Anniversaries Suck..

October 3 1998

This is my wedding day, the day I married Matt. The man I spent the previous 21 months with. That started with an unexpected pregnancy; that presented him the option of being a part of my unborn babies life or not, and him knowing that I would never need him or anyone, and that as an RN I could live financially independent. Fe fell in love and moved in together.

Then a relationship crisis, resulting in my now 17 yr old son. He was born 10 weeks premature after a crazy week of preterm labor hell and an emergency C-section, followed by 5 weeks in NICU. We then struggled with the normal new parent life changes and needs of a preemie baby. We argued, cried, and laughed! We marveled at what we had created. We often discussed marriage, but I didn’t want to marry him just because we were having or had a baby. We both started new jobs, and I essentially a new career as I had just graduated the year before. We bought a house, combined finances, and spent a butt load (that is a legit measurement!) of a money!

“I learned that you were the one I wanted to grow old with. Not the prince, although you were charming! You taught me that needing someone, and that wanting and depending on someone were entirely different. I grew to depend on you and wanted to share my life with you. You were not perfect, but I was okay with it. I fell in love with you. Even things about you that do still drive me crazy. I loved you unconditionally.”

He proposed and I said yes! I married him because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I’ve said thru out our life together that he is “My dream come true” and My happily ever after.”  Not the Disney princess version of happily ever after; the happily ever after that got us, at least for me, thru all the amazing shit we have been thru together.

We have all the amazing stories from the past 17+ years and then he had an affair. (Many blog posts to come as I connect the dots leading up to his affair and my discovery of it.)

October 3, 2014

A day to be forever redefined for me. It is the day so many things changed in my life. That is the day my landslide started, and as of this moment is still shifting and unstable.

I feel hollow still, but I’m choosing to only put back in the things that feel truly safe for me. My children, my sister in law, a friend from a distance who now knows enough about me to have me committed. Seriously. (Thanx JO) my parents to a limited degree.  But very little else. I’m not sure where Matt is. He’s present. Like I said… Shifting and unstable.

October 28, 20014

Today is the 8 year anniversary of my mothers death. Another “heart-wrenching and turmoil-filled mother-daughter saga”  to unfold. So today I’m sad and grieve for the loss of my mother.

This past week 2 friends of mine, Mary and Denise, mothers of my two daughters preschool friends both unexpectedly lost their mothers. I’ve reached out to both of them because I know what the loss of a mother feels like. It’s a biggie.

What I really wish I could tell them is that as terribly as they are hurting and mourning for their mothers, that infidelity is way worse on the emotional pain scale. The only thing I can imagine to be worse is unspeakable. But moms, you know what it is…

Of coarse I won’t tell them because I don’t want his affair public. I don’t want it to the gossip at the next hockey-dance-soccer-lacrosse-community game, practice or “whatever” gathering. I won’t share that I too am experiencing a greater loss, that of my marriage.  At least the what it was before 10.03.14.  And again that day is still unfolding.. shifting and unstable.

Anniversaries suck.

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4 thoughts on “Anniversaries Suck..

  1. How aweful. I feel very sorry for your friends, loss, and being a mother, I know the pain you are referring too. My son Kai’s friend unexpectedly lost his little brother 9 recently too, the most unbearable pain I’m sure.

    I’m so sorry this happened on your Anniversary, that’s horrible. Yes, Once joining this club, most of us think the same in that regards. Last year, H and I celebrated the day we met, it was a better day than a wedding anniversary, and it helped.

    It’s hard to stay focused on my marriage these days, I was such a hopeless romantic, and lost site of that this past year and a half “My Dream Come true” and “My Happily Ever after” made me long for him, and want to be close to him. He’s out with our oldest son right now, but It brought back those thoughts I once had…thank you, it helped a lot.

    I know its hard right now. but we’re here, and I hope that brings comfort to you if only a little.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your kind words, and they do help. It seems the best place to find comfort is with those that have and are going thru the same things. It helps to validate that what your feeling is “normal.” I’ve really questioned my sanity these past few weeks.

    I’m happy that I was able to help you as well. Sometimes the littlest things mean the most.

    Like

  3. Sadly, I know what you mean when you compare the loss of your parent to infidelity. I lost my dad in 2008. He was my hero, the only man I ever looked up to. His death was devastating. 6 years later I was faced with infidelity. Never did I think I could feel more pain than the loss of my father. How wrong I was. He didn’t choose to hurt me, my partner did. Big difference. hugs to you during this awful, bumpy, shitty journey we have to face.

    Liked by 1 person

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