Scattered Thoughts

I want to write, but I don’t know where to start. Here I am. Not sure where this will go. My thoughts are too scattered and jumbled. Everything is running together and I feel like I’m forgetting things. I have moments where I’ve forgotten what he’s done to me, to us… And when remember it hits me like it did 5 weeks ago. I’ve stopped wearing mascara because it just ends up a mess. I cry too often, too easily. I am still overwhelmed with questions and doubt. Everyday I find myself angrier, as he gains still more self-confidence and righteousness. Time is giving him strength and weakening me. He’s falling into the daily pattern of our life as if nothing has happened, or that everything is okay now. After all, one of the many ridiculous reasons he gave for cheating is because he told me years ago he didn’t want a sexless marriage.

Our sex life had dwindled the last 2-3 years. Months would go by sometimes. He did tell me he didn’t want a sexless marriage. That’s all he said, it was in the context of us discussing our sex life. It used to be very good, great even. He is the best lover I’ve ever had. There is something amazing that happens over time with one lover. Intimacy. And we had that. That is what we lost. The intimacy. I value intimacy. He values sex. You can fuck anyone. It can even be mind-blowing. But intimacy.. That is the substance that turns me on and gets me high. Not just the physical aspect. The daily intimacies that husbands and wives share, that we shared. He used to text me sweet messages, and make daily “I love you” calls. He’d call when he was on his way home to see if he could help in some way. It evolved into a daily cut-and-paste text “on my way.”  I hated that message. I stopped responding to it. He stopped sending it. I stopped initiating sex. He stopped trying because he was afraid I would say “no.” He never asked me what was going on with me, or why I lost interest in sex. He stopped listening to my evening banter. I loved to share things I’d learned or gossip or whatever.. Just the bullshit conversations that you have after a crazy day. He would be reading email or looking at his phone. I told him things that he later insists I never told him. I stopped the banter. He didn’t notice. He stopped noticing things done around the house. He stopped noticing me. I told him just a few weeks before discovering his affair, that I had put on about 20 pounds in a little over a year. He didn’t notice. I dyed my hair mid September to my natural color. It was pretty washed out from summer sun and more than a few grays… He didn’t notice. He stopped noticing so many things, so long ago… And along with it went the intimacy.

Now here’s where I’m having a hard time. See, all this time, these years we’ve lacked intimacy, the years he’s been having an affair, I’ve been happy, content. I’d accepted that we’re in a rut, that we would get out of someday. But it was a good rut.  We were together. We are busy getting ourselves financially unfucked. We have 3 teens with very busy social lives, that we’ve given a privileged life and spoiled. We both work full-time plus, with often  unpredictable schedules. We’re a few years older and we get tired! But we hang together and laugh, we watched the whole “Downton Abby” series. Twice. In 4 months! We’ve played cribbage and backgammon dozens of times. Watched many movies. Seen some great documentaries. Gained a lot of knowledge and wisdom. We’ve enjoyed a few beers and bottles of wine, or maybe a cocoa by fires out back on countless nights. We’ve talked about the future, things we want to do after the kids are on their own. We shared our dreams. We enjoyed being together. I’ve enjoyed being with him. I’ve been comfortable. I’ve been happy enough.  I’ve been were I needed to be and that was good. Sometimes it sucked, but we always laughed afterwards. I was content, mindful even. I thought we both were. I was so complacent that I didn’t notice the subtle and not so subtle  signs that he was having an affair. So fucking obvious in hindsight!  I totally fell for him. Totally trusted him. Totally committed to him. Totally loving him. Unconditionally. We were growing old together.  I kept giving and he kept accepting, taking even and now he’s done this to me. This, I don’t even know what it is. After affair hell.

I’ve wished I could go back and not discovered that text message 6 weeks ago. I want to feel the way I felt until I found that first message. If I never discovered it, I wouldn’t feel this. This. After affair hell.  Which feels almost pathetic, to want to feel something that wasn’t even real to begin with. An illusion really. And that’s what I want now. The illusion of what I thought we had, while he was having a fucking affair. Before I found out about it.

I’ve even found myself pissed at him for being careless and letting me find the message. But he hid it for at least 2 years, so he cares about something.

So, regrouping…sexless marriage. Past tense. It’s not sexless anymore. We’ve had sex more in the last 5 weeks than I can now count. A lot of great sex. Hysterical bonding so I read. So were having all this sex, which is great, but it’s only reinforcing him. If I decide to stop fucking him for the next 6 months is he going to go find someone else to fuck again?

So everything in my house looks just the same. And my husband smiles more because he’s getting laid. But if someone can help me figure out who I am, and what I’m supposed to do, I sure could use the advice. I’m the one experiencing something so awful I can’t describe, and he doesn’t notice.

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2 thoughts on “Scattered Thoughts

  1. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re going to feel this way for a very long time. Some things fade with time. Some feelings go away, others come back. It takes somewhere between 6 months and a year for your world to feel right side up again. And when it does you’ll start to settle into your “new normal”. What this means is, you’ll never feel the same about your marriage or your husband again. Some things will be better if you work toward healing together. Some things will be worse, like the constant wondering, thinking about the affair, and suspicion. I am about a year and 3 months from my D-Day and every single day I still think about it, and I’m still on the fence as to whether I can stay in this marriage living this way. From what I’ve read this is completely normal. There several BS’s further along this road than I am (3 years, 4 years, 5 years…) and they all seem to feel the same things. I’m guessing it fades, but it never leaves us entirely. Buckle up, nothing you do will stop the roller coaster of emotions. Hugs! And prayers for strength and clarity. I wish you nothing but the best as you move forward.

    Liked by 2 people

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