot.

    I’m a former cheater in a very healthy relationship with a woman who was cheated on.

    This book helped us both.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the book suggestion… I’m an avid reader of most things. Most recently those things are relationship and infidelity related.

      Some books feel less sensitive to those who have been betrayed … Thanks for recognizing that.

      Liked by 2 people

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