Where it begins..and trying to connect the dots

Oct 3rd, the morning of out 16th anniversary I was waiting for my parents to stop in for coffee. Kids were to school, Matt was off to work. I picked up his iPad and there was the message.

“I miss you too baby, xoxoxo.” ( and then a smiley face)

in a neat little grey bubble, that message was screaming at me from the screen. Screaming So loudly that my ears are still ringing.. It wasn’t to me.. It was to LKL, a name I recognized from his past.. A childhood friend, a hook-up in high-school. I clearly remembered him telling me about her a while ago when she reached out to him on Facebook. So I was able to rationalize it.. “Yeah, feels a bit much to “miss” your friend” but hey, that’s Matt, nice guy, sweet sentiment.   Whatever…

The weekend went by in our crazy and busy life. Three teen kids will keep life that way, along with our home, a dog, six cats…. All the adult responsibilities. The message crossed my mind a number of times but I could rationalize it. After all he has told me he would never cheat. I truly BELIEVED that my husband would never have an affair. Yeah, trust.. Blind trust.

Monday came. Kids off to school, Matt off to work… And he left his iPad.  In the short hours before anybody was due home, I was able to find all the evidence of his affair.  I was left with nothing to rationalize. He was having a fucking affair and to the best I could tell had been going on for well over a year. D-day. (yeah, I know the infidelity lingo now…)

I didn’t give the confrontation much thought  and don’t think I intended to bring it up until I could grasp what was happening (still is…)  But, I ended up asking him to tell me more about LKL when  I picked him up from work (our son had his car for the day.)

He laughed it off… “Old friend from high school,” “just friends,” “just flirting,”… Even said he was using her for employment opportunities (they work in the same health care IT community.) I stayed pretty pissed off for the evening and he didn’t say much else.

Tuesday morning, everything seemed just like every other normal morning in the C household…. Kids to school, Matt to work… Then more messages popped up on his iPad .. And a 13 minute call to LKL. I later learned that this call was to end the relationship/affair and commit to his marriage. I’m still not there,  but I’m still here.

He came home from work on Tuesday and admitted that he and LKL had an affair.  I’m still drowning in details or lack off.. Totally mind fucked.

13 days have gone by since that day, that’s what the calendar says. It feels like it’s still happening, one big fucking assault, like a really bad dream that I can’t wake up from.

I am so effing tired.

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11 thoughts on “Where it begins..and trying to connect the dots

  1. Awe sweets…I came over to say thank you for following me blog, I hope you can find it helpful in someway…if for nothing else than to know your not alone, and how very sorry I am that your having to go through this, and on your anniversary no less. Its the shittiest club on earth, but we’re here for you. Many of us (unfortunately). For now, just take it one day at a time. There is no need to make any rash decisions right non when your mind is so boggled. I know I felt like I was up against some huge deadline to make a decision to stay or go, and only you can know what is right for you. If I can help, just let me know, and I look forward to getting to know you. xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Welcome to the shittiest club ever!! Just know that unfortunately you’re not the first to join, not sadly, will you be the last. Eat, take care of yourself and your kids and just get thru the next few days/weeks. The world of infidelity is not one that any of us ever thought we would enter, yet here we are. Read the blogs, don’t read them, blog, don’t blog! Just know that even tho you may seem lonelier than you’ve ever been, you aren’t. We’re here xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry you’re here. But, you’re not alone. There is a lot of good advice here, lots of very good blogs where you will find things that match your current reality. The best advice I can offer you is not to let yourself feel bad or guilty for what you’re feeling. You’re going to feel bad enough every day for quite a while without layering on guilt or feeling bad that you can’t seem to hold it together, or don’t care if you go out with friends/family. Don’t let this get to you… allow yourself to feel how you feel without feeling bad about it. It was the least I could do for myself when my world felt upside down, and as simple as it was it did worlds of good in helping me heal. Hugs and love to you, you’re walking a rough and rocky path and my heart goes out to you.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. We are on our third attempt of a reconciliation….much damage to recover from. I was betrayed a second time (not him) and it delayed my healing process. Lots of damage to heal from. Still not sure how my story will end…..its hopeful, but fragile. Don’t tell me your status, I’ll read it

        Liked by 1 person

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