Karma is a Bitch!

About 25 years ago, I had an affair with a married man. I was the other woman.

I was in the USAF, and worked with Tim. I befriended him and his wife Tanya. She and I became friends. We partied and had cookouts together. She told me they we’re trying to have a baby. He and I traveled together. He flirted with me, made physical passes. I pushed him away but ultimately I didn’t  resist. We had an affair, a full-blown emotional and sexual affair. And then she found out.

It was amazing and intoxicating and infatuating. It felt so naughty and sexy.  I was selfish and destructive; reckless, egocentric and immature, even a bit narcissistic and entitled. I didn’t give a damn about Tanya. I was so many hurtful things.

My timeline is very vague. I don’t recall how long it lasted. I don’t know how many times we had sex. I don’t remember the specifics of Tanya finding out about the affair, or if we said “I love you.” I don’t remember any special gifts or notes or cards. Up until recently, I hadn’t thought about in years, maybe a decade, and I never thought about it in any great depth.

I have now. A lot. I saw her crying and she followed me a few times in the short time that I was there after her discovery. I had already planned to move a few states away before she found out. I know that the details that I have long forgotten are etched in her memory.  I have no doubt that I could ask her today and she could give me many more details than I’ll ever recall.

I’ve looked for her on Google and Facebook. Their last name is simple but I don’t even remember how to spell it. I don’t have the energy to search the thousands of results that came up, because I just don’t  remember enough details to make it a reasonable search.

If I could find her I would tell her that I’m sorry now, for all the hurt and destruction I caused her back then, for my part in it.   I sure wasn’t sorry then. I doubt she’d care to hear it. It’s unlikely she would even listen. I know I don’t ever want to hear from LKL. I wish she would disappear. I wish she never existed.

It’s unlikely that I’d ever find Tanya. If I did find her, I really doubt I’d contact her. I don’t want to remind her of the pain way back then, but I doubt she’s forgotten it.  It would be rather selfish to reach out to her now. It least it feels that way and that’s what I’m telling myself. It was several lifetimes ago and so much time has passed. I would hope that she knows its not out of selfishness this time. This time it’s from someone knows what that destruction is. I hold out hope that time will make this pain ease. I know that the further I can get away from LMK in time, distance and memory the better. I can only dream of the day when I look back and think that it’s been years since the affair. Time is a buffer. I know what that pain and destruction is, that I  caused her way back then. It’s mine now.

So if someone knows Tanya B–d from Kentucky can you please tell her that Karma Is a Big Fucking Bitch!

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7 thoughts on “Karma is a Bitch!

  1. I’ll forgive you if, that helps. People do stupid things when they’re young, but there comes a time to reflect, grow and learn. Yes Karma’s a bitch, but you learned.

    I don’t think you should call her up, it would only open old wounds and she may think its selfish as well, however I myself would love to receive a call of appology…from any of them. It just hurts so bad, it would be nice to know that someone grew a concience and was really remorseful for what they did to me. Like Tanya, I knew most of H’s flings, so it hurt even more I think.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I won’t reach out to her. It’s just one of the many things my ruminating mind has dug up since discovering Matt’s affair. I wouldn’t reach out to her and that’s only because of my own doubts and fears of the “OM.” I wish she never existed. I wish she would vanish, go away..POOF! Fortunately Matt doesn’t work with LKL, but they work in the same IT/Heathcare industry. She lives an hour away. That’s certainly not a great distance and well, I had no clue before… Hell ..maybe they are stiff fucking. Will I ever *really* know?

    I was a very young and naive. I gave no regard to how my actions would affect Tanya. It was about me. I never knew the outcome of there relationship. Seems I heard just after I moved that she did get pregnant. I think I called him once after I moved, but really I remember so little about that time. Certainly before texts, emails and social media. I hope me moving away back then gave her some relief. LKL is just an hour away. The world is a much smaller place now than it was 25 years ago (I do think the damage is the same. Our behavior destroyed her.)

    Thank you for accepting my apology. I hope someday that you get yours and that it gives you some peace.

    I got an email apologizing after sending an email to my husband and LKL explaining my NC expectations. I told her not to respond. She did anyways, dumb bitch. She apologize. It means nothing. Just a two-word phrase. Matt has apologized a few times now. I think he is still apologizing for getting caught, but that’s a whole other subject.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. And there’s sim much missing from my story still … I’ve followed your blog from early on, followed your crazy affair with bobbly and have read along as you are self destructing in such an unhealthy relationship that is screaming along with your followers to end already.

      But I can totally relate to and understand you.. In another time I was much like you and have many an escapade I could blog about.

      I’ve wanted so many times to comment and have even typed out responses to previous posts you’ve made, but backed down and deleted them.

      Feel free to Ask away.

      Like

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