One Month Anniversary of Dday

…and if you’ve read thru my blog, you know how I feel about them. Anniversaries suck.

Today is the one month anniversary of Dday. In fact it was just about this time, as I write this, that I was confronting my husband with. I had spent the day searching for evidence that he was having an affair, I searched his email, iPad, Facebook, iMessages and our phone bill. All the electronic data proved that he was having a full-blown emotional and sexual affair and had been for some time. I was unaware just how long. I’m still not confident, but have settled on at least 2 years. It’s open for reevaluation if he ever gives me the truth. Since Dday, I’ve questioned and reevaluated everything in my life. I have started to trust myself and what I’m thinking and feeling.

I’ve  cried a million tears. There’s an endless supply always waiting for the next trigger. There are to many fucking triggers. I have so many doubts and question everything my husband has told me. I don’t believe most of it. He’s still lying, omitting and downplaying. I still have so many questions. Some of them, I’m afraid to ask. Some of them, I don’t want the answer to.

I’m trying to believe the affair is over. I have seen no evidence of any communication via text or email. But I have limited access to his devices. I don’t have the energy or tenacity to search every day, but I Now have an app on my iPad to check the cell phone bill. I want to believe it’s over, but I have my doubts. I’ve asked if she’s contacted him, and he tries to assure me she hasn’t and won’t.

I’ve lost about 15 pound. I’m so tired. Exhausted.  I fall asleep but awake easily. Slumber is often interrupted, sometimes for hours. When I sleep at night, I have strange dreams. A few nights ago I dreamt about bagels. This is what I found when I searched for its meaning:

          “Bagel – To see or eat a bagel in your dream suggests that there is key element missing from your 

          life. You are not completely whole. Alternatively, it refers to sexual urges.”  (I know, right?!?!)

There are many key elements missing and I’m no longer whole. I’m broken. He destroyed me and I haven’t found all of my pieces. My husband and I have had more sex in the last month than we have in the previous 2 years. I now know what hysterical bonding is. In fact I’ve learned a whole new lingo in this betrayed wives club. I know what OW, BS and WS mean. Cheaters sucks.

I’ve thought of dozens of ways to seek revenge on LKL. But I won’t. I’m not vindictive. I wish she was gone, never existed. Vanished. I don’t hate her, but I hate what she and my husband have done to me. I did not deserve this. None of us do. We still don’t.

I’ve reevaluated my 16 year marriage. I know it wasn’t perfect, but I was at a comfortable place and believed that my husband was too. I knew something was going on, for years but that he’s nearing 50 and self reflecting. I’d ask him, but he always assured me he was fine. I had no reason to suspect an affair. I am a naive fool. We’ve talked about our feelings that lead up to the affair. I’ve learned that we were in two very different places. I still never considered he’d have an affair. He told me years ago, he’d never cheat on me. I believed him. I trusted him. He lied.

I don’t know what is going to happen or what will become of our marriage. We both know that what he did is a deal breaker. I’m really not sure I can do it. He isn’t who I thought he was and has been lying to me for years, but I do love him. He’s the father of my 3 beautiful children. He knows all my habits and has seen me at my worst. He’s the best lover I’ve ever had. He knows all of me that I’ve allowed him to know and has stayed with me anyways. I don’t know if I’m in love with him anymore and he knows this. The pain is still so raw and visceral. I still reel at the magnitude of what he has done.

I easily anger at his lack of remorse. I don’t get it. I’ve read many articles and post about this subject and know that it’s still early recovery and he may not show it for a while yet. I’ve told him numerous times, “You don’t get what you’ve done.” He agrees. I’ve asked him, “Why?”,  almost every day. He’s responded with “I don’t know,” “because I could,” “it was just selfish,” and “I didn’t think you’d care.” All those answers suck. There is no good answer. Maybe someday I’ll stop asking.

He tells me he loves me. Sometimes I hate hearing it. I don’t always believe it. I struggle with how someone who love me could be so deceitful. I don’t think he knows that he’s destroyed me. I will never be the same. Our marriage will never be the same. He has to change from the man he’s become over the past few years! Because I don’t know this Man.

Right now I’m taking each day and the struggles they present and managing one day at a time. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but that ok. I’m ok with that. Right now I know I’m right where I should be.

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13 thoughts on “One Month Anniversary of Dday

  1. “I didn’t think you’d care.” My husband muttered that to me once after D Day. Didn’t think I’d care. Well, if you didn’t think I’d care why did you hide what you were doing? Sneak behind my back? Lie? If you didn’t think I’d care why not be honest with me?? Why lie??

    They lied because they knew we’d care. They lied because they wanted to. And they lied because they could. Because we trusted them. Because we never in a million years thought they’d become the cheating assholes they became. Hugs to you.

    One month in… I remember it so well. Sometimes it seems a lifetime ago, and other’s, it seems just like yesterday. xx

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    1. I’ve got some pretty stupid answers and responses from him. Just words strung together to form lies. I don’t think there’s an answer to “why?” that will be anything ridiculous. Even the truth .. Really? What answer I there that will satisfy a betrayed wife.

      A month in, but I’ve a strange perception of time these days and weeks. All the days and nights run together, like one long day. It feels like it is still happening, like I’m still discovering the affair.

      I’m put together on the outside. I have to be, I have 3 busy, involved kids, life is still happening around me, I have a full-time job. Life didn’t stop just because I discovered the affair. He destroyed me. I’m hollow and empty. I’m most comfortable when the kids are at school and he’s left for work. Then all I have to be is me.

      rac

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think back to where I was one month in and I can tell you that you are doing extremely well. Numb on the inside, yes. I don’t think that ever changes. But your head sounds far more together than mine was a month later. I remember saying to my husband after I discovered the affair “WHO ARE YOU?”. I remember looking at him like he was a stranger. Who was this man I married?? The other day I asked him a question that he thought had an obvious answer, and he turned and said “You KNOW me!” I just looked at him blankly and said “I thought I did.” I don’t know if that feeling ever abates. And as for the comment “I didn’t think you’d care”…WTF?? What a fucking cop-out. Seriously, who ARE these men? Love and strength to you. SWxo

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’m doing ok, holding it together. I guess “good” is relative. This is without exception the most difficult experience of my life. Id rather relive puberty and high school!

    My husband has an amazing ability to act like everything is okay. I’ve learned to behave the same way, even when they are not. And things are definately “not ok.”

    It’s surreal. I don’t know who the man is living with me. We get along well enough. It’s easy, and way less painful than dealing with all the after affair shit we have to work thru.

    … I’ve been writing and journaling, and reading. It is an escape, but it’s also therapeutic. Until about 15 years ago I kept a journal but stopped. I don’t know why really.

    This blog is obviously just started, and I do enjoy it. I love creative writing, not that this is terrible creative yet. It was something I wanted to do way back when I was just me. Before baby’s and husbands and homes and pets and responsibilities.

    “Why” is the guestion I struggle with the most. And his answers are ridiculous!
    “Because I can”… So could I asshole. But I didn’t.

    “I didn’t think you’d care” … Who does he think I am? Who is this stupid man? I don’t know what I’ve don’t that makes home think I wouldn’t care. Weak excuse.

    These is no answer that will ever answer the question “why” that will give me any peace.

    Thank you for taking time to respond. I really hate that there’s a group off us here that all know “this” after affair hell. It is comforting to know that someone can relate.

    rac

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  4. Racoro, I’m utterly enamored with you and your blog. Everything you write is amazingly poignant. And you’re so spot on – I read and read and keep thinking to myself, “Yes! Me too!”

    It’s a tragic club we have joined thru no choice of our own. Thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What your feeling is so familiar. One day at a time, just as you are. No need to rush (though I certainly know the impatience with that) I wish I had someone to tell me that early on, but I didn’t hear it for months. You do what you can, until you can’t, that’s all you can. Xo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I can’t right now. All I can manage is this day, sometimes just an hour.

      Today I have plans to go to a holiday open house at my favorite card and gift shop. I don’t think I can do it. It’s an awesome event … Always yummy treats, beautifully displayed gifts and the shop is all glammed up for the holidays. She always gives generous goodie bags.

      I am absolutely dreading the holidays this year. I want to sleep thru them, starting about now…

      Like

      1. I love the holidays. And last year, I didn’t want anything to do with them. I didn’t even get my cards out, and we spent all of them at home which made me feel bad, because I’m always a joiner, I don’t like letting people down. I feel much better this year…as of right now, course that could change in an hour 😉

        You do what you can from hour to hour, minute by minute. You need to heal your wounds before you can take on the world.

        If going to this card even makes you happy, then go, you can always leave when you want, but at least you won’t spend the day upset because you couldn’t, or wishing you had. I got myself out of the house as much as I could, and I’m glad, it opened my eyes to so many things, gave me a brighter outlook as well.big hugs, and I hope you have fun today.

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