Oct 3rd, the morning of out 16th anniversary I was waiting for my parents to stop in for coffee. Kids were to school, Matt was off to work. I picked up his iPad and there was the message.
“I miss you too baby, xoxoxo.” ( and then a smiley face)
in a neat little grey bubble, that message was screaming at me from the screen. Screaming So loudly that my ears are still ringing.. It wasn’t to me.. It was to LKL, a name I recognized from his past.. A childhood friend, a hook-up in high-school. I clearly remembered him telling me about her a while ago when she reached out to him on Facebook. So I was able to rationalize it.. “Yeah, feels a bit much to “miss” your friend” but hey, that’s Matt, nice guy, sweet sentiment. Whatever…
The weekend went by in our crazy and busy life. Three teen kids will keep life that way, along with our home, a dog, six cats…. All the adult responsibilities. The message crossed my mind a number of times but I could rationalize it. After all he has told me he would never cheat. I truly BELIEVED that my husband would never have an affair. Yeah, trust.. Blind trust.
Monday came. Kids off to school, Matt off to work… And he left his iPad. In the short hours before anybody was due home, I was able to find all the evidence of his affair. I was left with nothing to rationalize. He was having a fucking affair and to the best I could tell had been going on for well over a year. D-day. (yeah, I know the infidelity lingo now…)
I didn’t give the confrontation much thought and don’t think I intended to bring it up until I could grasp what was happening (still is…) But, I ended up asking him to tell me more about LKL when I picked him up from work (our son had his car for the day.)
He laughed it off… “Old friend from high school,” “just friends,” “just flirting,”… Even said he was using her for employment opportunities (they work in the same health care IT community.) I stayed pretty pissed off for the evening and he didn’t say much else.
Tuesday morning, everything seemed just like every other normal morning in the C household…. Kids to school, Matt to work… Then more messages popped up on his iPad .. And a 13 minute call to LKL. I later learned that this call was to end the relationship/affair and commit to his marriage. I’m still not there, but I’m still here.
He came home from work on Tuesday and admitted that he and LKL had an affair. I’m still drowning in details or lack off.. Totally mind fucked.
13 days have gone by since that day, that’s what the calendar says. It feels like it’s still happening, one big fucking assault, like a really bad dream that I can’t wake up from.
I am so effing tired.