Much welcomed New Year…

I haven’t blogged since December 1st. At least here on WordPress. I promise you I’ve “written” many posts in my mind… A novel’s worth! I even find myself editing my thoughts. My mind never stops, Never. I have reviewed, analysed, measured, compared and dissected  my life  more in the last 3 months than I have my entire life. Hindsight is powerful. I wish I could profess that I’m healed and happy and my husband is remorseful, that he loves me and we will live happily ever after. I’m not, he isn’t and fuck happily ever after. He blew that 3 months ago. I’m not a pessimist… If we get thru this post affair hell there will be happiness and ever after… Both redefined from my previously conceived notion of what happily ever after means.

December is past. I survived the holidays, although I must admit, I feel numb and disconnected most of the time. I am sometimes so overcome with grief that I feel like I’m being crushed. I was bombarded with triggers.  We didn’t discuss his affair much at all. By we, I really mean me. He never brings it up. I intentionally avoided talking about it and her to just get thru the holidays. I knew that it was going to take all my energy to get thru them. If I didn’t have 3 teen kids, I would have skipped Christmas. Seriously. I went thru the motions, but put minimal energy into the season. My house was decorated, I baked and wrapped beautiful packages. We shopped together, but with a mental list. I didn’t go browsing thru stores just looking. I approached the holidays this year as a “task.” From that perspective, I succeeded, but my heart was not in it. At all. I was anxiously counting the days until the calendar would read 2015. I had some secret notion that maybe once 2014 was past I would have some sound insight, maybe better understanding and hopefully the answer to my biggest question. “Why?”

I was really planning to post yesterday, January 5th. Again, I did in my mind…it was going to go like this…

Title: pivotal day

January 5th: 18 years ago on this day my husband and I started our whirlwind relationship. I was at a major crossroad in my life. In the year prior to meeting M, I graduated Nursing school and passed my boards,  My grandmother died, I deployed to Saudi Arabia the day after a terrible bombing in Dhahran and spent the next 4 months there. When I returned home, I was different. My life had unequivocally changed. I was 28 and at the precipice of the next phase of my life. I started my first job as a RN, I moved into my own apartment. Tried to find and establish my new normal.

I was having coffee with my friend, Dave, (also friends with my husband since childhood) We had met a few years prior, in Nutrition class I believe. We dated a little, but inevitably became really good friends and for a while roommates, totally platonic. He asked me if I had heard that Michelle and M got divorced. I hadn’t …why would I? I’d met them several times over the years at cookouts and house parties. I certainly had taken notice to M. I ran into him a few times at the hospital where we both worked. We’d stop and talk. I thought him attractive, charismatic and charming, but married. Anyways,  I told Dave he should set us up. He did… The 3 of us met at a local sports pub to hang out and watch a Pats game. We ended up going to M’s apartment with Pizza and hung there instead. I was taken! I left and went home and we ended up talking on the phone for hours! From the very beginning we were almost inseparable. 18 years later here we are.

I’ve wondered the past few days around this anniversary (which suck still) where I’d be if Dave didn’t tell me M got divorced. Would I have run into him at the hospital or somewhere (our paths wouldn’t easily cross)  and him ask me out? Would I have continued in the unhealthy non-committed relationship I’d been in for the past year with Sabby? Or Sean, a hot paratrooper I met in Saudi.. Did we have any potential? I’d been to see him in Florida  the month before… Or Dave, the freaking Male Madonna that I had met just days before I deployed… Who had sent me beautiful letters while I was away. He himself was a Navy Officer, getting ready to deploy. What if I didn’t meet M that day 18 years ago?

What would my story be now? I haven’t really considered it before, but here again…hindsight.  I spent time the past few days trying to sort out what I feel about that day, and that meeting. If I could go back would I choose this path again? Not really a simple answer as most hypothetical questions are difficult. If I didn’t meet him, I wouldn’t have my three amazing and beautiful people that we created. So I believe I would have taken this path, with him. I never anticipated this obstacle in our journey; a point where I need to decide what now? What next? So I’ve concluded that I would not have vested so much trust. I know now, that I will never trust him, or anyone like that again…probably unfair, but I had some serious trust issues growing up. “Trust” is another future blog post…. But I trusted M even when I thought he was irresponsible at times. I believed he would never cheat on me. He told me he never would. Ever. We both agreed that cheating and infidelity are vile and destructive. We’ve seen it destroy families and friends around us. I believed I was safe from that trauma. Not my husband. He wouldn’t do that to me. But BAM! Here I am 3 months post Dday, so yeah, he did it. At least now I can say or think it and not crumble. A month ago it still took my breath away. So I guess that’s something… He came home with a dozen long-stemmed roses to mark our 18 years together. Very sweet and heartfelt, but he didn’t even acknowledge it last year. I do appreciate the gesture. Really I do but what I really want is for him to man up and deal with the last few years of his life, the years they were “just friends,” the last year after they decided to fuck. All the lies, the deception, the omissions. I need him to realize that this is a big deal. He still doesn’t.

I haven’t communicated again with LKL. I don’t think I intend to, although I’ve written many letters (in my mind) to tell her what wretched person I think she is. I have many issues with her, but really it was my husband that violated our marriage. She was just accommodating. I believe in Karma. It will come back and get her. She and her husband are both politically involved. Her husband more so .. I don’t have interest or energy to waste on her. That’s not to say that I don’t… I’ve gone thru our phone bill and all the fucking texts… I’ve compared them to what was going on in my life those days… Like this…

Late last May my son injured his left knee, just a few weeks after being cleared to participate in sports. The previous fall he had his right ACL repaired via reconstruction surgery. This was a major deal for a then 16-year-old athlete with college aspirations for D-1 hockey (his aspiration, not necessarily achievable) but he does have hopes of playing hockey in college. He also plays Lacrosse and Soccer. He’s a great athlete, not “elite” but all around good, coachable, loyal, competitive … Anyways. He hurt his left knee in a Lacrosse game on a Friday and on the following Monday I had him at the orthopedic surgeons office. He went off to see the dr and I waited in the waiting room. She came out to get me and I knew… The poor kid blew his ACL!  Unfuckingbeliveable…  So moms you know that overwhelming thing that happens when your kid is hurt and there’s not a fucking thing you can do about it… A weird desperation to find some way to make it better… Anything to take the pain away for them. I walked into the exam room and my 17-year-old son was sobbing. I swear if I could have hacked off my leg I would have I just wanted to make it stop for him. So anyways…I sent a simple text to my husband…. It’s his ACL. He responded with the cheerleader response that “we’ll get thru it..” One text. When I compared that to the messages he exchanged with LKL… They had been texting back and forth all day…dozens of messages. My little text inserted just moments after texting her. His response to me followed by more texts to her…

He insists that his affair never interfered with our family life. Fucking delusional asshole. He says it was nothing. How is it that this “nothing” of an affair he had destroyed me? How long does it take for him to realize this is a major fucking deal? I’ve not seen him shed a single fucking tear thru this. Not one.

I asked him a few days ago, what he wants from our marriage. His response was “to be happy.” I asked are you? He responded, “yes.” He didn’t asked me what I wanted or if I was happy. He didn’t ask anything…

Happy fucking New Year.

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5 thoughts on “Much welcomed New Year…

  1. This hurts my heart to read. Why don’t the people in affairs realize that any time “given” to their affair is really time STOLEN from their spouse and family? Of course it interferes with family life — in one way or another, it does.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Every second he spent thinking about her, texting or messaging or emailing, fantasizing….every fucking moment that I DIDNT KNOW about her involvement with my husband and our marriage!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Yeah, my husband also said he did everything on “work time.” It didn’t interfere with “our” time. Until I got saw his mobile phone bill (requested from our Controller) and realized he was texting her while sitting across the sofa from me on our 24th wedding anniversary trip to LA. And that during that five day trip, at some point which I still cannot reconcile, he had a 76 minute phone call with her. Before dday, I cannot even remember the last time my husband and I had a 76 minute long conversation. It sounds like your husband has a lot more work to do to get you to a better place. I know my husband sure does as well. Happy New Year to you, Rac!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Rac – I understand your pain. Sometimes I wonder why men cheat and then I remember that they’re just naturally selfish creatures. And we are taught to be selfless. So those bitches that are crappy moms or not wife material are the ones our husbands have “fun” with. While we are busy trying to keep the family in order and together. I truly don’t get it. Isn’t there something so special and sacred to the deep love and commitment we give? Why isn’t it enough? Why is it enough for us? I often ask myself if men are even capable of monogamy. Does everyone cheat?

    Sorry, more questions than answers. I just want you to know I feel your pain. And one thing I’m certain, we do not deserve it. 💐

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your reply here compelled me to post today about monogamy. Cheating really sucks.

      I think there will always be more questions than answers. Always.

      And no, we don’t deserve this pain.
      And no we don’t deserve this aftermath hell an affair.

      Liked by 1 person

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