About 25 years ago, I had an affair with a married man. I was the other woman.
I was in the USAF, and worked with Tim. I befriended him and his wife Tanya. She and I became friends. We partied and had cookouts together. She told me they we’re trying to have a baby. He and I traveled together. He flirted with me, made physical passes. I pushed him away but ultimately I didn’t resist. We had an affair, a full-blown emotional and sexual affair. And then she found out.
It was amazing and intoxicating and infatuating. It felt so naughty and sexy. I was selfish and destructive; reckless, egocentric and immature, even a bit narcissistic and entitled. I didn’t give a damn about Tanya. I was so many hurtful things.
My timeline is very vague. I don’t recall how long it lasted. I don’t know how many times we had sex. I don’t remember the specifics of Tanya finding out about the affair, or if we said “I love you.” I don’t remember any special gifts or notes or cards. Up until recently, I hadn’t thought about in years, maybe a decade, and I never thought about it in any great depth.
I have now. A lot. I saw her crying and she followed me a few times in the short time that I was there after her discovery. I had already planned to move a few states away before she found out. I know that the details that I have long forgotten are etched in her memory. I have no doubt that I could ask her today and she could give me many more details than I’ll ever recall.
I’ve looked for her on Google and Facebook. Their last name is simple but I don’t even remember how to spell it. I don’t have the energy to search the thousands of results that came up, because I just don’t remember enough details to make it a reasonable search.
If I could find her I would tell her that I’m sorry now, for all the hurt and destruction I caused her back then, for my part in it. I sure wasn’t sorry then. I doubt she’d care to hear it. It’s unlikely she would even listen. I know I don’t ever want to hear from LKL. I wish she would disappear. I wish she never existed.
It’s unlikely that I’d ever find Tanya. If I did find her, I really doubt I’d contact her. I don’t want to remind her of the pain way back then, but I doubt she’s forgotten it. It would be rather selfish to reach out to her now. It least it feels that way and that’s what I’m telling myself. It was several lifetimes ago and so much time has passed. I would hope that she knows its not out of selfishness this time. This time it’s from someone knows what that destruction is. I hold out hope that time will make this pain ease. I know that the further I can get away from LMK in time, distance and memory the better. I can only dream of the day when I look back and think that it’s been years since the affair. Time is a buffer. I know what that pain and destruction is, that I caused her way back then. It’s mine now.
So if someone knows Tanya B–d from Kentucky can you please tell her that Karma Is a Big Fucking Bitch!