My retreat

image.jpeg

 

Picture if you will a traditional log cabin, with an end to end farmer’s porch. A lovely place to sit and read in the summer. On the side is a screened in gazebo. My most favorite place to been summer evenings when I’m here.

You enter inside and feel it’s life and it’s warmth. It surrounds you. You have all the anemities you need and some lovely extras. It’s a 4 season cabin, so there’s heat, and should the summer be so oppressive, which is rarely the case, there’s AC.

These’s no cable, but I consider that a luxury. I sometimes am overwhelmed with the amount of news I observe. Even in my car I generally listen to Sirius Radio news programs.  Remember,  I’m a news junkie!  So I have to turn on the news if I fell the need, which I haven’t. The tv’s been on for distraction, but I’ve rarely paid it much attention. There’s also Roku, but cannot figure it out. I am also grossly remote control challenged. 

The furniture is cabin plush. By that I mean, not rustic!  Nothing is overstated and it’s incredibly inviting. You instantly feel welcomed here. My parents generally live here thru half the week (they are winter birds this month.. Down in FL.)

There’s a wrought-iron spiral staircase that leads to a loft bedroom. The ceiling is a vaulted, all open sealed pine logs.

The kitchen contains the basic appliances, minus the dishwasher. No loss there… Fully stocked wine rack, and most any alcohol you might want. But I’m not much of a drinker.

Follow thru to the “back room.” Windows all around, an electric fireplace. Overlooking a simple back yard surrounded by woods. Another lovely place to nap, or cuddle up with a book.

My other favorite thing here is off this back room, and on the deck. There you find  lovely 104* hot tub, built for six.

It’s peaceful and calm here. I have been able to breathe and feel alive, and now recognize, better yet, acknowledge how lacking I’ve been in taking care of me. There’s always someone else that needs me at home.

The cabin is in an association. Most residents here are “summer home-owners.” I’m not sure of the actual number that stay winter round, but it’s not many. My parents only come for half or week or so. They also have a condo much closer to the city.

There are a few neighbors nearby here, but I can only hear them. I’ve not seen a single person.

So I just texted to my lovely friend that I was off to town. And then wherever the road takes me. I’m taking my camera, putting on my hiking boots and see what I can find. I used to love photography, though amateur at best. So I’m rather excited. The sky is brilliant and the sun feels warm, though it’s struggling to get to 50.

I’ll come back and post about my adventures.

❤️Rac

 

 

MIA

I’ve retreated from the world. I’ve been contemplating it for a while. The urge to run has been consuming me.

Part of what has kept me from “running” was that my mother left me (father and brother) when I was 14.

I remember the day vividly, like video playing out in my mind.. It was a sunny warm afternoon. My brother and I were “arguing” about him resetting the Atari game, again!  (dating myself?) My mom walked in the door from work and up the stairs, we lived in a split level. Yelled for us to stop. She then called my dad, from the wall phone, and said, “I’m leaving, I cannot take the kids fighting anymore.”  I don’t recall her packing anything… Or her saying “good-bye” or I love you.” What I vividly remember is she walked out the door and drove away. She left us. We didn’t see her for nearly 6 months. She had happily moved on with Al, whom she’d been having an affair with. My parents divorced that year.

To say that left a mark, in light of my present life such the mess that it is, would be an understatement.

Truly, I know, understand and accept that my mother left my father. But the words were spoken and I heard them. Those words forever scarred me. But it is just a scar.

So the urge to run, led to guilt and shame  as that’s “what my mother” did to me. (I know this is now Betrayal Trauma.

The intensity and frequency and urgency was unrelenting.. And then a series of events, that just seemed to weigh me down. Nothing I would normally be able to manage…

The ongoing household obligations, cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, trash and recycling, etc, etc… All so daunting.

My husbands new, demanding job that takes him from the home for 10-11 hours a day. And I’m still adjusting to the tailspin that put me in. I’m trying to be realistic about all the new devises, and  mail, and phone. All the new people, that I cannot keep straight.  That he’s geographically closer to her, OW, and  her husband (who doesn’t know) works right around the corner from my husbands new office.. I’m trembling as I type this… I know in my mind that this job was the best thing for him, for us. But this new betrayed mind of mine, struggles to process it still. It doesn’t feel safe.

The pets; a dog, 4 cats (and cats can totally suck sometimes) and a Guinea pig (mostly cared by my 14 yo daughter and rightful owner.) but still the butt-load of responsibility  is bestowed upon me.

The kids and coordinating all their schedules; 2 work, dance, lacrosse, social activities, friends, a girlfriend, and a boyfriend (both relationships over a year now😳,)  school functions and activities…and I’m by no means a hover-parent.

Trying to put on a graduation party for my son… 6 months ago I was excited. Now it seems overwhelming

My full-time job… Easy really for RN. I do triage call 4 nights a week Sun-Wed, 5p-8a. I work from home. Occasionally a call will require me to make a visit. But essentially my work goes along with the daily functions of our household. I just answer a phone. But I’m terribly unhappy with it. It’s not fulfilling in any professional manner. (My previous job was in a level 1 Trauma room. Drastic change!!!!) I’ve forgotten to pass on messages and even slept thru my phone one night a few months back. So as Simple, as my job is, I’ve found ways to muck it up. My professional license is due to expire in May. I jokingly said a few weeks ago that “maybe I’ll let it expire.” I’ve actually been considering it…

There is a big postcard that says “your license is due to expire” posted on my freezer door, eye level. I’m reminded multiple timed a day.

Very Recently a young man, DJ, went missing from a party. He’s still not been found. I knew him, I know the parent. I know his younger brother and sister who are friends with my kids. It’s believed he fell into a river. His body has still not been recovered. My heart is heavy for this family and the loss to our community.

Then the last few straws.. My son lied to me, after already being caught. Still said, “Nope, wasn’t me.” 😏 Ok, kids lie to us… It really pissed me off. It was suck a dumb thing to lie about… Moving on…

Scrolling thru FB for my social media and getting my news fix (did I ever tell you I’m a news junkie?) Monday morning. Drinking my coffee, minding my business and there’s OW’s husband on the front page of the local paper. I’m  pretty sure the biggest paper in the state.

I had a physical reaction to his picture.. Like my heart was racing and I was dizzy and light-headed.. Awful few minutes. I read thru the article. Had my own harsh and judgemental opinion of its topic, stream thru my mind. Then I tagged my husband in it.

i really hoped to get a reaction or a response from him after he read it, which he did, in front of me soon after getting home from work that evening. His only comment was an exaggerated “Wow.” He then commented something about the size of the bonus OW’s bonus was. I will only equate it to well-over a quarter-million dollars.

So my mind had already blown thru my email correspondence with her.. She told me she had so much more than me to lose  if her husband ever found out about the affair.

(… I’d say she did… Lots and lots of money!)

And I’m the only one in this mess, out of the 4 involved that is carrying this vile indiscretion. My husbands mistake. Her need for something “just for her.”

My husband had no awareness what so ever of my reaction and feelings upon seeing that article. Ok, in fairness I didn’t tell him either, but he didn’t even ask just an exaggerated “wow.”

I’ve been waiting for a reaction from him since dday. There’s been a few angry outbursts between us, maybe 4-5. None in close to a year. He wiped his hands of the affair discussions last September. It came down to “its just going to take time to heal,” he didn’t think he could really help me. (And he hasn’t.) that the affair was a mistake, just that. The he was a good person and liked himself. He didn’t see any need for change.

And so time has passed. And I’ve been waiting to heal, and trying to heal, and honestly am doing ok when I need to, but over all I’ve done a reallllly crapppy job of just getting by overall. I’ve done a poor job of taking care of myself until more recently, but even that’s been only marginal.

So Tuesday morning I started a video course on betrayal trauma. I was a puddle of tears thru out, a sobbing mess by the time I stopped. I was a case study in what I’d learned to that point. I decided then to commit to the course.

I stopped watching because I needed to get ready for a meeting with my supervisor. My annual review. My eyes were quite puffy and nose red and shiny, sinuses congested.., it was going to take a while. I was a mess.

Instead I called and asked to speak to her out of earshot, so that she could speak freely. I explained what I was experiencing., the grief, betrayal, anxiety and requested the remainder of the week off. She was awesome and so understanding and supportive. Provided me with a few resources.

I called My husband and go his voicemail. Again. Simply left a message asking him to call me when he got the message.

I’d decided that I was going away. Packed up things I needed and wanted. Comfy cloths, necessities, comforting healthy foods, electronics etc…

He called as I was ready to pack up the car. I told him I’d called out of work for the remainder  of the week. And I was headed to the cabin. I told him I wasn’t happy and I hate the way I’m feeling and that I need to take care of me, with out the chaos of anything.

And that’s what I did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Stuff for Crazy-making, part one

Unless I’m already there. Maybe that’s really what is happening, but I’ve not accepted. That I’m crazy. I do question my sanity regularly.

And because it is likely that I am at least a little-bit crazy…here goes..

I don’t even know how to start….

October 2014, (the 3rd, to be exact; also my 16th wedding anniversary.. Because I still don’t know how to separate these 2 life changing and altering events…) I found out my husband was cheating.

I knew from the moment I found out that I wanted nobody to know. The shame and humiliation..yuck.. Wanting nobody to know proved difficult. I was a mess for weeks.

My cheating husband, was in agreement of course.. Because.. Score for him. Everybody still thinks he’s a fucking rock star.

The only persons he’s confessed the affair to other than myself, are our 2 oldest. After  weeks of me trying to persuade him to tell the kids something, because it was obvious that I was a mess. I’m a work from home mom. My kids and I spend a lot of time together. We’re pretty close. So, like the intelligent and empathetic kids that they are, they figured it out and confronted me. And I confessed. I told my husband they knew and so we sat down, the 4 of us (without our youngest, who still doesn’t know.. And I still struggle with this…) and told them he had an affair. (This happened just before thanksgiving 2014)

He hasn’t told a single person since.

Mid October 2014, I told my sister-in-law C***, my husband’s sister about his affair. Ironically, her partner Al, a self-confessed and former-cheater in his first marriage, suspected for nearly a year-and-a-fucking-half, that my husband was cheating!!! Go figure…..

I adore Al. He’s a great guy and he loves C***, and treats her the way she has deserved for many years…

She’s had several disasterous relationships because of a cheating husband. Then second husband. Yes, twice.. Can you fucking imagine??? She’s carried a mother-load of hurt.

She and I are very close. I’d pick her for a sister ❤️ … I have none, only one biological brother and a step brother. Then there’s my half-brother, But that’s wayyy too complicated to explain… For now.

So C***, was a highly likely person for me to talk about the affair.. in real life face to face.. That knows us… I told my husband before I told her, that I likely would. I still wasn’t sure, you know, the shame and humiliation… But I was truly a mess and needed to talk with someone. And so, she came over, mid-October 2014, and I did tell her.  (She told me that very day that Al had mentioned his suspicions of him cheating on 2 occasions.)

She has been my biggest supporter thru this whole disaster since. And I’m so thankful for her love and understanding thru it all. But she knows ❤️

So that night I went to her house and proceeded to drink too much wine. A highly therapeutic evening for me, the first of just letting it all out.. What an asshole my husband was.. And they agreed. But they didn’t bash him, they just listened to me do it, for hours, then drove me home… Too much wine! 

These are 2 of my most favorite people. I love them both and know they love me (it’s not thier fault her brother is a cheating asshole!)

So if your keeping track (and I am.. ) We are now in mid-October 2014. Just myself, my husband C*** and Al knows.

And oh yeah the (insert your own adjective here) other woman knows. But she is at this point, and to the best of my knowledge STILL has maintained no contact. But I don’t trust either of them.. Their “track record” sucks. They’ve been together on and off since they were in early high school.

I think if I was truly honest with myself (and I might be on to something here…) I’m waiting for either of them to break no contact. And by no contact, I mean I don’t ever want him or her to ever connect. In any way. For fucking ever.

I do not truly believe that either of them will maintain my NC expectation. It might be years, but eventually I think one of them will cave. (She’ll have nothing to loose if her 3rd husband who still doesn’t know that she had an affair with my husband) ever finds out. Her track record clearly sucks…

So I’m waiting.. For her to break no contact… It’s bound to happen… And his new job has really thrown me into a crazy place and I’m struggling for breath sometimes.. because it’s just overwhelming with his commute and new electronics and new staff and commitments to work, the longer hours.

So there’s the >25% salary increase to an already comfortable income. And it’s a job he aspired for. A double win for him. And for us really. But WOW, how crazy it’s making me. I’m trying desperately to be rational. But it’s so fucking hard. All new coworkers and names, titles, who’s who… multiple new electronics, emails, texts, phone calls, numbers and on an on.. Long commute, longer days. And he doesn’t help much.

I know I’m keeping way to much inside, and mostly because it’s all irrational.. But then I always ask myself…

Is it?

So back to mid October and those who knew about the affair…

late October or early November, I told my parents (dad and step mother.. Whom I treasure ❤️) I unintentionally told them while on the phone. I don’t even remember which one it was.. But they where praising my husband for th great guy that he is (except he’s a cheater…) and I just couldn’t take it one second longer … And I just told them what he did. That he had an affair.

So Thanksgiving 2014 roles around. My parents, my Brother and his partner, I call Sis (I adore her. And on my list of most favorites!) and my 5, share in my first post dday family holiday.. What a painful day.. 

So if your still keeping track.. I’ve told my parents. But at this point, my husband is unaware that they know.

(C*** and Al know too, but they away in MN and CO. We all have crazy big spread out families! And they are irrelevant to the point I hope to ultimately get too.)

Here’s a kick in the gut.. Unbeknownst to me, on this first post dday event, my brother also knew. My father had told him… I truly understand, they are pretty close and all. But it wasn’t my dads place to tell my brother. I asked them to tell no one.

So fast forward to fall 2015 (also when My husband submitted his resume, to his now attained position.) after multiple family occasions over the previous year…

I’ve told a few more incidental (to the point I’m trying to make)  people along the way.

And then I told Sis about the affair. Remember, she’s my brothers girlfriend and at this point. I’m still unaware that my brother knows…

It was around our 17th anniversary and one year dday. Also, about then he was offered his position with the awesome pay increase. I guess maybe I feeling a little vulnerable and needing a sympathetic ear.  I just sort of started telling sis, not a lot.. I asked her not to tell my brother. She assured me she wouldn’t, because it wasn’t hers to tell. I thought she understood. She says super sympathetic. I felt good to trust someone.

But regardless.. Cat’s out of the bag so they say..

As my grandmother always said, “a secret isn’t a secret, if you tell anyone.”

So come 12/23/15, about 4:15 in the afternoon.

Let me set the scene.. Furniture delivery arrives early (we got the kids all new mattresses and box springs .. And full sized bed for my son.. Christmas presents) But because they are early, my youngest is home!!! Foiled my well planned out surprise.. I scream for her to the go family room as the deliver guy knocks at the door.

Because I yelled, she thinks I am mad. And I am sort of, but not at her. But she’s 14 she takes it personal… She storms off to the family room.

I sort out the details of what goes where.. In 3 very messy bedrooms.. (I’d be embarrassed if I lived in the mess.. But it’s theirs and they know better.)

I come down stairs to find my brother waiting in my kitchen. Pleasant, as I was hoping for him to stop by and pick up a Christmas present I wanted my niece to have for Santa on Christmas Eve.

We talked and had a very nice intimate short visit, maybe 45 minutes. We talked about our mother, dad, memories and such. It’s always good to see and spend time with him. I do truly love my brother, much more than he realizes. I’ve always known him ❤️. We both share the same broken childhood with different memories.

After my youngest was swayed quickly out the door (the planned departure for said child.. In my pre-planning of this surprise gift… Foiled by the early arrival.) and after the delivery guys efficiently took care of things…

As my brother was leaving.. He said to me,”I’m really sorry Sis, for what you guys are going thru.. Blah blah” We talked about it for a few minutes in generalities, but weirdly like “it was old news between us.”

then he said, “I knew long before Sis (his girlfriend) knew. Then proceeded to tell me when dad told him, over a year ago…

It was getting late and I was on call.. Had to get the beds together.. With new linens and burlap bows… Before the kids got home.  Plan salvaged.

Oh yeah, husband was running late… But grabs take out on his way. Another point for greatest guy award.

 

Wait.

Say what?

My brother said, that he knew “long before” Sis knew….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I know now

image

 

It’s been 15.5 months since I found out about my husband’s affair.

Not a single day has been easy. Not even one.

This is the single most difficult and overwhelming experience I’ve ever gone thru. Without exception.

Staying is hard. Every single day.

I’m not the same person anymore. So much of who I am is still lost in the chatic aftermath of betray.

I can’t find my way out.

I question and doubt everything.

This is not the life I wanted to live.

I can’t “forget it.”

Something has to change.

But, I’m still not ready….

 

 

 

 

A Random Act of “I am Sorry”

I received the following response in an email notification this morning. Truly, with exception of the “minor details” of this affair and this Affair partner, I could hear it coming from my husband’s AP as I read it…

It crushed me…

Here it is…. (I will protect her identity)

I am not going to begin to say I understand or know what it is like to be the wife who finds out her husband is a cheater in all of this. Nor, do I begin to say that what I went through is justification for the OW’s behavior in this.

But I am other woman. And I echo a lot of other people’s experiences, when I say I never thought I would be that person. I even directly asked the person who I had the affair with if he was single before we ever met. And each time he answered no.


Even after I put two-and-two together, I still played the part for another couple of months, and meeting him recently on a business trip. I have no justification other than I had developed feelings for him, and that I loved him. The lonely part of me wanted to be the exception, rather than the norm.


And to anyone who has been the victim in this, please know that it is not easy to live as the OW. I do not sleep, I have lost appetite, and I have tearfully pleaded, begged, and sobbed asking him to do the right thing and confess to his wife. To be a better husband and father, and to either seek counseling to fix the marriage or do the right thing and walk away.


The truth is the cheater, while not always a bad person, is selfish. He started this affair because he was bored in his married life, and wanted the adventure of a new love. I am almost 35 years old, and I have given up on love. I told him he was so blessed and lucky to have a wife and kids. That he had no right to throw that away.


But I am also no better than him, because I didn’t run away. I continued the secrets despite the pain. I did it for no other reason than I loved him, and couldn’t bear to know a life without him. But in the end, I still ended it. The sleepless nights, the guilt, the jealousy, and the hurt. See being the OW means you will always be the last choice and that you have to be content with everything being on his timeline. You can only call, text, e-mail when it works for him. You lay awake at night feeling suffocated by the loneliness, while knowing he can turn around and wrap his arms around the woman he put a ring on it.


He says is not happy. But lacks the courage to make changes to find happiness. Why stay in a marriage if you are not happy? He says it was for the kids, but what is worse: having children be raised with a lie that destroys families or know that their parents loved each other but couldn’t make it work? I cannot answer that because I don’t know.


I am single. I have no one. I am alone and unsupported. And I am dying inside. From the guilt, from the pain, and from feeling like I am always the loser. Please know that not every person who becomes the OW is okay with the title of OW. That some of us have consciences and integrity. That it destroys us as much as you. He selfishly threw his marriage away and wants to keep it hidden, but he also selfishly wanted me to suffer in silence.


I wanted to find love. To feel beautiful and wanted again. He said all the right things. He kept saying “stop over thinking things”, and to have “faith”. All the while knowing he lied to me too, he could never love me the way I deserved.


I am sorry that your husband has refused to hold himself accountable. But as the OW, you deserve better than a spouse who will not acknowledge the pain he has caused, nor work on improving the relationship. You can stop a sinking ship, if not everyone is willing to help bail.


Again, I am sorry to you and any spouse who sits in this position. Please know that affairs hurt the OP as much as the spouse. We are not proud of ourselves, and many of us do not want to hurt you. We are hurting and confused ourselves. We are trying to find a glimmer of love ourselves, and yes we had no right to take it from someone who doesn’t belong to us. That is something I will live with everyday for the rest of my life. Knowing that I caused someone else pain, because I was so desperate to feel love…even if it was brief and temporary.


I am sorry.