December 1st…

I need someone to tell me there’s something better. This 8 weeks since Dday has been hell. If it isn’t, I can’t imagine how much worse Hell could be.

I feel like I’m setting myself up to watch a slow motion picture show of what the next year of my life will be like, looking back each day. The betrayal and lies started months before but it was a “long lunch” last December, with conversations around consequences of me and LKL’s husband finding out, and her “needing something just for her” and my husband’s chance at having a “friend with benefits” because that’s why he kept his friendly coffees and lunches over the years secret… In case he got the chance to have sex with her again… This actually makes sense to me in this after affair hell and knowing my husband.  Last December is when the frequency of texts starter and a few suggestive and provocative emails were exchanged.

My husband and I went for a long ride yesterday. I think he’s starting to get how deeply he’s hurt me. I think there’s a reason I heard this song while were being quiet and just were listening to the radio. I cried and told him how truly broken my heart is. Taylor Swift started it with “Back to December.” 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QUwxKWT6m7U.”

i feel compelled to go back thru the phone bill and chart out how many texts were sent each day, and the times. what dates the emails were exchanged. The lunch and coffee dates. The hotel dates when he “worked late.” These are the puzzle pieces I can put together and maybe see a fuller picture in a year. That’s what I hope to gain.. A mostly completed puzzle.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “December 1st…

  1. Getting as many of the pieces of the puzzle is what will help you comprehend what has actually happened to you. It’s the not knowing that I found the hardest thing to deal with… altho often the “knowing” was equally as painful. Eight weeks after the bottom fell out of my world I wasn’t sure I’d survive, but survive i did, and so will you. Just take each day as it comes. Sometimes there will be a step forwards, often times a step or two back, but just keep taking those steps xx

    Liked by 4 people

    1. What PW said. You’ll get plenty of people, including therapists, who will tell you these details aren’t important. That they don’t matter. That there will always be more questions. To that, I say FUCK YOU! I wanted to know everything, and if I ever had more questions, then TOO FUCKING BAD – ANSWER THEM! You are trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together when you’re missing shitloads of pieces! Ask and ask and ask until you have nothing left to ask. Your brain needs to feel satisfied. Until then, it will keep ticking and ticking…and the questions don’t get asked which means they don’t get answered. You are right to ask and investigate until you are satisfied. SWxo

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Just got a chance to read your post. Yeah, the phone records are a bitch to deal with, but for me, it filled in some of the gaps. Even though I only got one year (of the eight), I believe the other years are just more of exactly the same. It answered some of my questions, which was good for me, because the not knowing, was driving me crazy. The actuality of their communication was heartbreaking, but I can heal from that. What I have a hard time healing from, are unanswered questions. I can tell you, almost 11 months in, I no longer think about the details any more. I still find it hard to do stuff, I am still sick a lot, but I no longer cycle through and try to make sense of it. There is no sense to be made of it. I am glad your husband is starting to feel the pain he has caused you. That takes a while. He had to block you out. He wasn’t hurting you on purpose. He was being selfish. I know it is so hard to absorb, and impossible to accept, but it is possible to forgive, if we want to. I hope you get what you need to find peace. Hugs!

    Liked by 3 people

  3. My problem was that when I found out he didn’t end the affair. He just made me feel more like the other woman. Each time he ended it she never left him alone but he refused to block her number. Unfortunately she turned out to be what I can only describe as a vile monster. It was very much them and me. At the eight week stage I couldn’t cope or function on any level. By the time he told her to leave me alone, I had made two suicide attempts. When he eventually came to his senses I weighed barely 5 stones and he realised that he had been utterly cruel and heartless. It’s been over a year now and the pain is still there but I am strong enough to deal with it. I have never felt more loved than I do now. If your husband is who you truly want, you will get there. The journey will not be easy and the details of the affair will rip your heart out but, once you have heard them and processed it all, you will come out the otger side. Stay strong and keep talking. Take one day at a time and don’t think beyond that. I promise it does get better. Hugs x

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I definitely scoured over the phone records too, until I felt satisfied that I had gained all I could from them. For me, knowing the details is better than letting my wandering mind fill in the gaps. There are still gaps to fill in, but we’re working on that.
    You and I have nearly the same D-Day. I’m sorry you’re (we’re) going through this but thank you for sharing your story. It’s sad, but it helps me to see others who feel like I feel right now. It helps to feel like I’m not alone.
    Stay strong, keep moving. You’re doing great.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s